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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

The work women do

130 replies

MoonriseKingdom · 21/05/2017 10:09

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Apologies if this has been posted before. I saw this on Facebook this morning and it sums up everything I struggle to articulate to my DH. He really does want to be helpful/ do his fair share and I love him but it is the taking of overall responsibility for the thinking in our house that I find exhausting.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/05/2017 14:52

I think that should be 'Darwinian'.

TheChineseChicken · 22/05/2017 15:04

Well, that's encouraging, Collidascope. I don't know what the solution is... stop doing all the jobs or stop caring?

Datun · 22/05/2017 15:05

Dar-whine-eon

FagAshMIL · 22/05/2017 15:06

How prevalent is this in same sex couples with kids I wonder?

PoochSmooch · 22/05/2017 15:31

It's a great cartoon.

A friend has posted it on facebook, and right on cue a bloke has breezed on to say "Ladies, stop fussing, if you just ask, your man will jump to it! He's not a mind reader you know" (slight paraphrase but not much, he's kind of wordy but that was the gist).

Nicely illustrates the sheer cluelessness and arrogance the writer is talking about though, doesn't it?

It generally plays out the same way with my husband. If I wait for him to notice a routine task, I will wait forever. If I point it out, he'll get to it "after I've done this other thing". He won't get to it. I'll remind him. He'll tell me I'm impatient (it does not matter how long I waited to remind him for - could be a year, but it'll still be too soon). I'll tell him to JFDI because I'm not having the conversation again. He will embark on the task, but be unable to complete it without asking me numerous questions, rather than just figuring the fucking thing out for himself the way I have to do. It will take three or four times as long to do it as I could have done it in, and may or may not be finished to a reasonable standard (by "reasonable" I mean finished at all, like if it was washing up that the plates don't have food still on them. If it's DIY, that there are not electrical wires hanging out of the wall. Pointing any of this out will mean I'm scolded for my "impossibly" high standards).

And yet, apparently, if I do anything other than bite my tongue, smile sweetly, wait it out, then praise him for finishing it, I'm getting stroppy for no reason?

We've tried lists a few times. I make the lists and then I just have a written record of things to "nag" about as civilisations rise and fall waiting for him to get his fucking finger out. Meh.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/05/2017 15:57

Blazed not to put down your husband in any way, but your 'I'm lucky' statement reminder me of 'A Man Who Has It All' on twitter.

He often tweets in the lines of: 'My wife helps me with night time nappy changes, and even puts the laundry on. I'm so lucky! John, 32, busy father of 2'.

Sounds somehow different when the roles are reversed..

theshitcollector · 22/05/2017 16:13

PoochSmooch- isn't this exactly why wives are stereotyped as 'nagging'.

PoochSmooch · 22/05/2017 16:37

Exactly, theshitcollector (your name could be made for this thread!)

Sort of still on topic, but I'm not a fan of that article that does the rounds here about a man saying that his wife left him for leaving his coffee cup on the side. Everyone seems to think he has somehow "got it" and understands what wifework is, but when I read it I only see someone trying to game something that he thinks is fundamentally irrelevant in order to stop his wife leaving him. It seemed to me that he still thought the domestic burden is a woman's responsibility that a canny man will step up to help with so she doesn't kick him to the curb. I think he's gunning for praise from the same wellspring that is supposed to award men medals for hoovering - "Oh, he totally gets it, isn't he simply marvelous?"

stuntcamel · 22/05/2017 17:59

If I hear the following:

"What needs doing?"
or "I did... insert random minor task here ...for you"
or "What time does the bank shut today?" (his bank not mine)
or "Do we need any milk?"(when he is in the kitchen and I am upstairs, even, on one memorable occasion, at work)
or "Are we doing anything on ... date?"
or "Have we got any birthday cards?"

I swear I shan't be responsible for my actions...

Msqueen33 · 22/05/2017 18:24

I find it unbelievably frustrating. I feel like I'm managing four kids. Dh asked me the other day what they should have for lunch. Que me muttering 'for fuck sake' under my breath.

Dh was raised by his single mum and she did everything for him and he never lived alone. Should have been a red flag.

Her0utdoors · 22/05/2017 19:00

Wish I had the mental energy to write a more coherent reply to this.
It's just so bloody unsexy having my brain used up by this stuff. I'd love a better sex life, but every time my dh asks me how to make porridge/ where the paracetamol are/ have I seen his trousers ,my vagina seals over that bit more. I've masterbated once since we met because my own erotic life has been pushed so far down my to do list and he users this as an example of my low sex drive. No, I'm just fucking done in

qumquat · 22/05/2017 19:13

My XP was never like this. I have a strange reaction to these kind of things because they make me feel incredibly guilty for splitting up with him, and worried that there is no way I could ever find another man like him. Everyone else seems to recognise it but I really don't. I really wish I fancied him! (And a part of me worries if the not fancying and him being a fantastic guy are connected and then I feel even more guilty). Anyway, I know an excellent man who genuinely gets all this if anyone is interested!

