am I naive or putting out the wrong signals or do men take advantage?

[mamadoc]

I am a 40 yr old married woman wearing a wedding ring. Tonight I went to a business dinner. I made an effort to wear a dress, make up and heels which is unusual for me. I just felt I should look presentable for a black tie occasion it was in no way a bid to attract male attention. Dress was knee length and high neck.
I attended alone.

No less than 3 men propositioned me fairly overtly for sex!! The 1st it was just getting too close, flirtatious comments, putting his arm over the back of my chair, knee touching at dinner, hand on my back sliding down and I gave him the brush off. The next one after dinner tried to buy me drinks and fairly heavily hinted he had a hotel room available so I left. The last guy on the train offered to share a taxi and then started pawing me and suggesting I go back to his for a 'massage' despite my saying I was going home to my DH and kids.

I utterly despair. This is the 1st time I've been out without DH in ages to what was supposed to be a professional environment and I feel like a piece of meat.

Am I doing something wrong? I am beating myself up about the taxi share guy especially. We had both missed the direct train and it saved us each 20 quid. It never entered my mind he had any other motive. I am such a fool.

Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I go out and network like all the men in the room without getting hit on?

You didn't do anything wrong, you really didn't. Nice guys look for reciprocation, these guys just felt entitled to try it on because they're men and you're a woman. In their minds you were fair game because you did normal things like dress up, appear attractive, talk pleasantly to them, share a cab. But there is nothing wrong with you doing any of these things the problem is with the way they view women.

You poor thing, it really does sound grim and not a little scary. And calculated to make you never want to go to evening events again. Been there, done that.

The main problem is the way it makes you question yourself. You start questioning how you are coming across to merit this. Was it the way I was dressed? Did it somehow come across as flirting when I was just talking on business or general topics? Is accepting an offer to share a taxi tantamount to agreeing to sex?

Yes because from an early age we are conditioned to feel responsible. These days I just get overwhealmingly angry instead.

mamadoc "The main problem is the way it makes you question yourself. You start questioning how you are coming across"

I don't find that, but I'm single at 40 and I spend most of time getting from A to B alone or out with friends. I really noticed a difference in this when I had boyfriends. I wonder how much time you spend in settings where you might get hit on, or if your DH is often with you on those sorts of occasions? Group of women in bar - men think you're there to pick up.

I'm not even attractive and it's bloody constant. I gained weight (not deliberately) and thought it would go away but I was amazed how much it doesn't. Today I had to drop a parcel to a collect+ place and the guy said to me about it costing £5 for home pick up. I just said, okay, thanks, and he then winked at his colleague and said "no, I mean, a mere £5 for a home visit from me".

I have wondered in the past if I'm giving out a weird vibe, but that was probably about 10 years ago. Now I just think, sadly, that for many men the sight of a woman alone is an excuse for innuendo. It's incredibly annoying but I don't know what can be done about it. I didn't want to tell him to fuck off because I do want a refund on that parcel, if I was rude I expect he'd mysteriously lose it....

going back to your situation, I know it was meant to be a professional networking dinner but frankly I'm always a bit meh about how much business actually gets done at these things. if you know anyone else working for them it might be wise to ask if it's just a general pick up culture?

It's gross. And some people seem to think that marriage is no big deal and cheating is normal. When DH lived away from me for 15 months his colleagues kept trying to set him up with people When he said "But I have a girlfriend" they just laughed and said but she'll never find out, why wouldn't you?

It's really depressing how many men think that women only exist for sex. You think that we are past that, but we're really not.

Sharing a taxi is NOT tantamount to agreeing to sex. Taxi guy was being a creepy sleaze. You could possibly report him to his company for his sexually harassing behaviour, actually.

BTW, another time if taxi thing ever happens again, you could say "Excuse me, please could you stop, I would like to sit in the front" and then you don't have to sit by him. Good that the driver asked if you were okay :)

Taxi guy told me he was self employed!

I thought afterwards I should have asked to get in the front. He did stop after the taxi driver spoke to him but it was pretty uncomfortable for the rest of the journey.

You are right Lorelei I don't go out at night much on my own and I am used to being afforded respect at work in my usual job. I used to get stuff like this years ago (despite being ordinary looking) but I thought either the world had moved on (wishful thinking) or that people in their 40s/ 50s would be far more mature and not likely to behave like this.

I will definitely not be going to anything like that again in a hurry and certainly not alone.

sexism knocks back 1/2 the competition and racism smacks down the other 1/2 .And the WINNER IS ta da! white males.

Mama - you know what, I think it's got worse. In my 20s, I was mostly approached politely. Now I find I encounter disbelief and sometimes even aggression when saying no.

It does make me very very sad. I have said this here before - much as I love being single, the only time I think I would like to have a man around is to help prevent other men bothering me.

I have friends who are very worried about their teenage daughters and I can see why I honestly think they will be coming of age at a tougher time than I did - as if things have gone backwards in that there is now a sense of entitlement with some men.

Definitely not you. Sounds like a horrid night out.

Lurcio and slugs are maybe on to something.

I found this evening way more offensive than guys in pubs and clubs when I was younger because in those cases at least I could imagine that they might be clumsily trying to start a relationship or some kind of reciprocated mutual encounter. Taxi and after dinner guy were just so blatant that they wanted a shag and straight to the point about it. They could have hardly been clearer that they were interested in just using my body not in anything to do with me as a person. And they clearly thought there was a good chance I would agree to that and would be happy to cheat on my husband for a random shag with a complete stranger. Does that ever actually happen in real life or are they just complete fantasists?

Dinner guy I think was a variation on a theme. I can't actually say that he propositioned me for sex to be scrupulously fair as nothing was said at all. I think he was possibly just getting off on being able to touch me or possibly I just managed to extricate myself before the offer was made. He was talking to me about his wife whilst doing this in fact.

I am sure some women cheat on their husbands with strangers. On the other hand, I rather doubt they do it with strangers who propositioned them in such a rude way. There are matchmaking sites for that kind of thing, I suspect they'd rather use those.

To me it looks like this sort of thing is more of a harrassing/boundary pushing by rapists issue than them actually wanting mutually enjoyable sex.

talking to you about his wife while he paws you makes the message doubly clear and if you let him continue you are giving up power and he is augmenting his. It's power politics in the business world. And when you didn't cooperate with taxi guy,he got mad because he thought you agreeing to share a taxi was you agreeing to sex. There has to be a lot more aggression simmering under the surface of white males as women and other races make inroads into the winners circle.