Is your DP a feminist?

[TurquoiseChevrotain]

I worry that my only choices in life are:

• be with someone who expects you to be better at household duties, so leaves you to it (that's just 1 example)...
• be alone forever.

Tell me there's hope

Is your DP a feminist?

Yes, he's an ally in most areas. He's not as radical as me and we disagree on the transgender sport issue (not massively but on the finer points).

He is a very kind man though and is constantly looking to see how he can increase my happiness.

I used to do a lot more of the house stuff because I had time to do it - I've slackened off and told him so and we've both decided to care even less about it - we've basically moved towards cleaning together once a month. He absolutely thinks none of this is my job and he's properly grateful if I'm in before him and knocked up dinner.

Yes, I agree about the cooking thing. We all ask dh what's for dinner, because he's the one who cooks every night. He's the one who plans what's for dinner, gets stuff out of the freezer in time for it to defrost in time to cook it and he starts cooking as soon as he's home from work.

Neither of us is the default parent for everything, which I think is important for kids to see. He has his areas of household responsibility like cooking and laundry (so if you want to know where your clean pants are, ask dad), I have different areas of responsibility (you want birthday/Christmas presents, make sure you tell mum what you want or you won't get it)

And he was (and is) a fantastic father raising girls. He honestly made her realise she could do anything.

Absolutely. He even listens to feminist podcasts and was part of a feminist forum but he got told off for mansplaining (he wasn't, but just by dint of being a man and voicing an opinion, that didn't go down too well) so he left again. He does as much cooking, cleaning and childcare as I do (if not more). But the thing is, he's Dutch. And most of the men here seem to be like that. I think the Scandinavians are like that too. So you need a foreign DP, OP!

He posted this on FB yesterday

Yes, both in theory and in practice.

We've been to feminist marches together. He's challenged male friends and colleagues on misogyny and casually sexist language. He works in IT and makes an active effort to hire women to his team. He's listened and learned a great deal from me about the female experience, sexual assault, and harassment.

He's done nearly all the cooking since our son was born and takes the lead on laundry and other responsibilities. I do lead on some areas of DC care but we have a good balance. I was committed to not marrying and having kids with someone unless he showed beforehand he pulled his weight, and he does.

We've been to feminist marches together. He's challenged male friends and colleagues on misogyny and casually sexist language. He works in IT and makes an active effort to hire women to his team. He's listened and learned a great deal from me about the female experience, sexual assault, and harassment.

I think this is excellent and vital. It's important for men to challenge misogyny in all situations of course but perhaps even more so in a field which is still male dominated, because in doing so he's helping remove the barriers to women progressing in the industry and helping more women into it. He sounds great.

I'm pretty keen, NoLove :)

He's learned from me but I think he was a natural feminist growing up - his friends as a teenager were mostly girls and he continues to have close female friends. I'm not sure I would have been attracted to a man who didn't have that basic understanding and sympathy for the female POV.

He has a whole digression on the advantage he gains for actively targeting women in IT and why it makes massive business sense, but I wouldn't do justice to it. This just to say, I think, that feminist men are real.

Also, I suppose this links to another point that often bugs me on this site - that if you find your partner - gasp - having a friendship with a woman, you must STAMP IT OUT IMMEDIATELY, else his penis will inevitably fall into her vagina at some point.

If you want a partner who is a feminist and sees you as a human being, surely you can understand that that means that he will also see other women as human beings, and maybe even genuinely like them as friends without inevitably fucking them? How can you have a partner who's a feminist if you deem that the only woman in the whole world he's allowed to see as a human being is you?

He calls himself one, but he's not as far along the scale as I am!!

He was raised by a single dad, so is a very keen parent (probably more so than me!), and as my carer has little choice but to take on a great deal of the wifework His best friend is a woman and is also quite a keen feminist. I originally took his surname on marriage, but when I told him I wanted to change back, he didn't bat an eye.

Interestingly I just told DH what I posted about him and he said he's not a feminist and he doesn't think men can be feminist!
He thinks he objectifies me too much to be feminist

I'm not sure I would have been attracted to a man who didn't have that basic understanding and sympathy for the female POV.