Mermaidinthesea123 · 22/05/2017 19:21

My husband left a while back and my life is so easy now. The house is no longer a pig sty, there is no longer grease everywhere, the carpets are always clean and the garden is immaculate.
I don't know how I stuck it for so long.
I come back from work, make myself dinner and put things in the dishwasher, I don't come home and find utter carnage, the toilet seats up amd piss on the floor.
i don't want another husband thanks as I am very reluctant to be a slivvy again with double/triple my current workload.

starsinyourpies · 22/05/2017 19:37

'DH is a hands-on Dad'. Anyone ever been called a hands-on Mum? Can't say I have. Another fucking pat on the back from society for Dads who occasionally manage to take their DC to the park.

TheChineseChicken · 22/05/2017 19:42

I have this argument with my mum all the time - she tells me how good DH is and that I'm lucky. I shouldn't have to feel lucky that he helps around the house and with our DD! I doubt he has ever been told he's lucky because I do household chores and take care of our baby...

Malermalergoni · 22/05/2017 19:50

I don't really like this cartoon, it makes me feel inferior! I do not think in the way of supposedly every other female on the planet! My head is not filled with all these high standards I'm supposed to have?

Msqueen33 · 22/05/2017 19:52

I imagine some women don't mind. I do mind. I mind doing the boring drudge that means our house isn't a shit tip. Dh can't be bothered so doesn't do it.

PoochSmooch · 22/05/2017 20:08

I'm interested in what you think the high standards are Malermalergoni? It all just seems like basic stuff about keeping a family fed, clothed, clean and functional to me - it's not saying you need to be scrubbing your grout with a toothbrush every day. Not sure why it should make anyone feel inferior.

MoonriseKingdom · 22/05/2017 20:10

malermalergoni - I don't think I have particularly high standards. It's about all the basic stuff that goes on so that we don't drown in a sea of dirty dishes/ clothes, the kids have something healthy to eat, we don't run out of nappies. It's all the thinking that goes into juggling these tasks while simultaneously doing the bulk of the childcare while many men live like they did pre kids. I think having children is the point at which a lot of women realise their relationship is not as equal as they might have thought.

OP posts:
MsAwesomeDragon · 22/05/2017 20:18

I have fairly low standards in terms of housework, and I'm a shit cook, so dh does those bits. I do most of the childcare and household admin. I'd say we're pretty equal, even in terms of mental load, we just keep track of different things (he has to write me a list if I'm doing the food shopping, but has no idea what size clothes/shoes dd needs)

My friend told me today that I am living the life of Riley because I don't have to cook and do all the housework. I don't live the life of Riley, I'm doing my share, it's men like her husband who are living the life of Riley because they aren't just getting on with it and doing their share of running the household.

Malermalergoni · 22/05/2017 20:27

Yes I think maybe I just don't have experience of this. I do my best and a a lazily efficient system has evolved out of my desire to indulge my creative passion (and work). But the mental work I'm sure is 50/50, because I must confess my mind is often totally preoccupied with what I'm working on, not domestic stuff. I'd give myself a medal if I noticed someone had left a towel on the floor AND I remembered to pick it up! I guess this is because I grew up with the same dynamic in my parents house, and grandparents. But if my husband hasn't done his share I don't feel embarrassed by it, or run around trying to fix his errors.
If a guest comes round for dinner and I'm struggling to feed kids and make dinner, I ask for help. I'm not trying to be superwoman, ever.

Kurtiz · 22/05/2017 20:40

I do most of the house work because I'm part time so that seems fair. My husband also does stuff when needed, though he literally wouldn't think of some things, as pp said, invisible jobs. But one thing that really grinds my gears is that any time he has the kids alone for a few hours, the house is (to me maybe) a tip. He seems to completely separate looking after them and sorting out other stuff. So there will be bottles lying around (as though hastily abandoned in an emergency - there never is one) yesterdays dishes still sitting and clothes lying around the room. I sort that stuff as I go, every day that I'm not at work. If I took the same approach as him each day, we would live in a hovel. Its frustrating, but I sometimes feel like it should just be tolerated because, hey, at least it means I get some time away and he's always happy to give me that. But its still really annoying.

Kurtiz · 22/05/2017 20:44

Bottles of milk I should clarify!

Malermalergoni · 22/05/2017 20:47

But the interesting thing on here is that everyone accepts that all the women are inherently organised, with the men being naturally much messier/less organised/irresponsible even. I just think I was born without this female trait. My dh got my share! It's like one more thing that women are expected to 'be'. And my house is tidy btw!

Malermalergoni · 22/05/2017 20:48

*tidy enough for my masculine standards ;)

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