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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Anyone know of any stats on name changing after marriage?

155 replies

anotheronebitthedust · 30/10/2016 17:26

I'm at the age (28) when facebook suddenly makes the change from photos of nights out to endless wedding albums Smile - but scrolling through it today I suddenly realised that pretty much every single woman close to my age I have as a 'friend' on fb has changed their name after their wedding. Not most, not even almost all - every single one!

Most of these friends are from school/uni/work/travelling so are within 2-3 years of my age, some left school at 16 but majority have at least a degree, lots with masters, post grads, etc. They come from, and now live, all over the UK, so some still in the smallish town I grew up in but many others from all over the place. Several either have previously, or currently do, live abroad. So a fairly wide spectrum of my age group.

It really surprised me. When I was in my late teens I thought it was getting more and more common a) not to marry at all in a ltr and b) not to take the husband's name. However in the last few years it seems like both trends have completely reversed and I wondered if anyone knew of any stats that back up if my personal experience is/isn't reflective of the UK generally.

I'm not necessarily bothered by it - although some of the reasons I had from the friends I asked about it did make me Hmm) I would imagine most of them have made reasoned decisions why they name changed and are happy with it. It just struck me that if it was a true choice, then the likelihood would be that not everybody would happen to make the same choice and that therefore, for whatever reason, perhaps it isn't as much of an actual choice... - I know this is incredibly badly expressed but hope you get the gist of what I mean!

OP posts:
Lebranic · 31/10/2016 09:48

I pretend it's a stance but really I'm just too lazy to go through all the hassle of changing mine.

PatMullins · 31/10/2016 09:49

I'll change mine because I don't want my father's. He's a knob.

Twoevils · 31/10/2016 09:49

My SIL expressed real surprise that I kept my name. She actually believed it was compulsory to change, like a law or something!

Kidnapped · 31/10/2016 09:50

"Because it's daughters that are still in the position of having to make a surname choice!"

Leslie, don't you think we should be thinking why that is, though? If it were split 50:50 between men changing their names on marriage and women changing their names on marriage, then it wouldn't just be daughters who were in the position of having to make the surname choice. Our sons would also be in that position. It would be more equal.

BertrandRussell · 31/10/2016 09:54

"changed my name on marriage for the apparently 'bollocks' reason that when we have children I would like us all to have the same surname. Does anyone have a suggestion to what I could have done instead of changing my name?"

Used your name for everybody?
Hyphenated?
Made a new name for everybody?

buckyou · 31/10/2016 09:54

Maybe they just want to. Because they are proud to be married to that person?

I didn't change my name. Seems a strange thing to do.Worth it just to piss my MIL off. Grin

BertrandRussell · 31/10/2016 09:56

Sorry- hadn'5 read the thread properly- all that's been said.

DoinItFine · 31/10/2016 09:56

Because it's daughters that are still in the position of having to make a surname choice!

How is that?

Are you saying that men get no say in how their children are named?

That they have no option to change their own names upon marriage?

You describe a decision that was made by you and your husband.

But you think this is only an issue for daughters?

Your desperation to discard your birth name and brook no possibility of anything other than being branded fully as wife was your choice.

This thread is about how shit it is that so many women are making such a sexist choice.

Even when some of them are marrying men who have less sexist views, such as yourself.

My2centsworth · 31/10/2016 09:57

Doing my surname came from my father, this is the absolute definition of patriarchy to me. Being recognised as being my father's daughter by his surname. This thread is highlighting how we have not all moved on from taking on our husband's name to some perceived better scenario where we hold onto our father's name. It is just another part of the same coin to me.

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:08

I'm with you my2cents. If it's sexist to take your husband's, it's sexist to keep your dad's. How on earth is your family name more "your" name? Do what you like, but unless you invent a new name you are perpetuating the issue you are worried about.
I changed to DH name when DS was born. Still use both. Am not worried about my feminist credentials in any way and certainly will not criticise anyone for doing a patriarchal name swap.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 31/10/2016 10:09

If it's so vitally important that all the family have the same name what happens when a name changer with children divorces and remarries?

If you take new husband's surname then presumably the children of the first marriage have a different surname? Or do you keep your former surname?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 31/10/2016 10:11

How on earth is your family name more "your" name

Oh for goodness sake, head meet brick wall. How on earth is the name on your birth certificate not your name?

DoinItFine · 31/10/2016 10:11

The solution to not wanting your father's surname because of its patriarchal connotations cannot be to take your husband's name and use it for your childre.

If your birth name offends you because it is a man's name, you are free to change it at any point.

I can quite see why you might choose to.

But if you wait until you get married, and then coincidentally just happen to want to change it to your husband's name, then I am calling bullshit.

Kidnapped · 31/10/2016 10:15

Do men own all surnames? At what point does a woman have her own surname? At what point does a man have his own surname?

If he only got it from his dad then it isn't really his either, surely? And if it isn't really his then surely he should be happy to give it up for his future wife's name?

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:15

My birth certificate name is not my name!! I don't have "my" name.

HillaryFTW · 31/10/2016 10:16

"How on earth is your family name more "your" name? "

Because it's the one you've had for 20-40 years before you marry?

Your parents chose your first name, don't you think of that as yours?

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:19

Yes they chose my first name so that's mine. Happy with that. All of our family names have been decided by men unless we choose new ones.

Kidnapped · 31/10/2016 10:22

It is this internalised notion that women's identities come from their father which must be transferred to their husband on marriage.

Whereas men have their own identities which are never ever subsumed into someone else's.

If I have two children called Laura and Peter Jones then Laura's surname comes from her father so she might as well change it when she gets married. Peter's surname comes from his father also so but this time, because of the presence of a penis, it is actually Peter's real surname and he should not change.

There is no logic to it.

HillaryFTW · 31/10/2016 10:22

And the only way that stops is women deciding to keep and pass on their names.

Do you feel your husband's surname is "his" ?

Incidentally, Brewster is an example of a name that came from a female who made beer; not all names from the dawn of time have come from men.

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:27

Good point Kidnapped.

I never feel like my DH surname. In fact with his family I often point out that I am not a ---- . Not in an unkind way, just when they try to feed me huge portions. Unfortunately I did not get my in laws metabolism when I married in.

My2centsworth · 31/10/2016 10:30

My surname and my husband's both start with a Mc (mac the Irish for son of) so there is an immediate connotation back up to the father. The female version of mac is nic which means daughter of has been dropped in English. Do I see my husband's name relating to his father's yes absolutely.

DoinItFine · 31/10/2016 10:31

All of our family names have been decided by men unless we choose new ones.

All of whose? That is so obviously untrue I don't now why anyone would bother typing it.

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:35

I don't know anyone who hadn't inherited a family name from a male ancestor. That's what I mean DoinIt. Unless they are a child from a newly invented name relationship.

HillaryFTW · 31/10/2016 10:38

So once upon a time someone in your family tree was son of a Donald and someone in his of a Dougal, say?

Presumably said Dougals and Donalds are long dead, as were the blacksmiths and barrel makers who gave rise to Smith and Cooper?

How do such ancestors make a woman's surname not hers?

MuchasSmoochas · 31/10/2016 10:40

I think they might feel like it was their name but the name itself will have been imposed on them by a male.