The feminist marriage - do you wear a ring?

[TheReluctantBride]

Super brief history. Am in v happy relationship with DP. Been together for 7 or so years. Lived together for 6. Had DS last year and realised that life, legally/tax wise etc, would be easier if we were married.
This will make me a wife... This grates hugely on my feminist principles, (I got a little ranty with the registrar when she asked for my Dad's details for the marriage licence but not my Mum's, because you know wife's aren't important enough....), but clearly that is all just my own prejudice. deep breath
I love DP. I proposed to him. It's happening. (Someone recently described him as my babyfather and I realised that is way worse than husband.)
I have never been into weddings. Hate the idea of a "big day" so we are having 2 witnesses at a registry office and not telling family/friends until after. So far so good. Booked for a month's time.
DP announced last night he wants to wear a wedding a ring "to show the world that he's mine". He is trying to be lovely and this would have been carefully considered by him. The phrase grates hugely. I need no mark of ownership! And if I did it's the modern age shouldn't I just microchip him like we did with the dog?
Of course if he wants to wear a ring who am I to stop him but it brings up the other question..... Do I wear a ring? I haven't since I was a teenager but I'm not adverse to pretty jewellery?
So does a feminist wear a wedding ring?
If you are marriage is it no longer appropriate to verbally savage those who refer to me as a "better half", "other half" or other term implying incompletion without a man at my side?
And on a slightly different tac, what does a reluctant bride wear to her wedding?

DH and I both wear rings. They are identical plain white gold. Neither of us have ever considered them symbols of ownership, more symbols of a deep connection between two equals.
To quote John Lennon (whom I personally dislike but agree with on this occasion):

"Rituals are important. Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip."

I wear a ring not as ownership and yes because of ownership. I want the whole world to know I am taken. Taken with love, respect and understanding of a good man. I wear it as a symbol of commitment, trust, and a promise. I know I have been around a little longer than some of these women here. But growing up I was taught that marriage is not a fleeting feeling, or whimsy. It is until death. That may seem outdated to some but I believe in integrity. This means I mean what I say and my action follow. So when I first put on this ring I am saying to God and the world. I am united in this life. I am now more than myself. Two have become one. Not two halves, but two wholes. After all, you marry a whole person. Not just the half you like. This is what my ring means to me.

I've been married twice and, oddly, the first I had a giant off-white meringue, I changed my name, I wore a ring and got called Mrs. This much better marriage I wore a nicer colour, didn't take his name, have a ring but don't wear it, Rarely get called Mrs.

I think feminism should be to widen my choices, not narrow them. Otherwise what's the point?

A wedding ring is a symbol of eternal love for you by the giver.
It is not a symbol of ownership.

Google the symbolism of wedding rings - it is lovely.

I think weddings and marriage are generally very interesting from a feminist perspective. And I think slowly the assumptions are changing.

I wear a ring. But wouldn't if Dh didn't. However, I also did the big wedding. For me, I questioned some elements from a feminist PoV at the time but came to the conclusion that marriage was important to me and that standing up in front of friends and family and declaring that dh and I were now a family, a unit, was important. For me personally, the public nature of marriage was part of the appeal. It made me feel more secure and comfortable in my relationship.

I have met couples who have Never felt that need and their relationships are as stable and happy as mine. So I don't think either is the best. It's based on who you are and how you view the world.

But I have never taken dh's name or being called Mrs because the fact that I am married is important to me and relevant for people in my life. I don't think it should have any bearing on how the school, bank or employer treat me.

I am actually quite articulate in real life. Typing on phone. Sorry b

I honestly can't for the life of me understand why anyone would even debate the idea of whether wearing a wedding ring makes them a feminist or not. Surely that's the kind of personal decision that you have to make for yourself, surely you have to do what feels right for you.

I am a feminist but that sort of thinking, where someone might fear committing some sort of sin against feminism if they make a simple lifestyle choice which, if one is in a healthy, equal relationship surely has no revelance to being feminist or not anyway?

That's not the kind of feminism I recognize at all. If people entertain those sort of thoughts that that's what feminism might mean no wonder some women are feeling it's not relevant to them, even though with all the misogynistic shit and double standards that women have to deal with every single day, it bloody well is.

Look I'm a romantic I confess it, I want to renew my vows soon in a big white dress and yes I wear a ring. But I'm also an ardent feminist, equal rights believer and humanist and I am totally against prescribed gender role behaviour if it's not right for you.

If you want to be a princess fine, but think about why you want to. Is it to gain male approval or is it because YOU want to. If you want to fine. If you want to be a wrestler that's fine too. I'm a fairly girly girl by all accounts, I like my make up, I like a lot of stereotypically girly things but that's my choice, not the patriarchy forcing me to.

Maybe I am a bit societally brainwashed, aren't we all, because we do live in a patriarchy after all, but honestly, if you have had your consciousness raised to any degree at all about this stuff I think you can make your own decisions perfectly well even within that.

As one poster in this thread said, she chooses to shave her legs, she doesn't feel happy about it but that's societal conditioning for you. I can confess to being a bit societally conditioned about things yes of course. For instance I watch my weight, but that's still my choice. I could equally choose not to. Feminism is all about free choice and widening women's opportunities, so lets not get it wrong and mistake feminism, for some kind of dogma.

Piercedprincess I do agree with you but likewise I wouldn't want a woman to be put off asking questions about whether there is a feminist perspective or what other feminists think about something for fear of being told "I can't for the life of me see why you think this is an issue" iyswim. (I know it isn't just you who has said this). Not that women are all precious flowers or anything, but a worry that they may feel silly for asking questions about feminism may be equally off-putting to women who might otherwise be very engaged

I am a feminist, am married and wear a ring. To be fair, I wasn't very aware of feminism when I got married, but I wouldn't change any of the decisions I made as they were made independently and intelligently. I see my wedding ring as a symbol of my connection to, and love for, my DH.

Yeah fair point Petula. Policies to anyone if I came on too strong.

Apologies even. Bloody phone making typos again.