What's wrong with being a SAHM?

[Roseandlily]

I am not a feminist (I don't think). I currently earn more than my partner but when our baby is born I will be a stay at home mother. I love the idea of striving to be the best mother, home maker, having the tea on the table for when he gets home stuff. I love the idea of it all. But when I talk to people and they ask "oh what's your plan, how long to you plan to take off work?" And we both say I won't be going back and this will be me at home for say the next 10years give or take.

I would like to add that we would like to have 3 children so I will be at home until the last child starts school.

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that :) or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home.

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

I do think woman should be the care giver and the man should be the protector and provider. I don't understand what's wrong with that

For you or for everyone?

And your post is contradictory - if your father did such a good job why do you think that women should be care givers?

I love the idea of living like a 1950s housewife

As others have counselled, there may be a vast gap between your ideas and reality. Why do you think there was a big feminist wave in the 1960s if being a 1950s housewife was such fun?

However, of course it is up to you and there is no need to explain your choices to other people or to have to defend them. When you become a mum, everything you do will be wrong anyway, so think of this as early training

And that very comment personalises this debate further. You have singled out people talking about their relevant, genuine lived experience as 'stifling'

No, like others I've got tired of this thread because of the inability of some (you) to move beyond the personal to see the bigger picture.

your idea of feminism is completely wrong. Feminism is about having equal opportunities to pursue whatever you want to do. If you want to stay at home and be a homemaker then by all means do so, it is about having the choice and people not assuming that because you are female you must give up your job and be a full time stay at home parent.

some (you) to move beyond the personal to see the bigger picture.

Oh the irony! You, Spartacus are criticising me, openly, overtly and specifically. Are you telling me not to take this personally, as it was meant?

I think a lot of people are telling you lots of things, Clarity. You don't appear to be listening, though, or really able to engage in meaningful ways with what people are saying ...

What do you expect Spartacus, from someone, so 'obviously damaged by the oppressive patriarchy'? Meaningful comments, when anything I say is invalidated as a result of my oppression?

I do find it helpful to read people's personal experiences. To remind me that for some it's worked and others it hasn't.

My mother was never at home. She worked all the time! And when she wasn't working she was nagging and cleaning. We have never had a good relationship and I'm terrified of that happening with me and my children.

My husband is great and I've been in charge of all financials since before we married as he is not so great with money. I give him is spending money every Friday.

I do think woman should be the care giver and the man should be the protector and provider. I don't understand what's wrong with that?

Well, as you say yourself:

I would just like to add my dad was a stay at home father and we loved it! He was amazing at it and much better as a parent than my mother was and still is!

You'll have a matriarchy within a patriarchy, then, Rose....(financially speaking).

Sorry, OP, do I understand you correctly? You plan to give up work and become financially dependent upon someone who you regard as 'not so great with money'?

Luminaries but I do think that saying 'feminism is about choice' is pointlessly glib and it is worthwhile to examine the context of choices.
I absolutely agree with you on this.
I also changed my name when i got married. I had a silly romantic idea about it and didn't think about what it really meant.
Wish I hadn't got married at all now, not because of my husband - he's fine! Mind you I would never have heard the end of it from my mum or my mum-in-law if we'd had kids 'out of wedlock '!

But OP's partner also dependent on her, as she is in control of the finances. She gives him 'pocket money'. In your situation, I'd put some money aside, in savings and investments in my own name, too OP. So your partner cannot suddenly decide to make some very costly decisions.

A lot of people who woh end up doing the juggle so it still puts people off. Some families have both parents pick up the responsibility but many still don't. Often, women have the worst of both worlds and working is exhausting. Sah is sometimes an easier option. That is one point.

Another point is it is often underestimated how exhausting looking after young (and even school aged children can be). I do think it is less stressful for one person to take responsibility of that side of things. It doesn't necessarily mean the woman but because we're often lower earners, it ends up that way. I don't think it's necessarily feminist to believe that a baby or 2 will just slot into 2 working parents ' life. It just doesn't in my experience unless you are very rich and can outsource everything .