I share your feelings on that. I'm only friends with boys who do and are supportive of feminism, certainly couldn't be in a relationship with one who wasn't. I agree on your other sentiments as well! However, I'm not sure any feminists have ever said their partners can't be friends with other women. To me a boy/man who has a lot of friends who are girls/women is a huge positive.

Quentin - sounds like he's more self-aware than some men who claim to be feminists. Would he accept he's a good 'feminist ally'? Personally I don't mind which a bloke calls himself, its what he does which matters, but I think 'ally' can be a helpful concept.

However, I'm not sure any feminists have ever said their partners can't be friends with other women.

No, that's true. I haven't seen anyone on this site say that they are a feminist and in their next breath say that they don't think their partner can have female friends. But I think there are a lot of women, including on here, who would say that they want a partner who does their share of the housework and childcare, who listens to them and supports them and respects their perspective, but would also come down like a ton of bricks on that partner's female friends. I'm even more sure that there are people on here who would consider me hopelessly naive for "tolerating" DH having close female friends. And I do think there's a contradiction there worth pointing out.

I don't think feminists are particularly possessive, are they? And I honestly don't understand the "50% of the housework/having women friends" trade off......

For me, Bertrand, the link is seeing women as not that different to them, i.e. not a special species with responsibility for housework, and also considering that partner's time and feelings to have equal weight with their own and themselves having equal responsibility in their home.

So yes, I do see a connection between men seeing women as full human beings, having female friends, and pulling their weight in the home sphere. That's a side point here, I guess, but I think more women who want what is essentially a feminist partner, even if they don't call it as such, might have one if it were more accepted that yes, it's not only possible but natural to have friends of the opposite sex.

I asked DH, he said he considered himself feminist, he said yes but not as "extremist" as me (cheers DH!), but recognises that is because he has no vested interest (and he thinks having daughters would have made a difference)

The female friends things makes me laugh - some of my family have made a big deal about DH being called away from an event because his best friend had a DV situation.
I'm bisexual - am I allowed any friends?!

My DH is passionate about health equality, particularly for women in developing countries.
We have two DDs and I'm so glad he's their dad.

Housework's just a proxy in this discussion, surely?

DH is definitely a feminist/feminist ally (he asked me which one he should call himself and to be honest I'm not totally sure either ), he holds feminist beliefs but doesn't know if he can call himself feminist because he hasn't lived the experiences in the way I have and the way DD unfortunately will.

On a practical level, there's never been the expectation that I'll do all the "house stuff" or be a housewife in any way, shape or form. He's the cook of the family, because he can cook and I can't. He does the majority of the housework as he's a SAHD and I work long shifts. He comes from a family where the roles were very strictly adhered to and struggles at times with the feeling that he should be the breadwinner, but there's never been any expectation that I'll limit my career to enable this, and he loves being a SAHD, the feelings of guilt are just a hangover from his upbringing. It suits us far better to do things this way.

He's also gender-critical and we are both working hard to ensure, as much as we can, that DD is not limited by what society thinks she should do because she's female. I'd never tell him that he can't have female friends, and he'd never tell me I can't have friends of either sex (I'm bisexual). We trust each other.

Domestically yes. I'm not sure how he and his brothers ended up being men who do the majority of the cooking and don't assume any household task to belong to one sex over the other - as this was not modeled by their own parents.

Politically - he's learnt a lot and now points out inequality and entitled male behaviour unprompted by me. He works in a more female dominated profession and will take time off to look after ill children to make a point that dad's should be doing that too - even though it is more detrimental to his workplace than mine if he misses a day.

If I lost him, I'd rather be alone than be with a man who isn't this way.

My ex partner was like the best feminist dad in the world. But he also liked to fuck other women.

Turns out he loves his women to be intelligent and subservient.

He, this feminist ally, actually called me a feminazi.

My ex partner was like the best feminist dad in the world. But he also liked to fuck other women.

Turns out he loves his women to be intelligent and subservient.

He, this feminist ally, actually called me a feminazi.