Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

How is this ok? For anyone involved.

68 replies

dollywobbles · 25/02/2017 00:33

This evening I went out for a few drinks with some female friends.
So far so normal. However, at the end of the evening, as we were all leaving the pub, the landlord called out to 6 of us 'make sure you get this one home safely'. He had his arm around the 7th member of the group. I said ' really? You're asking all of us to make sure one of us gets home safely?' He said 'she tries to walk home the long way and it's not safe'.
She is a 37 year old adult. Landlord has no idea where anyone else lives.
I was properly enraged by this, as were a few of the others (all of the others after we all discussed it), the suggestion we should protect one of our number, but not the others, from (I assume) being attacked by men.
It's ridiculous, infuriating and so bizarre: if she's at threat, how are the rest of us safe?
Even when I said how weird what he was suggesting was, the landlord showed zero recognition.
It's just a normal event isn't it?
Made me so angry.

OP posts:
JaxingJump · 25/02/2017 00:34

I must be tired but I don't understand.

pieceofpurplesky · 25/02/2017 00:39

Why? He clearly knows where the woman lives and that she walks home alone sometimes. He asked a group of people to make sure she was safe.
I think he sounds like someone who cares .... attacks do happen and it is pretty much common sense. You say he doesn't know where the rest of you live - but he knows where she did.
I despair at the world sometimes Hmm

Badcat666 · 25/02/2017 00:43

What the actual fuck? Was she in your group of friends?

If so what's the problem?

Are you pissed off because he was more concerned for her safety than you were?

If she was a friend have a good hard look in the mirror at yourself. Friends, no matter what sex they are meant to look out for each other, even if it means going out your way to make sure they get home safe. If you can't be fucked with looking after a mate who has had too much too drink and tries to walk the long way home, you are a shitty friend. Nothing to do with feminism, just a shitty friend.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 25/02/2017 01:14

I must be tired but I don't understand

Me neither.

wafflyversatile · 25/02/2017 01:18

Also confused. Is there something missing from your post?

Plunkette · 25/02/2017 01:20

It's not clear what the issue is from your OP?

Was the 7th woman more drunk? Younger? Prettier? What are you objecting to?

I presume a group of friends would always look out for each other?

He presumably must know where she lives and that she walks otherwise why would he say that?

GreyStars · 25/02/2017 01:24

So the landlord showed concerned for a persons safety, who presumably had been drinking and you take offence at this?

He likely showed no recognition to your enraged (your words) comment as like the posters before me, he was surprised six people would leave another one to walk home alone.

piginboots · 25/02/2017 01:32

I really don't get this!

DPotter · 25/02/2017 01:36

The only reason I could see for you be 'enraged' about this 'situation', is if you found it insulting that the landlord assumed you would not look after your friend and made sure she got home safely. However that's not the vibe I'm getting from your post. There's no presumption about being attacked by men; if she was the worse for wear, he could have been just as concerned at her possibly falling over or getting lost.

I really don't know why you are so 'enraged' and 'angry' at his intervention. Could perfectly understand anger at a world where women are unsafe to walk home alone at night (or men for that matter) but not at someone asking you to take care of a friend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2017 01:37

Your outrage would make sense in a perfect world where there are no male predators out there. But it's not a perfect world, and your pub landlord was trying to do the best for one of his punters who he felt would be at risk from said male predators who are out there.

Of course, he could have just called a cab and put her in it himself, but as you say, he didn't know where any of you live, so he asked YOU, her friends, to do it. You could, of course, have just said "none of us live near her, she'll need a cab" instead of going off on a rant that realistically makes no sense to anyone - he would have understood that none of you lived near her and therefore would be unable to walk her home.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2017 01:41

Reading your OP again, I'm thinking that maybe I've misunderstood - your outrage is because he was only concerned for the safety of ONE of you, and not the rest? Is that it? Maybe she was the drunkest, maybe he knows that her way home is risky if she walks it by herself, maybe he thought you were leaving without her - all reasonable, you know! I doubt he meant that one of your group should walk her home all by yourself, and then take extra risk by walking back alone!

GirlOverboard · 25/02/2017 03:11

What a strange post. He's concerned about your friend because he knows she often takes an unsafe route home. He's banking on the fact that her friends will be more sensible and ensure she gets home safely (e.g. by taking a taxi rather than walking). He's less concerned for the rest of you because he has no reason to think you might be putting yourself in danger.

And '37 year old adult' or not, anyone can get into trouble when walking home after a night out - male or female, young or old. I hope you did the decent thing and made sure she got home OK? Just look at the awful news today about Steven Cook and it shows how important it is for friends to stick together and look out for each other after a night out.

