Is your DP a feminist?

[TurquoiseChevrotain]

I worry that my only choices in life are:

• be with someone who expects you to be better at household duties, so leaves you to it (that's just 1 example)...
• be alone forever.

Tell me there's hope

Is your DP a feminist?

I don't think he would consider himself to be a feminist however our relationship is completely equal in all ways.

I have been talking a lot recently about all the trans stuff and he agrees with me that it is complete nonsense.

He is in a manual job and tends to do all the heavy jobs around our house and I do the washing and paperwork which he has no patience with. However I would say that was due to a difference in personality rather than a male female division of labour.

OP asked about household duties...

Yes but I don't think he thinks deeply about it.

In terms of household chores, he does as much as I do, as he did childcare wise (DCs grown up). He does all the food shopping, much of the present buying, laundry etc, bill paying,shares cooking, cleaning etc.

Workwise, we both worked part time - cut down by a few hours each - when DCs were younger so one was of us was always around to do school pickups and child care.

What about things like surname with marriage?

When we got married there was no more suggestion that I take his name than there was that he take mine! We've both kept our own names, and will work out what names to give DC when we have them.

We talked a lot about it, we'd both been married before, and it was solely my decision, for a range of reasons, to do what I did.

He would have respected any decision I made as it's my name and my choice.

Plenty of people will say that changing your name at all is unfeminist and it's much discussed on MN. Same is also said of marriage. But choice is choice is choice and it is, for me, what feminism is about. Not blindly following the customs of the past. And even when we do follow them, being aware it's a choice and that the decisions we make are influenced by the norms of the society we live in, and all the things that feed into it.

What are your worries OP?

I think mine is in theory, and is getting better in practice. Having a daughter has heightened his awareness, for sure.

Yes. He and I are partners in life, the household management, kids, earning etc. It looked a bit traditional-roles when kids were small but he took a day off a week to enable more childcare, and supported me through disability and work problems. Over the last 6 months it's ended up with me working full time and him being mostly a SAHP and he's risen to it admirably, basically just getting on and doing what needed to be done and doing it properly (eg sorting out kids book bags after school, all the laundry, texting me about things I needed to know) and telling people to shut up when they went on about how "good" he is, just shrugging "well NotCitrus managed it". Certainly didn't feel emasculated by me earning and said any man who couldn't cope with their partner earning more was a prat.
He always said that he didn't like my surname but couldn't expect me to take his seeing as he wouldn't take mine. Fair enough.
He's good at telling the kids that boys don't have to like football (he and ds hate it), they can paint nails if they want, and helps role play how to deal with stupid comments.
He's not great with words but walks the walk.

Yy - having a daughter definitely helped DH to understand some of the things that I had been saying for years...!

Not at all.

@AfunaMbatata - does that not bother you?

Yes. So was my father (although he wouldn't really have used the term).

I didn't change my name - it wouldn't have occurred to either of us.

I kept my name. It's my name. It wasn't an issue.

Yes. My DP is definitely a feminist, which as just as well as I grew up with four brothers who are all more than a little bit on the chauvinist side. No way would I have put up with that kind of shit in a husband.

When we got married, we considered all options in terms of surnames - both keeping our own names, him taking mine, me taking his and even combining our names into a new name. In the end I took his name, but that was really because I never liked mine, whereas his is a really nice surname. I have no doubt that if I had had the nicer surname, that he would have taken mine.

Of course .

I have never knowingly fucked a misogynist and cannot understand women who do.

Yup, he's a great ally.

I had changed my name when I married the first time to an astoundingly abusive man so it would have felt a bit weird not changing it again when I married this husband, so I made some non feminist choices. We've talked about me changing my name back to my birth surname, and he's fine with it, but I don't know I can be arsed with the drama. It was enough of a pain in the arse trying to convince the bank that yes, I really did wish my title to be Ms, that the thought of name changing without a really good reason is beyond my powers at the moment.

Yes, but wasn't always this way.

There's lots he never realised about the things women go through every day. Since having DD, that has also helped.

Round the house now he'll do any housework. We split housework, childcare and work. It feels very equal and like a great team.

With gender neutral thing an example was the other day I spotted a tea pot set, which I knew DS2 would love, he's really into role play at the moment. I asked if DH minded if we got it. He agreed he would love it. I said but what about the colour, it's pink? And he shrugged and said, it's a tea pot. He'll love it.

So it's all good, and they do exist.

Even the good ones might be stuck in traditional roles though, so don't discount them!

My dad: is a QC. Is a feminist because he's listened to what I have to say. Makes sure he furthers the cause of young women in his chambers. Goes out of his way now to recognise sexism amongst his staff. Has stopped some of the barristers at his chambers socialising at "strip pubs" in Chancery Lane (which was commonplace). Hopefully this counts. He tells me I am having a real impact upon him...and I am also doing so on my 15 year old brother. My other brother I am more fearful of...

I changed my name on marriage but it was due to family pressure, my dad told me he'd be ashamed if I didn't, and that it was incredibly disrespectful to my husband not to. My husband didn't care one bit but I didn't want to upset my dad. With hindsight I often wish I hadn't changed it. Although on the other hand, I do like the fact that as a family unit we all share the same name. It's a tricky one.

If people want to share a name as a family unit the man should change his surname to the woman's in a heterosexual relationship.

Yes, of course. I wouldn't marry a sexist wanker.

We have a DD so it's even more vital that he is a feminist. Who wants their Dad holding them back?

My DH is a great feminist ally. Equal split of household and childcare (we both work four days). We both double barrelled our surnames when we got married, which confused a lot of people! He's also very gender critical.

He's got more feminist in his views since we've had children and (a) he's experienced the atrocious gender stereotyping assuming he's incapable of looking after the DC and (b) he's seen how the reverse affects me. He's much more aware of the pervasive and systemic nature of the problem now.

Yes he is. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in equality.

Yes, and he proudly identifies as one (he has one of those 'This is what a feminist looks like t-shirts that he likes to wear when he goes to the football, etc).

He grew up in a very traditional family environment and so is not perfect and sometimes old-fashioned views do slip in, but he genuinely believes in equality and respects me deeply so is always open to discussing these things and makes a genuine effort to change any latent stereotypical behaviour.

For example, after DD was born I had a year off and we definitely slipped into typical gender roles for a while. That was fine, but I explained to him about the mental load and how I needed him to take a share of domestic responsibility, even if I was doing most of the actual work. He then actually read Wifework and tells all his friends about how they should read it, and things completely changed!

The fundamental fact of it is that mutual trust and respect. It's the essential foundation for tackling any issues within a long-term relationship.

Yes, very much so.

Re names, I didn't change mine when we got married and the dc have my surname. It always surprises me how unusual this arrangement is.

Oh and when we got married he was very clear that he did not expect me to change my name and would happy to consider changing his if it was important to me. As it happens, this is not something that bothers me and I decided to change mine for a number of reasons but I was under no pressure from him to do so.