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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

The feminist marriage - do you wear a ring?

86 replies

TheReluctantBride · 27/02/2015 15:39

Super brief history. Am in v happy relationship with DP. Been together for 7 or so years. Lived together for 6. Had DS last year and realised that life, legally/tax wise etc, would be easier if we were married.
This will make me a wife... This grates hugely on my feminist principles, (I got a little ranty with the registrar when she asked for my Dad's details for the marriage licence but not my Mum's, because you know wife's aren't important enough....), but clearly that is all just my own prejudice. deep breath
I love DP. I proposed to him. It's happening. (Someone recently described him as my babyfather and I realised that is way worse than husband.)
I have never been into weddings. Hate the idea of a "big day" so we are having 2 witnesses at a registry office and not telling family/friends until after. So far so good. Booked for a month's time.
DP announced last night he wants to wear a wedding a ring "to show the world that he's mine". He is trying to be lovely and this would have been carefully considered by him. The phrase grates hugely. I need no mark of ownership! And if I did it's the modern age shouldn't I just microchip him like we did with the dog?
Of course if he wants to wear a ring who am I to stop him but it brings up the other question..... Do I wear a ring? I haven't since I was a teenager but I'm not adverse to pretty jewellery?
So does a feminist wear a wedding ring?
If you are marriage is it no longer appropriate to verbally savage those who refer to me as a "better half", "other half" or other term implying incompletion without a man at my side?
And on a slightly different tac, what does a reluctant bride wear to her wedding?

OP posts:
alicemalice · 27/02/2015 15:47

I think the question is… do you want to wear a ring? If you don't, then don't.

There's no rules about this stuff. I'm a feminist, I shave my legs, I don't like how I feel pushed into it somehow, but I still do it. Conditioning goes a long way.

I think the thing is… it's up to you.

I did go to a wedding recently and it was SO sexist from start to finish. What can you do? What do others think?

RainbowFlutterby · 27/02/2015 15:51

I don't think whether other feminists wear a ring or not should make any difference to you. If you want to wear one - do. If you don't, well then don't.

I hope you have a lovely day whichever you choose.

Teeb · 27/02/2015 15:52

I think it's a personal choice for you. For some people it holds a lot of symbolism, for others it's an opportunity to wear something pretty.

I think sometimes it's nice to see some choices, not outside of feminism, but from a different angle. The idea of being a unit together as a family is a nice one, and it's a nice feeling to have a discreet symbol/object of that that you share. I'm not sure I made any sense then.

Thurlow · 27/02/2015 15:55

A ring is an entirely personal choice.

To look at it from a slightly different angle, I am not married - conscious choice on both our behalfs because of our personal opinion on the current legal marriage available in Britain blah blah.

However I do wear a ring on my ring finger. It's pretty and I like it. But also, I have no problem being public about being in a committed relationship, if that makes any sense at all. DP doesn't, but he wouldn't have even if we had married.

It is a lovely excuse for a bit of bling though Wink

LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2015 15:56

Marriage is however you make it for you.

I'm a feminist and wore a pretty frock and I wear a wedding ring (as does dh). I haven't changed my name on marriage and our marriage is an equal partnership in every way that counts.

ClimbingPenguin · 27/02/2015 15:57

I'd say most your q's and points are equally valid if you were marrying another woman.

I agree with others, do what you want to. I don't wear a ring because I find it practically annoying and am not too sentimental. DH on the other hand (no pun intended) feels lost and incomplete without his as it is a symbol of his love for me. Implying you are not whole without a partner is not because of a man owing you, it's two way and in my opinion nothing to do with gender

rosierainbow1 · 27/02/2015 15:58

I am married. We had no guests. No one has ever said better half/other half. No one ever refers to us as Mr or Mrs, except the person on telephone banking, and even they then say can I call you your first name. Yeah we both have rings, but I have so many rings I am going for Mr T ;) If the man you are marrying isnt sexist then none of this matters.

Original poster
TheReluctantBride · 27/02/2015 16:04

Thanks mumsnetters, you are right of course. I genuinely don't know if I want to wear a ring. I think maybe I will look around to see if I see one I like! Grin
Rosierainbow has no one called a better half? It doesn't happen a lot to me but when it does I'm usually quite tart in reply...Hmm

OP posts:
rosierainbow1 · 27/02/2015 16:08

No can't say I have. I wouldn't have thought many of the younger generation think in those terms.

WhodidyousayIshouldbe · 27/02/2015 16:15

My wedding ring (circle) symbolises never-ending love and it's on my left hand which is closest to my heart. That's what the vicar said anyway. I'm sticking with that.