Wishforsnow · 25/02/2017 03:14

Wow a landlord actually cares you friend who has been drinking gets home safely. What was he thinkingConfused

MrRiddle0 · 25/02/2017 03:19

What the landlord said is fine your really taking too seriously he is just concerned about her safety he's not saying the rest of you could die for all he cares. Simply make sure she gets home. Maybe you were enraged because you were drunk, just a thought.

user1477282676 · 25/02/2017 03:19

Is she particularly attractive? Is that why you're angry? As though he's judged her on her looks alone and dismissed the rest of you as "unflatteringly safe"

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 25/02/2017 03:28

I'm hoping the OP once sober realises this isn't a feminist issue, just someone being caring. I feel sorry for the poor landlord and hope there's more as caring as him out there

TheSparrowhawk · 25/02/2017 09:01

This would really annoy me too, for a few reasons:
It's extremely unlikely he would patronisingly put his arm around a man and tell his friends to keep him safe, even though men are in much more danger of being assaulted/having an accident while drunk. Men assume though that they can tell women what to do, they just leave men alone.
Again, despite the fact that men are much more likely to come a cropper while drunk, women are always the ones told that they are responsible for each others' safety. I have never seen a police campaign advising men to stick together or watch out for each other.
The effect of advising women to watch out for each other is twofold: 1) it reminds women that they are in danger, that men can do as they please and walk home (despite being in much more danger) but women can't, women have to restrict themselves 2) If a women does end up assaulted/injured/lost, her women friends should feel responsible for it.
And finally, I would bet large sums of money that if the OP had asked the landlord why she and her friends should protect the woman, he would have alluded to it not being safe but he wouldn't have specified the fact that men are a threat. Men like to remind women they're not safe but they absolutely do not like any reference made to the fact that the biggest threat women face is men. Stating that a man is likely to be the biggest cause of a woman not being safe is man-hating of course. We can remind women they're not safe, and give other women the duty of preventing men from attacking but we can't actually talk about the real problem.

When 85000+ women are raped by men a year and 2 women are killed by men a well, it is absolutely galling for a man to stand there and advise women on safety. Women know they're not safe but men don't want to actually do anything about it beyond dispensing advice. For women to stand there and take that advice and call it 'caring' is even more fucking galling. We've really accepted our lot in life eh?

TheSparrowhawk · 25/02/2017 09:03

2 women are killed by men a week

dudsville · 25/02/2017 09:26

I like your post sparrowhawk, well said. Yes, in the moment perhaps this one friend seemed more vulnerable to this guy, but the context you've added here is important.

Datun · 25/02/2017 09:29

TheSparrowhawk

I agree with what you have said. However, I don't think I would be outraged. I might be a bit depressed by what has led the landlord to have this 'knowledge'. But he wasn't talking from a philosophical, ethical or feminist point of view. He was operating within the confines of what does happen, rather than what should happen.

TheSparrowhawk · 25/02/2017 09:35

Datun, do you reckon he would have given the same advice to a bunch of men?

TheSparrowhawk · 25/02/2017 09:38

Also, Datun, do you think there is any women in the world who needs to be advised by a man about how dangerous the world is for women? Do you think his advice was actually necessary?

Badcat666 · 25/02/2017 09:44

So a poster finds it galling that other posters think that friends should look out for each other? Now I've heard everything.

So being a feminist means leaving a drunk friend to walk the long way home?

I have looked after friends who have had too much to drink, both female and male, and on occasion someone else has pointed out they needed to get home ok. Did I get offended? No we thanked them and made sure we all got the same taxi or ordered a cab for them. Not rocket science. To get offended that another human being was concerned about a member of your group is rather sad and and says more about the op than the landlord.

When did feminism mean you suddenly get offended and pissy at someone who is more concerned about your friends welfare than you are? Was it because it was a man that pointed this out and it offended the op that a male noticed the state the friend was in? If so get a grip. Be glad at least someone was concerned for them.

Again it's nothing to do with feminism, it's about being a decent human being and looking after a friend. For all we know she may walk along a river or stream or by a busy road, both killers if you trip and fall.

Trills · 25/02/2017 09:47

It feels very possessive, doesn't it?

Putting arm around, telling you to look after her. He may as well have said "look after my girl".

museumum · 25/02/2017 09:49

It sounds odd but it also sounds like the landlord had a closer relationship with this one than the rest of you. He knew where she lived and what way she walked home usually.
It is patronising to her that he asked you all to watch out for her but it would have been even more so if he'd assumed you being women couldn't do so.

Swipe left for the next trending thread