Worried I'm missing opportunities to 'teach' my 3 DDs feminism

[WomanNoCis]

I say 'teach' but I probably mean leading by example, immersing them in the understanding of feminism. I'm concerned I'm uninformed and therefore missing opportunities or worse providing examples of conforming to patriarchy.
I'm a SAHM with school age DDs. yes I'm 'one of those'. DH earns a good salary but works long hours, and I think he has the short straw. I organise the house, kids, finances etc. So although I don't earn money, I certainly control it - choose mortgage, insurance, savings plans etc. Of course, I'm still financially dependent on DH but doesn't really feel like it.
With this family set up can my DDs be introduced to feminism? How can I do this? Do you chat about the theories with your DCs?

Wunderkind, as a lifelong feminist - even when I was a stay at home parent oddly, as I didn't suddenly 'stop' being a feminist - I disagree entirely with you.

But you are completely entitled to your opinion, so there we go.

I'm a SAHM and a feminist. If you want to judge everyone's worth by a very simple 'how much do they earn?' formula like a good little capitalist then knock yourself out but you can leave me the fuck out of it.

I think its all about challenging preconceptions and prejudices they pick up- i'm a worm with a SAHD but DS still picks up crap about gender roles.
I think you need to explain why being a Sahm works for you - and also why it works for their dad. I think you also have to be honest about the downside- otherwise it looks like an ideal job - you don't work and have a nice life style - i do know girls who think (at the extreme) this is ideal- I know a 14 year old whose ambition is to be a footballers wife - how do you counter this? How do you convey to your daughters that qualifications matter if you don't use them? I struggle with DS who sees that DP has a very nice life compared to me working full time so why can't he be like DP- we are lucky in that most of the role models DS sees are the reverse.

No great example of feminism in a single working mother forced into working long hours whilst her children are left being cared for by other very low paid women in a crowded nursery.

I think it would be a much better example of feminism for a mother to work and to have children in nursery. As for low-paid nursery staff, I think they should unionise and demand better wages.

No great example of feminism to have the father avoid high paid job to be more involved with the family. How would children understand financial parity and sharing all if there simply isn't enough money to around and every spend results in argument and blame?

Um. You're kind of proving my point. If both parents worked, it's a lot more likely that there would be financial parity, and more money to go around.

There is a debate to be had about why women are often expected to sacrifice their careers whilst the man's takes precedence after a child is born but I'm not sure it's completely relevant here. Suggesting some would be "better examples of feminism" than others is unhelpful in my opinion. It's like saying a woman who puts on lots of makeup isn't as good as an example of feminism as one who doesn't. WomanNoCis asked if her daughters can be introduced to feminism with her specific family set up. As many have said, they certainly can, and there have been some excellent suggestions as to how to go about this I think.

EenyMeenyMo that's a good point regarding your son picking up gender roles. I've read on here of posters whose children have taken in sexist nonsense and start viewing roles in a gendered way no matter what their set up at home. Programmes such as "No More Boys and Girls" also show that; we're bombarded with such a young age by artificially imposed "gender" and pushed towards the roles deemed appropriate for our sex that this often overrides what happens with parents anyway, which is why it's all the more important for parents to combat this and discuss the issues with their children no matter what their set up.

Wunderkind, is it fair to say that feminism for you is all about whether someone works or not? Nothing else? The complex ongoing conversation and debate about women, so-called gender roles, representation in the media, politics, STEM, equality of all kinds etc etc etc is all reduced to 'sorry, you don't work right now, so you CANNOT be a feminist?'

You haven't addressed my point about stay at home fathers. Also, what about women who can't work, for whatever reason. Can they still be feminists?

What about feminist activists who stay at home with their children - not feminists either?

Women who are stay at home parents but manage to do a few hours low-paid work at home? Allowed into your narrow definition or not?

I'm trying to to give you the benefit of the doubt, that you mean well, but some of your comments - If you don't mind me asking: in what ways are you a feminist? - are a little trying.

I was brought up by a SAHM who took her husband's name. For me it modelled what I DIDN'T want in my own life, so I made different decisions.

@Famousfolk

Yes, I think feminism is strongly tied to whether a woman works or not.

