Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

[5by5]

I have been mulling over changing my name recently. I didn't change my name when I married for feminist reasons and for weirdness reasons - I found/find the idea of changing your name strange, it must be an odd process to go through.

However, there are a few reasons why I'm thinking of doing it now...

1. I am now NC with my parents and sometimes I don't like this tie I still have to them. I feel much more like DH's family are my family now.

2. We are moving overseas, a fresh start, seems like a good time to do it if I was to do it.

3. My name needs spelling out or people don't get it right. This is trivial.

4. DCs have DH's surname, though my name as a middle name. The more I refer to friends and family groups as 'the So-and-Sos' the more I'd like us to be 'the DHsurnames'. This is also trivial.

Reasons against would be:

1. Moving overseas will be a testing time for our relationship. I fully believe we are strong enough for it to be a great adventure for all of us, but I'd be a fool if I didn't consider the idea that it might all go wrong, and while changing my name back would be a minor point in what I'd be dealing with if it did, it seems like it would be salt in the wound.

2. Still feminist reasons.

What do you think? I haven't mentioned this to DH at all.

You only know two women who identify as feminists ??

Toast, the article differentiates between the general population of married women (90%+ have changed name) and the twenty-somethings. Not sure how old you are and I'm not asking!

I also don't know how FB knows who is married other than if they've set their relationship status. I provide it with as little info as possible!

BR, I have many female friends who believe in equality etc but I have no idea if they self identify as feminist.

I changed my name after 15 years of marriage. Dh did too, we both took a new name (mix of both of ours) which is also the dc's name.

It was no big deal, tbh, no one seems to have batted an eyelid. I kept my old email, so my email no longer reflects my name, but no one bats an eyelid at that either.

I quite like us all having the same name, but the idea of taking his name never crossed my mind. If he hadn't suggested changing his name for the dc (we live in a country where the dc had to take his name or mine, there was no option to just give them the name we wanted) I wouldn't have done it. But it seemed like the fair thing to do. And it's nice being the only 'ourname' people in the world too.

Oh, OK. Well in that case 100% of my married 20 something friends changed their name.

I often identify as a feminist. It usually comes up when people ask me why I have a double barrelled name! Only two people have replied that they're a feminist too. It does make me sad.

I know several married women who have kept their name for work but changed it for personal stuff. And several my age (early 30s) who have changed completely. But I also know a lot of women in long-term relationships who are unlikely to ever marry (I'm one of them) and two couples where the man has taken the woman's name.

I like the idea of portmanteauing should I have ever have children, but there is no elegant way to do it with our respective surnames. I like the idea of just picking a new name for the whole family, too. So many options...

yep loads of options! And I still resent being called "anti feminist" for choosing to take my husband's name for all the reasons I've stated on this thread. I'm very wary of criticising women for the informed that choices they make although of course always up for debating them!

You only know two women who identify as feminists ??

I only know 2 women who identify as feminists. I don't. I kept my own name.

I make loads of choices that are either anti-feminist or un-feminist, usually out of either fear or laziness. I wouldn't resent someone calling that what it was when the topic arose. The name thing has always struck me as a bit different though since doing nothing (i.e. not changing your name) is the resistant act. Although perhaps it doesn't feel like nothing if you're surrounded by people who would question that choice.

But, you know. Feminism doesn't live or die on individual women's choices. We all prop up the patriarchy to some extent. Etc.

We all prop up the patriarchy to some extent.

Very true, I just made my husband get rid of a massive spider. I am happy with my anti-feminist choice.

For those of you unhappy with the description of it as an anti feminist choice (and Lemon, you were never described as an anti feminist, BR made that very clear), do you accept that sometimes, between two choices, one is more feminist than the other.

I am not perpetuating being a chattle. I am being a strong woman making my own decision to have the same name as the rest of my family, rather than making a unit with my brother's families.
I am equally able to keep my own- had I wanted to.
I also don't see why I should tell others what to do- it is entirely up to the individual.
Far too many people are ready to make what is the right decision for themselves and then think it is right for all women!
What I do with a name has no bearing on what others do. I changed my name - no big deal- you don't have to change yours and I don't expect you to.

" And I still resent being called "anti feminist" for choosing to take my husband's name for all the reasons I've stated on this thread."

If you're referring to me, I made it very clear on several occasions that I am not saying you are an "anti feminist" I am saying that I think that this particular choice you have made is an anti feminist one. There is a significant difference.

People read far too much into things. I would loved to have had my father 'give me away' , sadly he had died. It would have been nothing more than a lovely father/daughter moment. I had left home and been independent for 8 years.

I've taken my husband's name, and I fully accept that it's an anti-feminist choice. I also shave my legs, wear make-up, etc. All things that I engage in, that I can objectively see are undoubtedly anti-feminist.

Trying to ague that 'choosing' to take your husband's name is anything other than anti-feminist is just silly.

People really, really refuse to see the wood for trees over this.

Just because you're making a 'choice', does not mean you're engaging in a feminist act.

And wanting the same name as your children / family unit (the reason I eventually changed my name) is absolutely fine. It's just that it's worthy scrutiny as to why it's inevitably the woman who changes their name...

Mehitabel

My father walked me down the aisle in church. It isn't something I gave any thought. TBH it didn't occur to me that there was an alternative.

None of that stops me from observing now that the origin of that tradition was the passing of possession/responsibility from one man to another and that I wouldn't do the same again for that reason. One could still have that lovely moment by both sets of parents walking their children down the aisle.

Sorry for your loss, Mehitabel.

It's not about 'reading too much into things'.

Some people like to question things, and that's a good thing. If we didn't, we'd still be living biblical stylee, and I'm sure none of us want that.

There are very few father/daughter moments so I can't see why it is begrudged when everyone knows the mother of the bride already has the most important position after the couple.

Of course there are alternatives- if you don't have a father you have to think of them!

Gosh, Mehitabel, it isn't about begrudging. Each father could walk his child down the aisle if you so wishes.

When you say "everyone knows" the mother of the bride has the important role - I don't believe there's any official role for MOB, is there? If we dig into the routes if why the wedding is thought to be a bigger deal for the bride and her mother than the groom and his, what would you expect to find?

I am sorry your father died before your wedding.

The woman changing their name is the tradition- much easier to manage when researching family history.
Anyway DH was an only child and I have brothers who have children.
DH 1 died in his 20s and so he didn't leave much except a child and his name-I was very pleased that I had taken the name and was a unit with DS.

If you are an independent woman you don't have to concern yourself with trivialities. The most ardent feminists I know are 2 women I know who haven't got their own lives sorted- they need to assert themselves with their own DHs rather than get militant about women in general.

Having just had my DS get married I would say the mother of the bride is far more important- not something that worried me- it is just the way things are.

Of course father's can 'give away' - that was my whole point - there is nothing to read into it. You don't have to do it if you don't like the idea.

I double barrelled my name on getting married. We are in a country where either each keeps their name or we have to pick a marriage/family name and then the other partner, but not both and not the children, gets to double barrel if they want. I did this because I also had a difficult/negative relationship with my parents, but didn't want to be swallowed up completely by dh's family. Also, neither of our names are that attractive on their own but they come together nicely.

I do like my name a lot, but looking back over 15y of marriage so far, I have found it surprisingly hard to be subsumed into dh's identity and family even to this degree. A lot of people tend to leave the second part of the double barrel (mine) off and refer to us as 'the dhsnames'. It bothers me; I feel sort of reduced. Dh did offer to take my name before we were married and tbh I wish I'd taken him up on it.