Our society wants everyone out at work no matter what. I don't think working with children (or at least not full time) is for everyone and can be detrimental to parents' mental/physical health in the early years. In the later years, teens often need one parent to support them through school and emotional stuff. It's hard to home home at 6 faced with homework tears, friendships dramas and a bunch of chores, inc dinner and admin to boot.

As for depending on a man, yhat can happen on 2 salaries. These days, not many families are automatically set up to survive alone. They are interdependent, with the man just as dependent on the woman's income. Who can go from a family home to 2 separate homes And not feel the pinch?

Calm down Clarity and have a . You are starting to attribute things to the wrong posters.

it is worthwhile to examine the context of choices.

But I also think we should not less this, contextual evaluation, cause individual women's genuine choices to be dismissed, out of hand, due to the oppression of women in general. This takes away real women's voices.

Calm down Clarity and have a . You are starting to attribute things to the wrong posters.

Have I? Where?

I don't think women's choices should be dismissed out of hand, far from it. But I do think posters can be defensive about their choice to such an extent that it makes them feel attacked by feminist analysis, when this is absolutely not the intention, and that offence can then be used to shut down debate.

Look, feminism should make us feel uncomfortable because it involved challenging the status quo and our unconscious as well as conscious biases. Feminism is not about stroking your head and saying 'good for you, hun' - that is female solidarity, which I love, but feminism is the scary step beyond female solidarity that takes us out of our comfort zone.

He's not good with money no. He doesn't gamble or anything like that and only has a small loan that is paid each month, he just used to spend and spend. But like I said I control it all. I have his internet banking so I can see everything and I sort everything out

I don't think women's choices should be dismissed out of hand, far from it. But I do think posters can be defensive about their choice to such an extent that it makes them feel attacked by feminist analysis, when this is absolutely not the intention, and that offence can then be used to shut down debate.

Look, feminism should make us feel uncomfortable because it involved challenging the status quo and our unconscious as well as conscious biases.

I am well used to defending my choices, amongst women and men. Yes, the result if this can be to shut down debate, if they have no genuine response to my points. Does that mean these points should not be made?

My points are not made in order to feel comfortable. They genuinely reflect my perspective. I cannot help if this does not fit in with, or complement, the perspectives of those I am conversing with.

The truth is that feminist issues are complex. I think it is wrong to overly polarise the arguments. I am a feminist, though, because I genuinely support women's freedom from oppression and right to equality.

OP - I'm still really interested in your answer to this question though:
Why do you think men should do the providing and women should do the caring when it was the other way round with your parents?
I think that it's best for women and men to take responsibility for both.

I have his internet banking so I can see everything and I sort everything out

You'd be better putting this on a more formal (and legal) basis, OP. Like a joint current account and a separate savings account in each your names, for example.

Agree with clarity - it shouldn't be his internet banking, which he can lock you out of anytime he chooses, but your joint internet banking, if you choose to sah.

Also, I think you need to look at what being a 1950s housewife actually meant before declaring it to be your ideal existence. Marital rape was still legal and as a woman you would have needed a man to counter sign any mortgage agreement etc. Not exactly living the dream, is it. Which is why your friends might be taking issue with it as a concept.

You'd be better putting this on a more formal (and legal) basis, OP. Like a joint current account and a separate savings account in each your names, for example.

I agree. But even then there's nothing to stop him opening his own account for his salary/taking out a credit card in his name/spending the savings if he lapses into bad spending habits. I'd be very cautious in the OP's position.

Seachangeshell - like I said my dad was amazing. He came on all the school trips and let us do things that others wouldn't. I can't say that he wasn't as good as a woman because I think he was better than most :). And I can't explain why I think women should be the care givers and why men should be the providers. I just think that way :)