It doesn't mark me as the property of my husband but it's a visual symbol of our mutual commitment to each other. I quite like that.

Hope you have a lovely day and continued happiness OP. Smile

Original poster
TheReluctantBride · 27/02/2015 16:15

Hopefully not! You're right I think it's mainly DP's work colleagues...

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 27/02/2015 16:38

I wear a ring. Bought it myself, too. Same with my engagement ring. They were my choice, my funding. I just like them as jewellery.

worriedaboutateen · 27/02/2015 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApplesTheHare · 27/02/2015 16:48

I'm a feminist and wear a ring as a personal anchor. When I look at it I see a reminder that I've found a fantastic equal partner, rather than a symbol of ownership. My DH wears a ring and he'd probably say he does it for the same reason as your DP, but I'm happy for him to wear it/not wear it for whatever reasons are meaningful for him Smile

SecretSquirrels · 27/02/2015 16:49

In my case - sometimes.
I did the quick registry office wedding just as a formality as you plan to do. It so happened I had been given my late grandmother's gold wedding ring so I had it altered to fit.
To my mother's horror I don't wear it all the time, it has no huge superstitious meaning, it's just a nice ring that I wear some days and not others.

LMLytton · 27/02/2015 16:50

Yes I do (but no engagement ring, didn't do engagement) and only because DH does as well. I bought it myself, just a small gold band.

Didn't change my name.

LMLytton · 27/02/2015 16:52

And I haven't worn it sometimes for stretches at a time (when pregnant/and after with fat fingers)

vixsatis · 27/02/2015 16:53

No. Neither of us likes wedding rings on men, so I don't wear one either. I also don't like the idea of having to be "marked out" as "taken". I'm quite capable of turning down advances (not that that has been a problem for a while.........)

I dislike engagement rings largely because of the unedifying competition which they seem to set up amongst women

reni1 · 27/02/2015 16:54

Wedding band, yes. Same one for both of us. Engagement ring no (he did not have one, either). Our wedding was registry and small like yours, too. No name change, double barrelled kids with dhname-reni1name.

PacificDogwood · 27/02/2015 16:55

I wear my wedding ring AND engagement every day, but see it as a handy way to not have to 'explain' my marital status Hmm and as pretty jewellery.
Like SecretSquirrels said, these rings have no more 'power' than that: I take them off at night (late MiL used to appalled at that!) and I left them at home for a hospital stay and when we did a rather rough'n'ready holiday.

I understand the rather anti-feminist implications of the wedding ring traditionally, but I like the symbolism of a circle going on forever, so that's what I wear it for.

Not that I would not LTB if he was not as nice as he is Grin

RufusTheReindeer · 27/02/2015 16:56

I would wear what you like

DH wears a ring, I don't...not because of any feminist principles, My fingers are just too fat for my engagement and wedding ring Grin

Actually fat fingers are nothing to laugh about

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 16:58

He does, I don't. I do have one somewhere but I don't like wearing it. H likes wearing his.
As long as no-one is trying to make anyone wear one at all, its doesn't really matter.

LowLevelBlinging · 27/02/2015 17:00

I have a cheapo silver ring and didn't change my name. Our wedding was also purely for legal reasons, done in secret with two witnesses.

However, my ring is currently under the sofa and has been for months. Neither of us are arsed enough to shift our heavy sofa to retrieve it shrug

Thinking about it, I should have put some effort into choosing a really nice (non-wedding style) ring that I would enjoy looking at every day for the rest of my life!

OllyBJolly · 27/02/2015 17:04

DH and my daughters designed my ring. It wasn't meant to be a wedding ring - it was a 50th birthday/engagement present (not engagement ring!).

It is just so beautiful and meaningful that I couldn't spoil it by adding another. We used it for the wedding ceremony. No name change, didn't change it first time and my children have my name. I tried to encourage him to change to our name but he wasn't having it!

ToffeePenny · 27/02/2015 17:06

DP does, I don't because I work in a very sexist industry and don't want to penalise my chances of progressing my career.

If certain senior members knew I had a DP, let alone a kid, they would quickly reassign the more difficult (and higher revenue) jobs to my male colleagues, under a cover of being accommodating to my 'needs'. Done directly it would be discrimination, it would be illegal, but done subtly and under a 'let's get more women in our industry by showing we can make things easier for them when they have kids' type initiative and it would happen.

In some ways it would be more feminist of me to wear the ring and confront them head on instead of playing along but then I'd be labelled a 'problem employee' and never get to a level where I can do something about the culture. Once I'm running the joint I'll put it back on.

So if you can, and you want to, I'd wear it. Congratulations OP :)