Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Man admits to multiple sexual assaults on R4

35 replies

hipsterfun · 22/10/2017 09:32

Broadcasting House, just now.

He has blogged about it www.patheos.com/blogs/leavingfundamentalism/2017/10/17/im-reason-women-posting-metoo/

I respect his candour but it was an uncomfortable listen.

OP posts:
OP posts:
W0rriedMum · 22/10/2017 09:40

That was a difficult read alright. I imagine a lot of men have similar stories but don't see the problem.
The fat shaming one and sleeping with someone who wants a relationship are the two that jump out as being prevalent.

nauticant · 22/10/2017 09:42

I am left with the feeling that some of the media savvy younger men have decided to do a bit of self-flagellating over this (while minimising which is what was going on in that interview) to put themselves apart from the "real bad guys".

It looks like they're seeking to take the bite out of any allegations that might be heading their way while buffing up their reputation at the same time.

MissFlashpants · 22/10/2017 09:50

What a shame for him that nobody ever taught him the difference between consensual and non-consensual touching. Hmm

Nobody ever teaches women either and we don’t go around touching dicks on first dates repeatedly, or sending pictures of our fannies to strangers.

Fuck this guy. He feels so fucking good about his enlightened self, doesn’t he?

Original poster
hipsterfun · 22/10/2017 10:23

Miss, our culture does give boys unhealthy messages that normalise behaviour at one end of the sexual assault spectrum, and prepare the ground for it. He’s right about that.

I see it everywhere, and I’m having to think very hard about it now I’m raising a son.

nauticant, I know what you mean, but I still think it’s important to call out the behaviour for what it is.

How would a man have to talk about this without it sounding like minimising? I heard a young man admitting to rape, but maybe I heard what I wanted to hear...

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 22/10/2017 10:49

This has made me really uncomfortable and I find it hard to believe that he didn’t know he was being a creep in any of these situations. Also don’t like the explanation after each scenario sounds disingenuous.

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/10/2017 10:56

I imagine he's going to get lots of praise for being "brave" and honest, and it isn't going to affect his career at all. Probably increase his profile and actually enhance his career. Smart move by him.

It would be amazing if the women he assaulted could report it to the police and he could face some appropriate justice. But I think what he has just done would make that very difficult for them as they risk becoming involved in a public situation.

nauticant · 22/10/2017 11:23

Yes, that's very much what I got from the interview on Radio 4 this morning. By getting in first and presenting this as "bad but not bad bad" it will now be more difficult for any victims of his to make an official complaint. At the very least they can expect a chorus of "but he's fessed up! why can't you accept that and move on? why can't you now be friends? why must you now be unreasonable?"

My feelings of disquiet in listening to the interview were not that this is a tricky issue and brave honesty from men is so unusual. It's that I felt someone was trying to manipulate me.

MissFlashpants · 22/10/2017 11:39

hipster yes I understand that but reasons are not excuses.

We all grow up with an internal moral barometer; he just chose to ignore his until ‘coming out’ as a misogynist became the new black.

NoLoveofMine · 22/10/2017 12:28

For some reason the link won't open for me (gives a "404 not found" message), does anyone know how I can get round that? My parents also heard him on the radio this morning as they've just told me of it.

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/10/2017 12:30

It's definitely still up, it's the second most recent post on the blog so you could try going to www.patheos.com/blogs/leavingfundamentalism and navigate from there.

NoLoveofMine · 22/10/2017 12:35

Thanks Assassinated, that's worked.

eyeswideshit · 22/10/2017 12:53

As much as I don't like his excuses (there are no excuses) I think he's right in saying the majority of men do not know what constitutes sexual assault and therefore believe the problem lies elsewhere when really they should be looking inwardly.

Multidimensionalbeing · 22/10/2017 12:55

He's setting himself up as a 'great bloke' who's seen the error of his ways and we should fall over ourselves to be thankful is the general gist.

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/10/2017 12:58

The majority of men don't know that grabbing a woman between the legs is a sexual assault? Really? Or that grabbing a stranger and trying to make out with them is an assault?

NoLoveofMine · 22/10/2017 13:07

Though I found a lot of it quite difficult to read (or maybe unpleasant is the right word, I shuddered at some not least the "pick up artists" targeting galleries), I think it's relatively positive. Not that these things happened of course but that he's at least recognised how awful this behaviour was (though should never have felt otherwise) and has addressed it and hopes to communicate with other men and boys to do the same. I think it's vital men challenge other men on this, so one admitting to things he's done and explaining why it was so horrific is something.

Of course, it may well not help the women and girls who fell victim to what he's confessing to. It is I would think not nice at all to feel someone who did these things to you is being widely lauded. Given this, I don't want to praise him too much so am probably being inconsistent here. There are certainly no excuses but maybe more men speaking up on this will help prevent some men and boys from perpetuating this culture - though it's enraging it takes them to talk about it for this to happen, when women and girls are often ignored or dismissed for doing so, when it's us it happens to.

eyeswideshit · 22/10/2017 13:10

If the majority of women have been sexually assaulted it would follow that it's more than a small number of men that have assaulted them.

But I can't see many men holding their hands up and saying it was me. It's all 'look at your brothers, your friends' etc when I think the first thing men should be doing is looking at themselves and what they have done.

NoLoveofMine · 22/10/2017 13:11

But I think what he has just done would make that very difficult for them as they risk becoming involved in a public situation.

That's a good point, it could be said to be almost policing their response due to receiving praise for being enlightened and recognising the assaults he committed. Perhaps it'd have been better done anonymously or without so much detail about specific situations.

bambambini · 22/10/2017 13:56

Been watching all this unfold on Twitter and seen several men tweet along the lines of "well neither i or any of my friends, father, brothers etc acts like this or harrasses and assaults!" - how the fuck fo they know!

QuentinSummers · 22/10/2017 14:14

Google the title, that's what I did.
I don't know, I'm glad he wrote it but just yuck.

QuentinSummers · 22/10/2017 14:15

He should have put this line up front imo

And it was because I just didn’t think women are people. Not really.

IfNot · 22/10/2017 16:24

why this was gross
Well, duh...
I hope all the women he assaulted press charges.
That'll learn him.

Walpurgistknackered · 22/10/2017 17:28

So Ifnot, how are men in this sort of situation supposed to proceed from this point?

If we are able to correctly state that there are cohorts of the guilty that are suddenly waking up to how horrendous their behaviour may have been in the past with their sense of entitlement towards women in their teens and twenties through toxic culture then what, realistically can they do to atone for the past assuming that they have suddenly woken up to it now?

PlumpSquirrel · 22/10/2017 17:37

Have the majority of woman been sexually assaulted? I’ve read statistics indicating that it is 1 in 5 (still a horrible figure) and also that the study producing this figure was brought into question, with the authors themselves saying that the study shouldn’t be used as ‘evidence’ as many of the woman in it weren’t actually aware they had been sexually assaulted by the definitions used.

Not in any way trying to diminish the gravity of this but am interested in how prevalent it is.

IfNot · 22/10/2017 17:54

Yes, the vast majority have. There was a thread on here about it recently. My first thought was "no I haven't" until I thought about that one time when a group of boys grabbed my breasts in the park, and that other time when a man on the tube put his hand between my legs. And the couple of times I was grabbed walking home and the men tried to force me down an alley ( luckily i got away but I assume the motivation was assault. Or murder. Who knows) and so on. Most women will have several stories, not just one incident.