Trans issue affecting my relationship with DD

[buckingfrolicks]

My DD is 18 lives at home and has a boyfriend

I am old school feminist and brought her up to be strong independent and confident. All of which she is. She's been a vocal feminist at shook and is very switched on to equality issues generally. All good

We started to differ about the politics of trans/feminism a year or so ago. Lots of difficult but interesting thought provoking conversations followed. I ended up asking her not to call me cis for example. She and I are on the opposite sides of the table when it comes to trans issues.

I'm lost. I need a way to manage my feelings. I adore her and am so proud of her and she knows it

Today she posted a massive critical lecture to and of me on my FB page where I had linked to an article about the Green Party's use of "non-man". I have deleted my FB account and feel utterly humiliated. She didn't mean to upset me she is terribly sorry

But I need help in managing this growing point of difference. And to not put her in the feminist-hating camp. Because she is a feminist! But she and I seem to both fulfil the stereotype of the "other" viewpoint for each other. When we talk it's not too bad we find points of agreement but oh did it hurt being publicly lectured by my DD about cis bigotry and spreading of hate.

I have no idea where to post this.

This situation must be very upsetting for you op, I'd say just hold fast, stand firm and breathe deeply and realise that quite possibly your daughter is well on the way to becoming the proud feminist that you've raised.
All this shit is not personal, it must feel that way but she's finding her own way in the world. She's your daughter and if you can still communicate in real life, then that's good.
The cis affix is extraordinarily insulting., I'm struggling to articulate why it's so very insulting. I'm a woman, I don't need an additional word. Woman is good enough.

Her developing an interest in transfeminism is in some ways a development of the excellent grounding in what you call old school feminism. She is responding to the ever-deepening and changing world of gender around her. She was unthinking to criticise you on Facebook and it's natural to be hurt by this. YOung people often don't think about the full implications of their actions. It sound s like you have an excellent relationship though. If you want to read more about trans issues I found The transgender Studies reader by Susan Stryker and Stephen Whittle very useful. Perhaps if you read that or ask her what she suggests you read, and you offer her an old school text she hasn't read you will find out more from each other. Good luck!

I would not recommend the writings of Susan Stryker, Stephen Whittle or any other transactivist, as she is already surrounded by trans propaganda at school or university and in the media. Would she look at Fairplayforwomen.com, or womansplaceuk.org, or Transgendertrend.com with an open mind? Maybe you just have to wait for her to grow out of it.

@rb67

She will have been taught it at school, its a new orthodoxy and if you challenge it are compared to being a racist. That's why young people get so confused by it. My daughters grew out of it.

This I was in this position with my dtr until a couple of months ago. She now tells me it is an orthodoxy where if you dissent you risk being ostracised, called a bigot etc. She told me that she is even scared about future job prospects if she discusses on a public platform. With her group of friends it really does boil down to being kind. There is no scrutiny of the wider issues. I feel for you op. A couple of months ago I felt very despondent but now my dtr has confided that she agrees with everything gc posters on this forum say, I feel hopeful that slowly slowly this tanker will turn.

Today she posted a massive critical lecture to and of me on my FB page where I had linked to an article about the Green Party's use of "non-man". I have deleted my FB account and feel utterly humiliated. She didn't mean to upset me she is terribly sorry

I know she's your daughter but she sounds like an asshole. I wouldn't dream of posting anything like this to my mum on Facebook even when I was younger than 18.

But.....she is very young. Quite frankly, at that age I hadn't seen enough shit myself either, but by the age of 30 she most likely will have (unfortunately). She will learn that women suffer abuse because of their bodies, because men direct it towards biological women. It's kind of important. Abusers don't give a fuck about what you identify as or what your feelings are - they abuse and harassed based on your physical body and what they think you are.

Also, this is very much a phenomenon I have seen myself with women - they find it easier to feel protective over other people than themselves. The seem to want to, or be expected to nurture everyone else first. Nobody wants to be seen as 'nasty' or 'not inclusive' in those circles, god forbid. The hardest thing to do for a young woman that age is to actually look out for her own interests, and as that sometimes comes into conflict with other marginalised groups, it presents a problem and so it's simply easier, and looks more noble to wave someone else's flag other than your own.

Tell her to read 1984 if she hadn't done already. Beyond that I wouldn't argue anymore with her about it - she'll have to find out the hard way what it is to be woman and why you have the views you do. Don't push it too hard because if you do, it might push her away or solidify her opinions further. The only thing you can do is ask her not to refer to you as a CIS woman.