Is your DP a feminist?

[TurquoiseChevrotain]

I worry that my only choices in life are:

• be with someone who expects you to be better at household duties, so leaves you to it (that's just 1 example)...
• be alone forever.

Tell me there's hope

Is your DP a feminist?

I think my dh is edging towards being a feminist because he's come so far from his misoginist start in life. Very dominant Dad, Mum had little/no education, all sisters were expected to clean up and make beds for their brothers and worse.

We've been together a long time and he understands that's wrong now. In the last year he's starting cleaning up unprompted, he says he believes women are equal and will make the right appalled sounds when I talk about FGM and stuff. He hates strip clubs.

He's done some very unfeminist stuff in the past which he's ashamed and sorry for and given where he started he's doing well!!

(From a very fledgling feminist thanks to mumsnet )

My dh had no problem me keeping my name on marriage.
But he'd have struggled to take mine or to have our children have mine as their "surname" (they have it as a middle name on passports etc). That's our compromise.

He also isn't pt at work and wouldn't cope well with being so. Mostly as it's a very "old boys" profession he's in. He's the one Bly one at his level without a stay at home wife and gets a good bit of grief about leaving for the nursery run at 6.

We split the household chores - they are divided out as per our strengths ( or what we like to do)

DH does 95% of the washing and ironing . He tidies the kitchen and washes up. He and I split the cleaning - I do the kitchen and the bathroom, he hoovers and dusts the whole house as I do the two rooms (I actually like doing those rooms). He keeps stuff tidy - I am the one who leaves knickers on the floor.
I do 95% of the cooking - he is a shit cook. I also decide what we are having meal wise. We both do the food shopping together. I manage the house - I work from home so I organise tradesmen to come (chimney sweep).

He believes we are a team and are equal-ish. I say equal-ish as he thinks I am actually superior to him as I can do everything he can (and very well) and I have given birth too!

Yes, plus all my male friends are. Always have been.

The surname thing is a bit of a non issue for me tbh. It's not my surname anyway, it's my dad's; women have never really had agency over their surnames. Unless you wo a new surname when you get married and both take it I don't see either option as particularly feminist but maybe that's just me!

If people want to share a name as a family unit the man should change his surname to the woman's in a heterosexual relationship.

I agree it would probably be better if that was the default, but I think this is one of the things where there is no 'should', its up to the couple. For instance, I changed my name, as the vast majority of women did back then. Whereas my academic publications were worthy but mundane, really not even worth the bother of keeping a 'professional' name for, he already had a couple getting cited in his field. Changing from his unusual name to my very common one (which I didn't like anyway) would have been frankly idiotic. I can find my subsequent publications under 'his' name much more easily than those with my old one so its a win-win.

Gah I meant unless you choose a new surname

Yes.
He does childcare and more cooking than me and we have an equal split of housework (albeit with a cleaner).
I couldn't hack any other situation.
And he is from a much more traditional culture where 'women's work' is more respected.
It is good for our daughter and I hope it means she doesn't wind up with a rubbish partner as she has seen an excellent example.

"it's my dad's; women have never really had agency over their surnames."
So how do men get their surnames then?

Yes my DH is. We also have at least a dozen couples among our friends who are just as egalitarian and feminist

the decent ones do exist. Good luck!

He believes both men and women should have the same opportunities. We would put women that won't attempt DIY, drive on motorways or use their gender to say they can't do something in the same vein as men not doing chores, as do I. I have met women like this.

When we both worked FT the chores were evenly split and he got DS ready for school for years.

I didn't change my name on marriage. When I returned to work they had changed my name in the door of my office, they had to change it back.

He basically likes people that will have a go at anything.

Surnames are often related to trades hence the amount of Smiths or for instance Beck I think is derived from living near water. DH family name is an interesting one as a really old Anglo Saxon name and I have only ever met one person with it who we are not related to.

Yes. He believes in equality, and that includes equality of opportunity.

Neither of us changed our names on marriage. Our children have my surname as a surname and his surname as a middle name.

Yes through and through in everything he does at home, at work and within his family.

He is the best person I have ever met.

I agree it would probably be better if that was the default, but I think this is one of the things where there is no 'should', its up to the couple.

I concur but since it's still so often the woman who changes hers there's clearly sexism inherent in the decision. Trying to keep this brief as I don't want to turn this thread into one about changing surnames as that's not what it's about but there's no reason for a woman to change her surname which wouldn't also apply to a man. It still annoys me to this day my mum changed her surname to my dad's even though it was before I was born and is my surname, I keep trying to get her to change it back! My surname is common but it's my name and always will be. I'd only ever get married for any future husband to take my surname.

Yes, mine is. He does more than 50% of the housework, gets everybody up in the morning and gives dd2 breakfast, does drop off/pick up when needed, etc. He also is the one who went part time after dd2 was born (well, once she went to school actually).

He does still have a tendency to mansplain, and isn't great with household admin but there really isn't much of that to be done so it doesn't bother me to do it.

It's not my surname anyway, it's my dad's

If a woman's surname is her dad's then why is a man's his? My surname isn't my dad's, it's mine. It's part of who I am and I will never change it, no woman should ever be expected to. Sorry again, I know this thread isn't about surnames but this notion a woman's surname is her dad's but a man's is his does get to me.

there's no reason for a woman to change her surname which wouldn't also apply to a man.

Yes. As with everything else, thats the acid test. Would a man do (or not do) what a woman is expected to do (or not do), based merely on sex.

I don't think my DP is a feminist. I'm very untidy, a hopeless cook and not a very good housekeeper. He hasn't left yet. And some men are really good cooks and good at keeping things tidy. If people want to do things that usually only men/women do then of course they should. Like playing rugby. But that doesn't appeal to me at all. But it probably doesn't appeal to quite a number of men either.

Not sure you can compare looking after your family with playing rugby!

Yes he is in actions as well as words. I am an extremely lucky woman. My husband is the bees knees (brag brag)
Examples: he took 6 months shared parental leave and sits on his companies part time/flexible working board (the only man to do so) so that he can encourage more men to work flexibly
He remembers most of the kids school requirements/play dates eye
He turned me from feeling like a freak into being more confident by making a link for me that men are threatened by assertive women
He manages and mentors lots of women at his work who are all more confident and going places because of that
He's an amazing role model for masculinity for our children. I love him to bits.

Whether a man is a good cook or not is what matters in relation to feminism- people have individual aptitudes and enthusiasms.

Its more along the lines of, when the kids ask 'whats for dinner' is it always Mum they ask by default? Does the dad (good cook or not) know where in the freezer the fish fingers are and which of the kids will eat broccoli?

Errol-absolutely. And whether he thinks when home "hmm- it's 5.00-people will be hungry in an hour, what shall I cook?"

My dad has also always been involved at home (as he should be), cooks as often as my mum does, always attends parents' evenings and events at school for my brothers and I, sometimes did the "school run" in the past and so on. I'll have to ask more about who keeps on top of arrangements my parents do socially, when those events at school are and other such work as I have a feeling my mum does it unthinkingly even though they both work full time...

I think I've made both my mum and dad more feminist but my dad specifically has listened to a lot of what I've said and takes it on board. I speak to him regularly about feminism, misogyny and my rage about what women and girls face and he's very receptive and seeks to do better himself at opposing it and making a difference to the attitudes of other men, friends and at work.