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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

The feminist marriage - do you wear a ring?

86 replies

TheReluctantBride · 27/02/2015 15:39

Super brief history. Am in v happy relationship with DP. Been together for 7 or so years. Lived together for 6. Had DS last year and realised that life, legally/tax wise etc, would be easier if we were married.
This will make me a wife... This grates hugely on my feminist principles, (I got a little ranty with the registrar when she asked for my Dad's details for the marriage licence but not my Mum's, because you know wife's aren't important enough....), but clearly that is all just my own prejudice. deep breath
I love DP. I proposed to him. It's happening. (Someone recently described him as my babyfather and I realised that is way worse than husband.)
I have never been into weddings. Hate the idea of a "big day" so we are having 2 witnesses at a registry office and not telling family/friends until after. So far so good. Booked for a month's time.
DP announced last night he wants to wear a wedding a ring "to show the world that he's mine". He is trying to be lovely and this would have been carefully considered by him. The phrase grates hugely. I need no mark of ownership! And if I did it's the modern age shouldn't I just microchip him like we did with the dog?
Of course if he wants to wear a ring who am I to stop him but it brings up the other question..... Do I wear a ring? I haven't since I was a teenager but I'm not adverse to pretty jewellery?
So does a feminist wear a wedding ring?
If you are marriage is it no longer appropriate to verbally savage those who refer to me as a "better half", "other half" or other term implying incompletion without a man at my side?
And on a slightly different tac, what does a reluctant bride wear to her wedding?

OP posts:
Wigeon · 27/02/2015 17:18

I wear a wedding ring and consider myself a feminist. It's a romantic reminder of the promises DH and I have made to each other, and a reminder of him when we are apart. It's not a symbol that he owns me. I suppose I don't particularly like the fact that I advertise my marital status whereever I go (it shouldn't be relevant), but I don't think that my wearing my ring has any impact on the equality /lack of equality of our marriage.

Actually, I've never taken the wedding ring off since DH put it on on our wedding day, 11 years ago Smile.

SantasFavouriteHo · 27/02/2015 17:23

Im also pondering this, getting married in September but struggling with some of it in that its all so against how i feel (in a feminist way!)
So, no-one is giving me away, Im not wearing a veil, we wrote our own vows, Im not changing my name and i will wear my right because i love it but not on my 'wedding finger'

specialsubject · 27/02/2015 17:27

the system will be changed shortly to record mother's details as well as father's - meantime there is no point ranting at the registrar.

just turn up, bring two witnesses, say the words, sign, job done. 15 minutes tops.

being 'given away' and dressing up are not part of the register office ceremony, unless you want them to be. Name changing has never been a requirement in the UK, nor has wearing a wedding ring.

I wear a wedding ring when circumstances are suitable, not if I'm doing something where I might lose it. He doesn't wear one. Neither of us 'own' each other. No name change, why bother?

AntiquityIsOld · 27/02/2015 17:33

Personal choice.

I took mine off a couple of years ago after reading more about feminism. I tried it back on for a bit, but it felt even worse then. A proper mark of ownership. So I don't plan on ever wearing it again.

I married quickly for immigration purposes in an orange dress and green doc martens in front of a judge with two witnesses and then let MiL organise every part of the wedding a few months later with all the usual stuff, she enjoyed that kind of thing and I didn't and dh is an only child.

Original poster
TheReluctantBride · 27/02/2015 18:38

Special subject - that's good news, in fairness I ranted near the registrar rather than at her but I'm sure she didn't appreciate it, I should have been better behaved.
Antiquity - that was brave and very kind of you! My Mother out law (soon to be mil) would have a field day. When DP was engaged in his early 20s she told him she had over 150people she needed to invite!
One of several reasons for a quite 'secret' wedding. I think DP is looking forward to wearing his ring in front her and waiting till she spots it!
I think you have solved it for me ladies - if I find a ring I like I will wear it but which ever finger feels most comfortable/looks best. Keep the circle of love symbol but changes the advertising my marital status...
Thanks!

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 27/02/2015 20:40

I would identify as a feminist.

DP and I have an idealistically equal relationship, although in practice I out-earn him and he can be a little stubborn ahem so I won't pretend it's all nice chummy compromises (although most of the time it is, or we are on the same page - certainly where it matters).

FWIW I wear a moderately sized diamond (some would say blingy, others too small, but who honestly cares, I like it). I quietly made sacrifices for a number of years while we were less well off (channelling inheritance into the house, paying more due to DP student debts), so I was absolutely delighted when DP decided to sacrifice a chunk of his own spending money over the better years to save up to get me a beautiful ring. I like beautiful jewellery and watches but mostly either can't afford it or know well enough that I ought to prioritise the money elsewhere

In terms of wedding rings, the key thing for me is that we have both agreed to wear them. DP is not a ring-wearer, so this could be interesting and I do wonder if his will end up in a box, but we are aiming to get one that fits in with his work, as it does involve lab work (high tech, not mainly about choosing something he's happy won't be destroyed).

