Anyone know of any stats on name changing after marriage?

[anotheronebitthedust]

I'm at the age (28) when facebook suddenly makes the change from photos of nights out to endless wedding albums - but scrolling through it today I suddenly realised that pretty much every single woman close to my age I have as a 'friend' on fb has changed their name after their wedding. Not most, not even almost all - every single one!

Most of these friends are from school/uni/work/travelling so are within 2-3 years of my age, some left school at 16 but majority have at least a degree, lots with masters, post grads, etc. They come from, and now live, all over the UK, so some still in the smallish town I grew up in but many others from all over the place. Several either have previously, or currently do, live abroad. So a fairly wide spectrum of my age group.

It really surprised me. When I was in my late teens I thought it was getting more and more common a) not to marry at all in a ltr and b) not to take the husband's name. However in the last few years it seems like both trends have completely reversed and I wondered if anyone knew of any stats that back up if my personal experience is/isn't reflective of the UK generally.

I'm not necessarily bothered by it - although some of the reasons I had from the friends I asked about it did make me ) I would imagine most of them have made reasoned decisions why they name changed and are happy with it. It just struck me that if it was a true choice, then the likelihood would be that not everybody would happen to make the same choice and that therefore, for whatever reason, perhaps it isn't as much of an actual choice... - I know this is incredibly badly expressed but hope you get the gist of what I mean!

It astonishes me how many women seem to sleepwalk into this. I have always known that I didn't intend to change my name on marriage, and I think it would have been a dealbreaker if he had tried to insist. But almost all the women I know have taken their husband's surname or used it for their children if unmarried.

I can only think that when one is planning a wedding one gets so carried away tucking all the "tradition" boxes that one loses the use of one's wits a bit.

There are no gatekeepers as such, but there are feminist concepts and definitions; otherwise feminism would have no meaning at all.

Sometimes people may point out that a particular choice someone has made is not a feminist choice. I am a die-hard second wave feminist, but I have made some choices all through my life that are not feminist choices, just as I have made some avowedly feminist choices, like keeping my own name when I married. I think most all feminists would say that.

I got married in August 2015 and didn't change my surname. My husband knew from early on I wouldn't and while he was disappointed he accepted it and it's no issue. I'm pregnant now and our little one will have his surname which we discussed together. He asked me if it could be his name (our names are too long to double barrel which would have been my ideal) and I agreed. Just me and one other female I know on my Facebook list didn't change our names when we got married. My reasons are purely down to equality of the sexes and that I love my surname.

The one thing that really annoys me if that I still get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs XX from people who know I didn't change my surname. The other is the wife of my husbands friend has asked me about three times what the surname of our children will be....when she already knows. People!

Posters aren't gatekeeping feminism.

They are disagreeing with you.

High profile Labour Party members have used private education.

That means they made a non-socialist choice, which they may well have made consciously and with significant thought. It doesn't mean they no longer are labour.

"I always consider myself to be a feminist, everywhere apart from on MN, where I am a sheep who makes non/anti-feminist choices."

Nope.nyou are a feminist who on occasion makes non/anti feminist choices. Like most of us.

I don't judge any of my friends (or anyone) individually - how could I when I have no idea of the reasons why they decided to name change, and even if I did, who am I to decide how valid their personal feelings are?

What I was interested in was the collective uniformity of the name changing - as WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es expressed more coherently than me, if it was truly a free, unhindered, choice with no social or cultural weight or background then realistically you would expect at least half of women not to change their names, if not more - as 'changing' is the active choice that involves making quite a bit of effort, whereas just keeping the same name is passive, and easier!

Thanks to Hilary for providing some stats - they support what I thought was the case, so perhaps my group of acquaintances do buck the trend, for whatever reason. Although the only 54% name-changers in the most recent survey seems very low - having a closer look at it it seems the answers are based on only just over 1000 participants, all of whom decided to respond to the question on the Discourses of Marriage Research Group blog - so perhaps a self-selecting, not full representative demograph? Still very interesting though, and I did like that quote by Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

I didn't change my name when I got married. This caused a very small issue on my actual wedding day when I pointed out (very, very politely) that I was still Ms myName not Mrs hisName. Mil had as much of an argument as she could with me about it over the wedding dinner. Her dh thought it was hilarious that I turned every argument back on her so in the end she almost agreed that it was disgusting that dh wasn't taking my name.

I've had all sorts of people asking what my "real" name is and wanting to know if i use my married name for personal things even though they know I haven't changed it at all.

I actually don't mind getting cards addressed to Mr and Mrs hisName, because we get a fairly equal number of cards addressed to Ms and Mr myName (because my extended family can't remember his name)

My ex husband changed his name to mine and our son has my (our ) name, it was very simple. I would say I am a feminist however I use Miss if I have to use a title (I really would prefer to not use a title) possibly Miss is not the correct title but I do not like Ms and I really dislike Mrs and wish titles were made away with. I have had surprisingly little negative comments about this.

