I'm a gender critical feminist with a 'trans' child.

[Theoryofparenting]

Just a question I've been wondering. I have 15 year old twins, both of whom are biologically female. However, one of them 'presents as male' and has done for a couple of years.

He tells me that TransActivists are stupid. He doesn't believe that people are born in the wrong body. He knows you can't change your sex. He doesn't 'identify as transgender'.

As a young child he would tell me that he was a boy, that he would be upset if he became a woman. I assumed it was a developmental phase (I was similar as a child), however as soon as puberty hit at 11 he went downhill. Eating disorders, self harm, depression, anxiety. He would never tell us the root cause until he came to us at 13 and told us how he was feeling. He does not have 'gender dysphoria' - he has 'sex dysphoria'. His feelings are not caused by gender roles/expectations.

When people ask about it, he tells them that he isn't 'transgender' as he never had a gender, just a sex. He says he feels more comfortable presenting how he does and that he strongly dislikes his body, not societies expectations.

He has never been to a gender therapist. He isn't on blockers or hormones. Anything like that is being delayed, by his choice as well as mine.

I strongly agree with the gender critical feminist point of view (as does he). We've been through so much because of how my child feels. He gets annoyed when people associate him with TransActivists, because he is nothing like them and disagrees with everything they say/do.

I made this thread to show that not all parents of 'trans' children agree with the agenda. All I want is for my child to be comfortable and happy. If anyone has any questions then I am more than happy to answer them.

What do you mean by "feminine gender?" Are you suggesting we change the definition (for want of a better word) of what feminine means to include being good at science etc?
Btw this is not meant to sound argumentative, I'm genuinely interested in your idea but not sure quite what you mean.

Sort of Poppy. My own defining of 'feminine' is anything associated with the female sex and 'masculine' anything associated with the male sex. The traditional stereotypes are, quite frankly, out of date and do not fit in with modern society. Biologically female people, as you say like science, are doctors, fight on the front line. Biologically male people are midwives, stay at home parents and domestic cleaners. Biological male people can wear makeup, have long hair and wear skirts and dresses. Biologically female people can have short hair, not wear makeup and wear ties shirts and trousers. They do in society today. What is more we can be progressive and our change perceptions of gender to acknowledge this as ok whilst still saying these gender perceptions do not involve a change in sex.

I thought we were already trying to do that?

With things like "girls can.." and "girls and their toys" on Twitter showing the variety of things that are "girly".

Yes, drspouse. However there is a faction within feminism which seeks to argue, because gender is a social construct, it is irrelevant. The difference in acknowledging gender as a social construct but appreciating it is meaningful and impacts on our lives, yet seeking to change perceptions those of gender, to more realistic ones, simply acknowledges the inevitability that people will still have ideas concerning what it means to be male and female, beyond biology. It addresses and explores perceptions instead of dismissing them. It promotes discussion.

Although I believe gender is socially constructed, there is no way I think it's irrelevant.

What you're describing is exactly what feminists do ponderingprobably. Eliminating gender doesn't mean it doesn't matter. It's precisely because it's so damaging, that it needs eliminating.

That means that the stereotypes are, or should be, ungendered. The roles remain, but they are not based on sex.

Which is what the BBC programme no more boys and girls demonstrated.

They took things stereotypically associated with one sex and allowed the opposite sex to experience them.

Consequently, the girls' self esteem rose, and the boys anger and self centredness dropped.

But, in addition to that, their attitudes changed.

Dispelling the gender myth had a very positive result.

What was interesting was how eye opening it was for the adults. Who had unconsciously perpetuated the stereotypes.

Datun I based my post based on some of what was said on another thread dealing with a similar topic. I agree with you. in that gender is not irrelevant and that stereotypical ideas of it are restrictive, reductive and oppressive. I am not sure it can be eliminated whilst we still are concerned with what sex someone is, though, or whilst there is still a need for protective status for women.

The protective status necessary for women is based on their oppression. Stereotypes are a means of keeping women down. But they're not the cause.

Removing stereotypes, does indeed force people to see the oppression stripped bare. The assumptions that are made about women can be shown to be false.

So, one is sort of working backwards.

I don't think it's any coincidence that the trans-ideology has come about now, and that they are joined by every MRA in the country.

Women have been making inroads about their roles and gender expectations, and there is a backlash.

I think you are right about the backlash which in most part is much more subtle and all pervasive. I had a high achieving female relative share a post on fb without any critical thought about how hard it was to be a woman because you have "dress like a lady and think like a man". FFS

This is a beautiful way to deal with this !
It sounds like he is genuinely struggling with his body and you are not just giving in and allowing him to make big decisions before he is ready. At the same time you are not belittling him for having feelings of dysphoria !
You sound like an amazing mum.

Removing stereotypes, does indeed force people to see the oppression stripped bare. The assumptions that are made about women can be shown to be false.

I just think viewing things in a stereotypical, prejudiced manner is a very human thing to do. It is a short cut, to consciously thinking, people do, without realising. Generally, all a lot of people have to do is a bit more thinking. But whilst people hold these gender perceptions we need to use and acknowledge those terms (of the gender perceptions), in order to be able to encourage them to explore their thinking.

But whilst people hold these gender perceptions we need to use and acknowledge those terms (of the gender perceptions), in order to be able to encourage them to explore their thinking.

Agree completely.

"simply acknowledges the inevitability that people will still have ideas concerning what it means to be male and female, beyond biology."
But this is exactly what we need to dismantle, not just give in and instead try to change the ideas of what it means to be female to better ones.

Think about putting race and racism here, instead of sex and sexism. Just because there are quantifiable biological differences behind the construct of race (skin colour, differences in hair and ear-wax, I think, susceptibility to certain diseases or medical conditions) does that mean we shouldn't try to get rid of racism?

Overall, I think for me what the whole gender system has done for women is so hateful, that we need to get rid totally, rather than pandering to it. But that's just radical feminism for you, as far as I'm concerned!

I want to get rid of it. I'm happy to name it, describe it and show it up for the ridiculous nonsense it is.

I can't help feeling that we are arguing less about apples and pears and more about two different apples.

We all want to eliminate gender. We all know it's harmful. We all know that the stereotypes, when illuminated become less about stereotypes and more about personality traits across the sexes.

But this is exactly what we need to dismantle, not just give in and instead try to change the ideas of what it means to be female to better ones

SomeDyke, I'm just seeing a staged approach, that is all. Name, explore, dismantle, change, relegate terms to history.