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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

feeling weary

47 replies

sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 17:20

I don't even know if this is a feminist issue, but I had no idea where to put it.

Some things have been happening IRL, not to me, but to a family member who is also a neighbour. Domestic abuse. Violence and emotional. Really fucking nasty stuff. It has sort of triggered things for me, because I have been through similar. It has taken me back, kind of, to those feelings.

Since I went through it I have become more aware of the issues surrounding DA, and toxic relationships in general. I have dealt with my issues, and sorted out my warped thinking. Sadly, IRL right now it feels like I am the only one who has any grasp on reality.

The victim blaming that has been going on, from someone I consider to be my best friend, has sickened me. The general lack of awareness of this stuff, the stuff that is discussed all the time on MN, is astonishing.

There is this real attitude that women are bringing it upon themselves, and the men don't seem to be getting a hard time at all.

Does anyone else see this or is it just me?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 04/09/2015 19:40

Ok, men are getting through more, I can believe that.

Is he calling her mobile or the house?

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 19:42

I completely agree capsium. But her head is so warped. Shes quite young too. She never had much self esteem or self worth. All she can see is the here and now.

Also SS may need to intervene re the kids if she takes him back.

This is what I am praying for. I really really hope SS get involved before she takes him back and stay involved.

OP posts:
capsium · 04/09/2015 19:42

I don't think any degree of her provocating him would justify him strangling her! He is dangerous, why did he get bail?

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 19:48

Nothing physical in front of me. Nothing written down either. There were some messages after the fact the last time, but I don't think they have any detail in them.

No idea why he got bail. There was real intent in his actions IMO but the charge doesn't seem serious enough. But I don't know how much she downplayed it to them either.

He is calling her mobile.

Tbh, I am trying to not let this engulf me atm. My mood has been low yesterday and today and I need to step back to protect myself. (I have issues and a counsellor.)

OP posts:
Original poster
sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 19:49

I told her SS would not let them be together, but apparently the police told her SS wouldn't do anything Shock so she isn't taking it on board.

OP posts:
capsium · 04/09/2015 19:54

She could record his calls? To get further advice. She could change her number.

It sounds like you are being a really good friend but stepping back a little might also be good. She needs to get proper help and, as much as you try, you cannot keep propping her up to get her out of this situation.

capsium · 04/09/2015 19:57

Would you feel better if you passed your concerns to the social worker? They may not know the full situation?

YonicScrewdriver · 04/09/2015 19:58

Yes please take care of yourself x

PlaysWellWithOthers · 04/09/2015 21:07

He got bail because they always do. Even when they break bones. It's why a lot of women end up taking them back, because them being out on bail and you not knowing where they are is scarier than them being in the house, because you believe you can make them stop.

I hope your friend gets help. You could also call WA and see if they can support you in helping your friend.

The only person to blame in this is the man. And it doesn't really matter when it comes down to it why he's doing it.

capsium · 04/09/2015 21:28

The 'Why?' can help, if the victim wants answers. It can stop the victim wrongly turning the blame inwards and questioning and requestioning their own actions. It can help them see the violence against them was beyond their control. Knowing the 'why' can help give the victim some peace and perhaps spot the start of dysfunction in future relationships.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 04/09/2015 22:24

capsium... please, with the greatest respect, restrict your unhelpful comments to the other thread. This is a support thread. No one needs you excusing perpetrators here. If you're not capable of doing that, can I respectfully ask you not to comment on this thread again? I realise you have a bit of a problem with me, so, if it will help you to restrict your comments on this thread to supportive ones, I will also agree not to post on here again, and will see if OP would appreciate tapping into my years of experience via PM instead.

The best way to spot violent bastard's warning signs is to do the freedom program.

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 22:42

The best way to spot violent bastard's warning signs is to do the freedom program.

I also suggested this to her. But its just another thing that is unheard of. I feel like an alien in my family at times. Especially when I mention anything to do with mental health or women's rights.

Honestly capsium, finding out the "why" just gives the perpetrator an excuse and the victim something to feel sorry for. A victim shouldn't need to know the whys in order for them to understand that it is not ok for them to be treated like that. They don't need to give over any more head space to the perpetrator than they already have. Controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour is not acceptable no matter the reasons for it. Do you realise just how damaging you could be with that opinion?

OP posts:
capsium · 04/09/2015 22:49

Sorry, we are all obviously different.

The 'Why?' is what helps me make sense of things. Unresolved anger, I feel, is harmful. I would never say the dysfunctional behaviour of an abuser is permissible and haven't said so. If you think I was advocating it is, permissible, you have misunderstood me.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 04/09/2015 22:57

Slice if you need anything, just PM. If I can help in any way, let me know.

Remember to also take time to take care of yourself. Looking after abused women is emotionally draining, they make so many excuses for their abusers, because maybe, just maybe, if they can find out why, then they can magically stop the abuse. It's all bollocks of course, there is no why, except the basic choice the abuser makes to abuse. So make time to do things away from the situation.

Take massive care, you're doing a good thing here x

TheyGotTheMustardOut · 04/09/2015 23:28

Capsium the way to be an ally, if that is what you want to be, is to ask, 'What can I do to help you?' & listening to the answer. It is not pushing what you think someone should do/think.

As PP have pointed out this is a support thread not a philosophical debate.

OP Flowers for being a good friend and please take care of yourself.

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 04/09/2015 23:40

Thank you. Flowers

I am ok, and I have plenty to be occupying myself with. My DH is lovely and I have loads of support from him too. :)

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 04/09/2015 23:42

That is good -RL support Smile

PlaysWellWithOthers · 06/09/2015 16:43

Hi Slice, how's things going?

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 07/09/2015 09:18

Hi, well things are quiet now. I haven't spoken to her since Friday, but I know she's ok, lots of friends in and out etc. DH is friends on facebook with the guy but I am not. DH says he is doing a lot of manipulating on there. Liking and reposting old photos of them, putting up statues saying he misses her etc. They aren't friends on facebook anymore, but I know she is seeing it all. :(

His mum was round at the weekend for most of the day. I hope she is putting common sense above any loyalty she may have for her son.

Her family still nowhere to be seen. I want to scream at the lot of them, but it would achieve nothing. I had a nice weekend with DH and the DCs, my mood is better now that I have stepped back a bit.

Thanks for asking. :)

OP posts:
PlaysWellWithOthers · 07/09/2015 09:48

Glad things seem calmer.

Surely if he is even obliquely contacting her via FB, he would still be breaking his bail conditions?

Original poster
sliceofsoup · 07/09/2015 09:55

I'm not sure. They aren't friends so I suppose they could claim she can't see the stuff he's posting.

OP posts:
PlaysWellWithOthers · 07/09/2015 10:04

Might be an idea to screen shot it all anyway, just to be on the safe side.

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