I also don't think finger matters a bit, so wear your wedding ring where you like. It's symbolic to the two of you and presumably you're not hiding your relationship otherwise so no big deal.

Smartleatherbag · 27/02/2015 21:50

I'm a rabid feminist Wink, and I wear a plain gold band most of the time. Dh never takes his off. We had a simple wedding service with close friends and family, no 'giving away' or fancy gown etc
We enjoyed it as a party and wanted the legal protection.

AgentCooper · 27/02/2015 21:55

I wear a ring but so does DH, so I'm fine with it.

Anyway, I actually couldn't get it off even if I wanted to sausage fingers

AntiquityIsOld · 27/02/2015 22:02

Reluctant Well 16 years later MiL and I don't speak. I was a failure as a daughter in law. I know this because when ds1 was 3 months old I was sat down for a "family meeting" and told all my failures! I persevered but after failing to produce female offspring with FiL's colouring I decided no more. Dh could do his own keeping in touch with his family work. The writing was probably on the wall with that wedding!

Original poster
TheReluctantBride · 28/02/2015 08:00

Oh antiquity I'm sorry that sucks! Sounds like you are well out of it though!

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 28/02/2015 08:04

I wear a simple gold band on my finger- but OH are not married and no intention to get married.

LadyRainicorn · 28/02/2015 08:19

We have large plain gold bands. Neither of us are particularly hung up on wearing them every day but we also both like jewellery as well

I think of them as a physical symbol of our partnership, expressed in a traditional format. And if the shit ever truly hits the fan, we can pawn/sell them for a decent chunk of money.

Seekingtheanswers · 28/02/2015 08:23

I don't wear a ring, and neither does DH. We've been together for 20 years, married for 15. Doesn't seem to have done us any harm so far. :)

I don't wear one because I just don't like wearing them.

TheSolitaryWanderer · 28/02/2015 08:25

We both have rings with the same pattern, although they are wearing down after 30 years of being on fingers.
Personal choice.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 28/02/2015 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 28/02/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByTheSea · 28/02/2015 10:59

I wear a ring and so does DH. I also wear my engagement ring as I love it and it is beautiful. Doesn't make DH or I and less feminists IMO. It's about choice so do what makes you happy.

ByTheSea · 28/02/2015 11:01

Any

StUmbrageinSkelt · 28/02/2015 11:05

We both have rings and don't wear them. TBH I wish we had put a bit more thought into it and not bothered to buy them.

Kept my name, our kids have my name (which upsets my dad weirdly enough) and he kept his.

SandorClegane · 28/02/2015 11:10

I am a feminist and I wear an engagement ring and wedding ring. We both changed our name to his surname-my surname.
Sadly I actually think I get slightly less hassle off other men because I wear a ring which is depressing but also convenient.

Honeydragon · 28/02/2015 11:10

We both have wedding rings, but don't wear them. I did "take" dhs name because I wanted us all to have the same name as a family if we had children, and I had spent my formative years loathing my own surname. It didn't occur to me that we could take on a totally new surname like some couples do,at the time, and tbh I love my surname now so it's a non issue personally.

avocadotoast · 28/02/2015 11:13

I have a wedding ring (as does DH; our rings are exactly the same, which I like), but not an engagement ring. He offered to get me one if I wanted but personally I didn't like the idea of it. (Especially because there was no proposal as such; he did ask me, but we had been talking about it and if he hadn't I would've!)

We did both change our names though. Took each other's and double barrelled.

Showy · 28/02/2015 11:14

I'm a feminist.

I wear a ring. DH wears a ring. They are gifts from us to each other. They aren't gifts from the patriarchy or a symbol of anything other than our marriage. Not marriage in general, our union. It was a free choice.

I did change my name and that I regret. I was young and I did it to please my new family. They attached a lot of importance to it. I am currently changing it back!

sashh · 28/02/2015 11:56

The thing with a ring is that you can take it off.

You could give each other a ring on the day and never wear them again. He can wear one and you not or vice versa, it is up to you.

Or you could exchange something else. Or not.

Personally I like jewelry so would wear a ring. Actually sometimes when I'm traveling alone I wear a wedding ring, I don't mean a day trip to London I mean a month on another continent.

angeltulips · 28/02/2015 12:01

I wear one as does dh as a mutual symbol of commitment. I wouldn't have worn one if he hadn't, and I didn't wear an engagement ring.

It's a plain white gold band as its a symbol so I wanted to keep it simple. I do like it and I like seeing it on dh - but I also like knowing I can take it off Grin so I dont see it as a mark of ownership!