Life choices

[Aryo]

Hi, my name is Oliver. I have been recently in a debate with my mother about a big life choice I am about the make. I want to be a father at some point and I have read a lot of literature in the last few months about women's problems and why they would not have babies. So I am in the third year of my PhD in a rather famous NY university and my idea is that I should deliberately quit and go for something that I can give up at some point to become a stay at home father. The thought behind that is, that since woman don't won't to be forced out of their job because of a baby, because it is the logical decision for the parent with the lower income to drop out and look after the kids, I should deliberately try to be that one, in order to be more attractive as a potential father. I currently do have a girlfriend, so that is not the issue, and I had never problems finding a mate, but I cannot find any girl that would even entertain the idea of having a family.

Am I betting on the right horse here or is my mother right and I am destroying my future?

Ah, yes, I have seen a TV program about that - but how are you affording to live - as I said, when I was at University I got a grant (no tuition fees back then) - which pretty much just covered rent - I could work for my first two years (although it meant I had no downtime at all - uni all week, work all weekend) but for my final year it wasn't possible (and part of my second year - I was on a particularly intensive degree). So inevitably I ran up overdraft, loan (they were just coming in) and a credit card just so I could eat (I wasn't a party person at all)

Forget my question - it's completely off topic - I can google as well as anyone else!

You seem to be struggling to comprehend why a woman would decide not to have children, and seized on career impact as the only plausible reason which has led to your 'solution'. Is that right?

There are many reasons why women choose not to have children, and I don't think scuppering your PhD would make you more attractive to anyone.

TashaYar

I thought it was a little different to that. I thought he thinks she might want children (or someone else in his future would) but doesn't want to be forced to be the main caregiver, on the basis of him being the bigger earner.

Instead of thinking let's not force her to be the main caregiver, because she doesn't want to.

Possibly, Datun, but I was stuck by the OP's post at 12:26: "I had many long term relationships, but I never met a girl, who would entertain the thought of having a family one day. What is the reason then?"

*struck

I agree you are making a decision now that you don't need to make. Whether you were male or female the best advice would be to finish your studies and then take it from there. I'd be put off by somebody who dropped out of a course for no good reason. Especially for some woman who only exists in your imagination.

I think you should definitely start off with taking over all the household chores, household admin. See how you get on.

Are you sure you're doing a PhD? I'm going to be perfectly honest. My husband having a PhD contributed to my decision to marry him. I always intended to stay at home with my children as long as possible because it's far better than working. Even if I had wanted a husband willing to be a stay at home dad him having a decent education or a higher wage wouldn't prevent him from doing so if he was willing. A lot of people have mental break downs during PhDs, I would consider thinking about your mental health before your potential future wife.

TashaYar

Yes, confusing. I'm not sure the OP is entirely consistent in everything he says.

The solution is to earn, and save, a shit ton of money and then whoever wants to/doesn't want to stay at home/pay for expensive childcare/whatever can.

I didn't want kids in my 20s. It wasn't because of the sex-based pay gap.

If you want to bin your PhD, bin it, but don't ever tell your hypothetical future wife that you jacked it in for her benefit. Because if she isn't suitably grateful for your martyrdom, you're both gonna be pissed off and resentful.

"some time back someone here was bemoaning the fact that men on online dating profiles don't specify how they're going to look after or bring up their children, and about how it would be so much more attractive if they talked about what great parents they'd be, so maybe Aryo is thinking along those lines."

Lol... That was me and that's not what I meant. I was just saying that men stipulate they want children on their profiles without appearing to have put any thought into practical realities of it. In contrast - they go on and on about their fancy hobbies and cliches about social justice.

Aryo, I think it's commendable that you are thinking about it ahead of time and are aware of the feminist problems connected with motherhood. That said, having a Phd sounds perfect for doing flexible/freelance work you could combine with your fair share of the parenthood. Completing it is your best bet.

I really hope you are thinking about your future partner, however your arrogance about how easy you find it to attract women would put me off if I was that young again. If you are doing a PhD finish it I want to be sure I understand exactly how long you consider a long term relationship, to me that would be at least 2 years plus and if you are doing your PhD you are mid twenties? Just how many LTRs have you had to make it many?

Being honest how good are you at changing nappies, getting up for night time feeds (your partner works so you can't disturb her) or dealing with vomited stained clothes when do the washing? These tasks are the ones most men seem to expect us to do so how will you deal with the day to day care? I doubt you will have any time to use a playstation or Xbox.

To the OP: