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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why do men do this?

114 replies

TooOldForGlitter · 23/11/2015 00:25

Of course, NAM, but really, why? It's 7.40 Saturday morning. A new nursery is being built down the road and its on my dog walking path. I walk by and there are two vans parked up on the pavement, clearly blokes about to start work on the new nursery. They just do this thing when they see you coming down the road and start to stare. As if to see if you'll look away first, or get your 'phone out and pretend to be on the phone. Its as if they don't want you to feel like you can walk down a pavement without feeling uncomfortable. I'm not going to go into all the minute things they do I think I'm just saying, I'm not alone in seeing and feeling this am I?

OP posts:
PlaysWellWithOthers · 23/11/2015 11:23

Exactly Green.

Humans are really good at being able to judge threats, or at least to err on the side of caution. Nothing man hating about that, is there?

Cracking a smile when your spidey senses are tingling makes the smile look false and forced, making your fear really obvious. Better to get your head down and keep walking on those cases.

Conflating understanding the difference between stances used by certain types of men in order to intimidate woman and someone who will wish you a cheery good morning with hating men is a pretty lazy way to discuss this. If a woman says she felt threatened by something, then I for one, will believe her.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 23/11/2015 11:24

A smile costs nothing.

Bollocks.

NeverEverAnythingEver · 23/11/2015 11:27

"A smile costs nothing."

Seriously?

howtorebuild · 23/11/2015 11:27

Plays, that is exactly it, instincts should be listened to.

NameChange30 · 23/11/2015 12:05

PlaysWell
"If a woman says she felt threatened by something, then I for one, will believe her."
I totally agree with you. It's completely offensive to call it "bollocks" or accuse her of being a "man hater". People who do should be ashamed of themselves.

squidzin · 23/11/2015 12:19

Haha coffeeisnectar
Seriously. The day a man actually smiles at me before he commands "cheer up darling" I might smile back!

Men don't smile. Why should women?.

squidzin · 23/11/2015 12:19

"Waiting for smile"
You can't see how much is wrong with that?

squidzin · 23/11/2015 12:21

Men stare because they assume women accommodate. They don't stare at other men like that.

VulcanWoman · 23/11/2015 12:25

or they just fancy their chances.

VulcanWoman · 23/11/2015 12:27

You have the power, you just don't realise it.

SoWhite · 23/11/2015 12:33

People who do should be ashamed of themselves.

Hear, hear!

squidzin · 23/11/2015 12:38

"You have the power".

What, to stare at other people and make them feel uncomfortable. Not a power I want much.

I'd like the "power" to end the presumption that women should give something to men all the time, such as space, smiles, unpaid labour and decorative visuals.

LockedBox · 23/11/2015 12:41

I had this happen to me this morning. Big van parked half up on the pavement and 3 men up the scaffolding...all staring at me as I approached. I caught one of their eyes and he literally LEERED at me and made a "uh HUH" kind of sex noise.

Of course I was so delighted by this male attention which validates me not only as a woman but also as a fully functioning human being that I had full sex with all three of them on the spot.

Actually, I just walked on past and did a wanker sign at them in my brain and thanked God that I keep my earphones in even when I'm not listening to music just so that I can pretend it's not happening and I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Elendon · 23/11/2015 12:43

"A smile costs nothing" "Man hating thread" All this a few posts in.

Being respectful costs nothing either. Seeing women as human beings, able to walk down a street without feeling uncomfortable, your starter for ten.

GreenTomatoJam · 23/11/2015 12:44

Don't be ridiculous. That's like saying that cakes in a bakery window have the power. Of course they don't.

The person staring has the power to not stare. The person being stared at has no power to make them stop.

If the person chooses to stop staring when the woman performs for them, then the power is still all theirs. The woman still has none, she can just hope to steer the interaction a little bit (and then be accused of leading the man on of course - because why else would she smile)

Thefitfatty · 23/11/2015 12:45

You have the power, you just don't realise it.

No, I don't believe that's true. Men have the power in this scenario because if THEY decide they don't like your response to their stare, they have the power to say something to you, follow you, attack you, harass you.

Staring is very much a power thing on the part of men. It's meant as a way of sizing the woman up and intimidating her to get a desired response.

VulcanWoman · 23/11/2015 12:47

No, to tell them to F off, when they're hoping you will smile at them.

Thefitfatty · 23/11/2015 12:49

No, to tell them to F off, when they're hoping you will smile at them.

That's a dangerous game to play I'm afraid. The type of guy who stares at a woman like she's a piece of meat for his enjoyment, isn't the type of guy who likes to be told to fuck off.

Oswin · 23/11/2015 12:51

So these men who stop and stare are just waiting for a smile?
So do they all stop and stare at every man who walks past waiting for a smile? Do they fuck!
They like the reaction. Generally the woman keeps her head down avoiding eye contact.
I see it happen all the time. Then when the woman has passed they all start pissing themselves laughing.

In normal situations staring is seen as an act of aggression. In a pub if a mans staring at another man its assumed he's looking for a fight.

Ooh but if there staring a women we have to be nice and take it. Maybe flash a smile.

VulcanWoman · 23/11/2015 12:52

Well, you haven't tried it have you, so how would you know. They just make some other sarcastic comment, didn't get the smile though.

Thefitfatty · 23/11/2015 12:57

Well, you haven't tried it have you, so how would you know.

That's a huge assumption on your part. FYI I've lived in the Middle East and South Korea for over 10 years, where staring at women is a way of life for many men. I've told them to F off and been rushed at, punched in the chest and the nice ones just yell at me.

Also, the last time I told a guy to F off for telling me to give him a smile in the UK he smacked me hard on the ass.

Oswin · 23/11/2015 12:58

Actually Vulcan woman I did once ask two men who were fixing a sign outside a shop, why they were staring at me.
I was nearly assaulted as a result. Luckily for me I live in this area and my daughters dad I well known so some teenage hoodys intervened and they were told to leave the area.

If there was no one about there's no doubt In my mind I would have been assaulted.

howtorebuild · 23/11/2015 13:03

It's easier when it's in a busy street during daylight, than in a quiet office at work.

VulcanWoman · 23/11/2015 13:07

Thefitfatty, sorry, I'm getting mixed up with posters and threads, there's a similar one going on.

INickedAName · 23/11/2015 14:25

I would not be surprised to find that the type of man who thinks he's entitled to a woman's smile and thinks the way to get one is by staring at her to the point she puts her head down and try's to walk past quickly, thinks he's entitled to other things from her and responds with verbal insults/threats or physical abuse when told to fuck off.

It's happened to me and plenty of other women.

The staring is intimidating, women can tell the difference between a hostile stare and a non threatening look, and I believe them when they say they feel threatened by the former. I wonder if the staring thing is more common because if they shout sexual comments they can get in trouble and possibly lose jobs now,whereas it's very hard to complain about them "looking" at you?

The face expresses lots of things, and in things like TV programmes and movies a hostile stare is translated by the viewer as a hostile stare, and nobody man or woman, suggests "oh he's waiting for a smile" they know the person doing it is an arse.

I know films are made up, but someone acting happy is usually like someone acting happy in real life, someone acting like a twat usually acts similar as someone being a twat irl. But excuses are made for latter to make the woman the twat for not being nice and smiling etc.