Worried I'm missing opportunities to 'teach' my 3 DDs feminism

[WomanNoCis]

I say 'teach' but I probably mean leading by example, immersing them in the understanding of feminism. I'm concerned I'm uninformed and therefore missing opportunities or worse providing examples of conforming to patriarchy.
I'm a SAHM with school age DDs. yes I'm 'one of those'. DH earns a good salary but works long hours, and I think he has the short straw. I organise the house, kids, finances etc. So although I don't earn money, I certainly control it - choose mortgage, insurance, savings plans etc. Of course, I'm still financially dependent on DH but doesn't really feel like it.
With this family set up can my DDs be introduced to feminism? How can I do this? Do you chat about the theories with your DCs?

My mum is an academic radical feminist. I grew up immersed in feminist theory.

So naturally, I rebelled. :)

Well not really, I am a gobby feminist myself but fuck me some of it was truly joyless. Ditch the theory. Never use the words 'research shows...' unless you want to see eyes rolled back to the sky.

Be a feminist. Act like one. Say feminist stuff. But don't 'educate' unless it's immediately relevant to a real life situation, or it's been asked for.

I hated feminism through my teenage and young adult years because to me it meant lectures and being made to feel guilty for wearing lipstick and liking popular culture.

Be fun, and be kind.

I have a friend in a similar position to you who has gone back to work (PT - freelance) in order to model independence to her children. She has a (very) high earning husband. One of the amusing consequences has been she is now very picky about her freelance commissions and actually earns more than she did when she was FT.

I don't think the thread should focus on SAHM v WOHM but the OP has made the point that she is worried that she is providing examples conforming to patriarchy which I think prima facie she is. She has to be prepared to counter the impression that her life choice may give as to her beliefs

I hated feminism through my teenage and young adult years because to me it meant lectures and being made to feel guilty for wearing lipstick and liking popular culture That is a shame.

But feminism isn't really "all about choice", is it?

It's all about showing how the choices available to male and female persons are not neurral and arbitrary, and are not valued equally by society.

neutral! AGH!

but also that choices which are on paper available aren't really always available as conditioning and gender stereotyping

Loads of good ideas here which I will try. I also try to train mine up with a few cheery or sarky comebacks for the inevitable playground shite about 'only boys/girls can like/wear/play with that!'

Also I try to focus on the least sexist kids tv options and to avoid advertising wherever possible. There are a few threads on here recommending good tv series for kids if you search.

There are two main elements to teach:

1. Women and girls matter.
2. The treatment of women and girls.

The first is about teaching through example and through media the value of female relationships with each other and the value of what women do. Pick tv shows and books where women talk to each other and have friendships with each other.

Remember the Bechdale test. Teach your DDs to watch out for it. Every time there is a trailer on with one girl in and a whole load of guys, point it out. DD and I raise 1 finger in front of each other in the cinema every time that happens in a trailer.

Talk all the time about female politicians and thinkers. Go to women's events. Watch female performers. Read books about women and girls by women. Listen to female musicians. Admire female characters.

Value women.

1. The treatment of women and girls.

Talk about how women and girls around the world are treated. Make links between issues like environmental problems and women and girls' lives. Support charities that support women. Look at charities like Water Aid and sanitation issues for women. Talk about pregnancy; talk about how amazing it is to be a mum, and talk about all the women who have children taken away from them as part of the oppression of women. Talk about how each and every woman should be entitled to women's rights, and how many are denied them. Talk about how amazing it is to be able to go to school; talk about how all the girls who can't. All this age appropriately, of course.

Wunderkind77 do you think all those 'proper' feminists are going to be happy paying much higher nursery fees to enable the workers to have a higher salary? Maybe it would be better working towards a society which valued good child rearing as the most beneficial role a woman can do.
It's not about work it's about choosing what is right for you and your family and being valued as an equal when you do that. It's about teaching children that all people are equal from birth. It's about teaching children to respect all people equally. Its encouraging girls to reach their potential just as much as boys. It's upholding the same standards and expectations for boys and girls.