As for SAHD, I think that would be great, and explicitly feminist - showing a much-needed example of reversing the gender roles that are apparent in our society.

Representation in media, politics, STEM, requires women to be working in these fields, not sitting at home raising children and running house.

Wunderkind77 I think your posts are slightly derailing, unhelpful and incorrect. Many women in STEM care about women's representation in politics, many women in politics care about women's representation in STEM, many women care about all sorts of issues they're not directly contributing to the changing of. You are quite dismissive of vital work raising children, in a sense this shows the undervaluing of work because it was associated with women. There are so many important feminist issues. The OP is asking about how to introduce her daughters to feminism which I think is vital to do.

For working mothers I think childcare arrangements are also something that needs thinking about. We home schooled two of ours, they never went to a nursery and missed 4 years of school. They were very puzzled when they started school with the idea that boys do this and girls do that, you play with girls if you are a girl, you play with your own age group. They had never experienced any of that with home ed kids and I wonder how many children pick up these ideas from carers or other children?

Wow, this has turned into another SAHMs v Working mums thread. Super.

OP, there are some amazing podcasts made by women who aim to raise everyone up rather than raise themselves up while pushing everyone else down. I would advise having a listen and using some of their ideas. Teach your DDs to respect other women's choices, and open doors rather than slamming them shut. The fact you are even thinking about it shows you care which is what counts!

As for SAHD, I think that would be great, and explicitly feminist

So in your brand of feminism women are not allowed to stay at home with kids but men are? And that's feminist?

Riiiight

*The fact you are even thinking about it shows you care which is what counts!

Very much so and will hugely help your daughters WomanNoCis. I think presenting them with an array of women who excel in all sorts of fields could help as well, especially if prompted by their interests. Challenge sexism, sexist stereotyping, ask them to question it, I think there are lots of ways feminism can be introduced to them.

Wow, this has turned into another SAHMs v Working mums thread

That's why I've tried to disengage with it. Tying in being 'allowed' to be a feminist if you fit a certain social/economic criteria isn't great to read.

conserve absolutely.

OP, I think you're probably doing a great job.

Only one poster has said that though NameChange. I think it's frustrating as it's derailed the discussion from what the OP was asking about, which is an important question (on introducing feminism to her daughters). There have been some very good suggestions though.

So I do lots of things - e.g. I cook with them both, climb trees with them both, dd is very into football atm and we actively encourage her to be.

I call it out when I see it. So in Enid Blyton books for example the boys always have the good ideas and protect the girls so before do could read I would just reverse that by changing the names of the speakers (and often changing the sex of the main character in picture books etc) and now she's older I just point it out. 'Wow, it seems like this author really doesn't feel like girls can be brave/active/whatever, I wonder why that is' Actually that's doubly helpful because it gets them to understand how writers make choices so kerching - English curriculum too

Oh and not automatically defaulting to male for all the animals in the world too like every other fucker seems to - 'Oh look at the cow! Isn't he big?' Um, it's got FUCKING UDDERS?

My mum defaults to "he" so much she refers to one of our neighbour's cats with the male pronouns even though we know she's a...she, and also defaults to "he" when talking about dentists (for example if someone mentions they met a dentist but doesn't say the name) even though she herself is one She also assumes "he" for various other professional jobs and always says, for example, "businessmen". In our household it's me who always pulls her up on this, though one of my brothers also does now

My neighbour - who is in her late 30s - refers to the 'lady doctor' her children see. She gives me a little smile as she does it because she knows I'm a feminist and she's showing me how progressive she is.

"I'm not an angry, get really cross about surnames and pink clothes type person though."

You don't have to be angry or get really cross. You just have to be aware of the inequality and the gender stereotyping.

Oh dear conserve. It exasperates me when my mum does it because I don't want to keep "correcting" in case it's irritating, but then this kind of language does matter I think!

I think one of the most important thing for SAHP feminists to do is model good, equal relationships. This really means working together with your partner. It's very easy for the SAHP to default to "wifework" mode- and frankly, it's often easier that way, so the parents have to make sure they don't do that. Or at least, not always......

That was a great post DrizzleHair.