I'm a gender critical feminist with a 'trans' child.

[Theoryofparenting]

Just a question I've been wondering. I have 15 year old twins, both of whom are biologically female. However, one of them 'presents as male' and has done for a couple of years.

He tells me that TransActivists are stupid. He doesn't believe that people are born in the wrong body. He knows you can't change your sex. He doesn't 'identify as transgender'.

As a young child he would tell me that he was a boy, that he would be upset if he became a woman. I assumed it was a developmental phase (I was similar as a child), however as soon as puberty hit at 11 he went downhill. Eating disorders, self harm, depression, anxiety. He would never tell us the root cause until he came to us at 13 and told us how he was feeling. He does not have 'gender dysphoria' - he has 'sex dysphoria'. His feelings are not caused by gender roles/expectations.

When people ask about it, he tells them that he isn't 'transgender' as he never had a gender, just a sex. He says he feels more comfortable presenting how he does and that he strongly dislikes his body, not societies expectations.

He has never been to a gender therapist. He isn't on blockers or hormones. Anything like that is being delayed, by his choice as well as mine.

I strongly agree with the gender critical feminist point of view (as does he). We've been through so much because of how my child feels. He gets annoyed when people associate him with TransActivists, because he is nothing like them and disagrees with everything they say/do.

I made this thread to show that not all parents of 'trans' children agree with the agenda. All I want is for my child to be comfortable and happy. If anyone has any questions then I am more than happy to answer them.

I'm going by what the OP says about how serious the dysphoria is. They probably know enough about the severity to make sure they don't minimise it.

You can have a tiny scar and extreme body dysmorphia.
There is nothing wrong with the OP's DC's body.
It is the DC's feelings about the body that are hard to manage/pathological.
It is not healthy to feel extreme aversion to a normal body - whether that's normal female genitalia or a normal facial configuration.

That's all very well but that doesn't change the child's perception of her state.

No matter what we'd like, some people have dysmorphia to such an extent that they will be resistant to being told they're wrong or being sorted out by therapy and they will pursue surgery. The OP is sensible in accepting the reality of the situation and trying to influence from the inside rather than being an outside opponent.

No matter what we'd like, some people have dysmorphia to such an extent that they will be resistant to being told they're wrong or being sorted out by therapy and they will pursue surgery.

But "being told you are wrong" is rather different to "having extensive CBT and anti-depressants" which is what is known to work for body dysmorphia.

^ Except it didn't always ... but surgery was always the final step and its limitations acknowledged.

Yes exactly. Compare and contrast:

Body dysmorphia:

"If you have relatively mild BDD, you will usually be referred for a talking treatment called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). More severe cases may be treated with a type of medication called a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) and/or more intensive CBT."

Gender dysphoria
"Treatment for gender dysphoria aims to help reduce or remove the distressing feelings of a mismatch between biological sex and gender identity. This can mean different things for different people. For some people, it can mean dressing and living as their preferred gender. For others, it can mean taking hormones or also having surgery to change their physical appearance."

I don't see a conflict between knowing one can't change one's sex and not identifying as 'trans', and using male pronouns and wanting to pursue hormones and surgery. Seems to me that OP's DS regards pronouns, hormones and surgery as extensions of masculine presentation, undertaken in order to align appearance with preference. To the Nth degree, perhaps, but not incompatible with an acceptance of the impossibility of changing one's sex.
The irony I see is that, in area where self-identification is everything, the very definition 'trans' is one that can be imposed upon an individual who meets certain defined criteria (DSM5, American Psychiatric Association) whether or not the person themselves seek to identify as such.

Should say that I think your DS is super wise though, to delay hormone treatment. My nephew (formerly niece) is in the same situation, albeit a bit older, wondering whether to / when to begin testosterone treatment. He is now, after years down the rabbit hole of trans-yoof on social media and online communities, having lived as a boy for 5 years, starting to think he might just be a masculine presenting butch lesbian instead.

This was a very interesting post! I am a trans man who never went on hormones or had any surgery and actually gave birth to two lovely bundles of joy with my DH! I actually had a mother a lot like you. She always bashed "those trannies" and despite the harm it caused to my mental health I'm happy her hate mongering kept me from looking and presenting the way I've always felt was right for me. Maybe your son will accept his dysphoria and force it down just like I did!

Might be an interesting article for you, OP: www.1843magazine.com/features/when-girls-wont-be-girls

proudpapa

Did you miss this bit and some of the others

Evelyn He does plan on surgery and hormones, however he's told me that he's putting it off for as long as possible as there are possible side effects of testosterone, and he wants to be absolutely certain he is making the right choice (he's pretty certain at the minute).

It sounds like she is letting him decide

Im sorry your mum didnt do the same for you, it must have been hard for you

You never went on hormones or had any surgery - so how exactly are you a trans man then?

Also your attitude towards the OP sums up the narcissistic lunacy of the TA movement in a nutshell.

How can you be a 'ProudPapa' (and incidentally, who do all transpeople use all these cutesy names? stop it) if you gave birth to two children?

Your dysphoria must be dreadful if you managed to have PIV sex so many times you carried not one but two babies to term

Gestating a child and giving birth is the most female thing it's possible to do. Didn't it trigger your dysphoria?

There is nothing male about birthing two children.

If it triggered your dysphoria, then it must have been difficult.

Which is why gender is just about presentation. It's not about anything else.

No one can claim to be a man who has given birth to 2 children. It doesn't matter how difficult it was.

Phew! - my brain hurts!

I don't even know what a gender critical feminist is. Your son sounds really confused.

Hi ProudPapa, I am slightly confused by your post.

Obviously it was very wrong of your mum to say rude things about trans people. Though that's not what the OP has been doing.

But if your mum had encouraged you down the route currently being promoted then you would have had puberty blockers followed by testosterone which would have made you infertile so you wouldn't have been able to have any children.

Good article kalinka

This bit stood out for me -

she was unhappy as a child not because she was a boy trapped in a girl’s body but because she didn’t understand that she could be the kind of girl who hated girly things but loved other girls, without having to metamorphose into a man.

sleighbellend , it's is all about self-identification. Anyone can 'identify' as the gender of their choice, and if this happens to be the opposing gender to that most commonly associated with your sex, then you are, by definition, a 'trans man' or 'trans woman' (though it is debatable whether or not there should be spaces between the 'trans' and the man / woman, as it does rather change the implied status). No hormones, surgery or medical 'gate keeping' necessary, hence the massive problem with the gender self-identification bill.

I will admit carrying my sons did cause some dysphoria, but all my life I had wanted children of my own and we couldn't afford a surrogate. I am starting hormones in a few months to fully transition. I am a man in every aspect except the way I look. It's quite rude to question my masculinity. Would you question the femininity of a woman who is unable to carry her own children?

Other people are being rude?

Have you reread the Ops comments proud

As they appear to be wanting their child to decide for themselves

You are being rude

you're on the wind up aren't you ProudPapa

sleigh

I'm just not sure anymore

I am a man in every aspect except the way I look.

And have sex, get pregnant and give birth.