I was going to keep mine

And then dh said we could change to a brand new one

Then his dad went mental

And then dh changed his mind

And then i thought that if he died i would want our future children to have something of his

So i changed my name

For what its worth i was 19 when i decided all this and it was 26 years ago so keeping your name wasn't as common ( and yes i know that women still kept their name...it just wasn't as common)

If i got divorced i would probably take my old name back, if i was remarried i would probably keep my old name. I would not mind if any of my children changed their names although it is not suited to double barreled (otherwise i would have done it when we got married)

Not an excuse, not rational but the question was asked and thats my answer

I took my husband's name on marriage, I wanted to, why is that a problem?

It's a problem because it was selfish of you to just ehat you pleased when presumably he wanted tontake your name just as much?

Why did you deny him that pleasure and keep it all for yourself?

Interesting thread this one!! I see where you're coming from OP as there does seem to be more women taking their husbands name. However I do know 3 couples where both him & her have double barrelled & are both 'The X-Y's'

I'm recently married & have taken a DH's name. I was previously divorced & kept my maiden name as a middle name after that marriage as at the time as I felt I didn't want to let go of my name.

This time I took DH's name purely because I wanted to, we have a DD who is 3 & I like that we all have the same surname. There was no 'bollocks' that we would have problems having different names - we've managed fine for 3 years with different ones - I just like that now we are 'The X's'

I still kind of in mourning of my unusual maiden name though & have ended up with a downright common surname but hey ho!

Why hey ho?

Why didn't you give your daughter the better surname?

A distinctive name has a significant advantage these days.

You had two names to pick from and you picked the worse one.

Why?

I know a couple who got married in their 50s, where she'd been married before and was still going around with her married name. Neither of them thought that was right if they were married, but they didn't think Mrs Hisname was right either. So as of the wedding day, she went back to her original name, and apparently everyone's happy.

Doinitfine, his name is actually much easier to spell than mine so I was happy to change. Couldn't wait in fact. If mine had been easier then maybe he'd have changed to mine.

We are quite a feminist/gender-reversed family, I work, he's a SAHD, I make a lot of the family decisions, so I hardly think if i wanted to keep my name he'd have stood in my way (don't think he even knows how to stand in my way).

Funny that Doinit mourns her unusual maiden name whereas I couldn't wait to exchange it for a more common one.

Ah, the sheer bliss of not having to spell my name phonetically down the phone three or four times every time I speak to anyone has to be experienced to be believed.

I changed my name because it is virtually impossible to travel with the children if we all have different names (to the country I come from). I can't change the government systems at force here so to make it painless for everyone, I changed my name.

I divorced exh and haven't changed my name back to my maiden name for the same reason. I will wait till the dcs are 18 (only a few years off). Even though I am divorced, I am supposed to get an affidavit and a court order saying I can take the children abroad without exh but I don't bother as no-one questions it as our surnames are the same.

That's my reason :)

I changed my name because i wanted to, i didn't even consider not changing it.

Of my social group i'd say the same as OP the majority have changed their names to their husbands, i also have one friend who retained her surname but refers to herself as Mrs.

I don't see an issue in whatever choice people make as long as it's made freely.

"Ah, the sheer bliss of not having to spell my name phonetically down the phone three or four times every time I speak to anyone has to be experienced to be believed."

Could we have that on hard repeat on the Baby Names board, please?

Not one reason given on this thread for changing name upon marriage is legitimate until there are equivalent conversations amongst men about why they changed their surnames to their wives' upon marriage. Any reason given would only be valid if as many men as women changed their surnames when marrying. There is absolutely no reason why men shouldn't change theirs other than patriarchy and entrenched sexist attitudes. My mum changed her name when she married and I've pressed her on it a few times, her reasons are the usual ones, not one of them doesn't stem from sexism.

I'm 16, but if I ever marry my hypothetical future husband would definitely take my surname.

Hi IamAmy why not just both keep your surnames? No changing required by anyone!

I like the fact that there are so many points of view on this. (I wish people weren't so defensive and outraged, though. It's a big deal but you catch more flies with honey...)

Around the world there are many different naming systems. Once you realise it's a arbitrary thing that has been co-opted and shaped in our culture by the patriarchy, that's quite liberating. Do as you please! The 'husband's father's name' model is toxic to some and just as liberating to others. I think we can all live with that?

The main thing I'd say, on the experience of friends, is don't publish in your name if you want to be known otherwise at a later point. It aint worf the hassle of a double life.

Sad when people can't comprehend that doing something because it's what you want to do it is pretty much the best, if not only reason to do something. If others choices aren't for you that's ok you don't need to agree but to pass judgement on decisions that are not yours to make is narrow minded imho.

IamNotDarling whilst I agree the woman and the man each keeping their surname is ideal, I'd insist on the man taking my surname if I ever marry as I'd want to go some small way to redressing the balance of so many women changing their surnames, often being pressured into doing so by their fiancés (as some even on this thread have alluded to). I think it's about time men started taking women's names if having the same surname upon marriage is so important!