Without that all the ripping up up pink clothes and placard waving will be wasted. I'm no more equal now I'm in a high paid job than I was breastfeeding my baby. It's really not about paid employment.
And yes, I suppose we could have shared our child rearing more equally and taken the salary hit if my husband was a more omnipresent father but then neither of us would have reached our potential and we'd not have been so able to support our family as a couple. As it is we decided jointly about whose career would take precedence during the early years and what that meant for both of us. His success meant when the children were a bit older we could afford for me to gain higher qualifications and return to full time work at a reasonable level and focus on my career. Having everything you want all the time without compromise might be 'proper' feminism but it's certainly not the best way to happy, long term relationships and contentment.
Feminists should be trying to ensure women don't feel they have to be superwoman and should be supporting other women not damning their choices.

Excellent post and suggestions Sylvia.

@crumbs

Maybe it would be better working towards a society which valued good child rearing as the most beneficial role a woman can do.

Oh God. Seriously?

And you "jointly decided" that his career should take precedence? You're doing feminism wrong.

Also, of course "proper feminists" support better wages and working conditions for nursery workers. We believe that childcare should be heavily subsidised, like it is in most other European countries.

Wunderkind Yes we jointly decided. I was actually the higher earner at the time and he was going to be a stay at home father doing a little supply work but I really wanted to have longer with the baby and not go back straight away. After the second we decided it would be better if he found some ambition so I could afford to stay with my babies.

How does that belittle women? Insisting all children have to be dumped in a nursery being cared for by a disaffected and far less qualified person than their own parent just because feminists feel women have to work to demonstrate equality is a bit skewed.

Obviously a professional childcare worker is more qualified than you when it comes to childcare.

I'm a bit embarrassed for you and your views about women.

Eh?? More qualified than the parent? Only on paper. I feel perfectly qualified in my role as a SAHM without needing qualifications thank you very much.

However, if I pay a nursery to look after my children then yes I would expect them to be properly trained/qualified. Just as I do the teachers in their school.

If you feel like you have to justify your life choices to anyone then you aren't truly empowered. Earning a wage has nothing to do with it.

I'm a bit embarrassed for you and your views about women

Jeez the irony!

a professional childcare worker is more qualified than you when it comes to childcare

Do you have children? I can't imagine how a parent could write that?

I'm a bit embarrassed for you and your views about women

Oh the irony.

Wunderkind, you're being awfully selective about the comments you're choosing to respond to.

Your position - SAHMothers cannot be feminists. Again, does that include feminist activists who are raising their children and not working? Do lifelong feminists cease to be feminists if they don't work while raising their children, according to you?

So in your brand of feminism women are not allowed to stay at home with kids but men are? And that's feminist?

Feminists should be trying to ensure women don't feel they have to be superwoman and should be supporting other women not damning their choices

Good points, wouldn't you agree?

X-post with conserve

Innit though?

There are some good books to gently introduce feminist role models such as Fantastic Women Who Changed The World which my 6 year old loves.

Celebrate women - be excited about spending time with female family members, have fun with your children, have great friends of your own and a social life and interests outside the home. Model a loving and mutually supportive relationship. Gently introduce the idea that "equal" doesn't mean "the same" - you have equal Christmas presents, but you each get to choose your own.

Listen to them and make them feel valued. Do not let them hear you belittle others - especially women, especially not for appearance or how many partners they have had.

Reference female sportspeople and musicians. Ask rhetorical questions; "Why is Skye the only female Paw Patrol?" Buy comfortable clothes for them and you, buy a mixture of toys from Lego to cars to dolls.

Let them hear you get angry about issues - talk about real things at dinnertime - the letter you wrote to your MP or the way you shot down a builder who catcalled you, in an age appropriate way of course.

Respect their boundaries and do not make them hug or kiss people they don't want to.

When people say "All those girls? Poor you!" or similar, look baffled and say "No, lucky me."

Model happiness, kindness and a "mucking in" attitude and the rest will follow.

I am a SAHM and a feminist and I do not believe they are mutually exclusive. My worth is not determined by £££ on a payslip.

What a lot of patronising put downs Wunderkind77
Feminism to me starts with supporting women, not trying to find opportunities to put them down and belittle them.
Some great suggestions on this thread.