The feminist marriage - do you wear a ring?

[TheReluctantBride]

Super brief history. Am in v happy relationship with DP. Been together for 7 or so years. Lived together for 6. Had DS last year and realised that life, legally/tax wise etc, would be easier if we were married.
This will make me a wife... This grates hugely on my feminist principles, (I got a little ranty with the registrar when she asked for my Dad's details for the marriage licence but not my Mum's, because you know wife's aren't important enough....), but clearly that is all just my own prejudice. deep breath
I love DP. I proposed to him. It's happening. (Someone recently described him as my babyfather and I realised that is way worse than husband.)
I have never been into weddings. Hate the idea of a "big day" so we are having 2 witnesses at a registry office and not telling family/friends until after. So far so good. Booked for a month's time.
DP announced last night he wants to wear a wedding a ring "to show the world that he's mine". He is trying to be lovely and this would have been carefully considered by him. The phrase grates hugely. I need no mark of ownership! And if I did it's the modern age shouldn't I just microchip him like we did with the dog?
Of course if he wants to wear a ring who am I to stop him but it brings up the other question..... Do I wear a ring? I haven't since I was a teenager but I'm not adverse to pretty jewellery?
So does a feminist wear a wedding ring?
If you are marriage is it no longer appropriate to verbally savage those who refer to me as a "better half", "other half" or other term implying incompletion without a man at my side?
And on a slightly different tac, what does a reluctant bride wear to her wedding?

I like jewellery so I also resented one finger being taken up by a specific ring when there are so many rings out there!

I also regret changing my name. I did it because I was going to have to prove my marriage wasn't for immigration purposes and thought it might look bad. But that was a very English centric point of view as it turned out. I've considered changing it back but I've had it a while and I'm used to it and can't be bothered. Taking off a ring and becoming Ms are easy

I really was unprepared for how much being married, being a wife, negatively affected me emotionally. There are lots of connotations to "wife" and none of them were positive for me coming from my background.

Dh and I both wear a wedding band. He spent ages finding the perfect one and is very fond of it. Mine is thin and plain.

In Scotland so thankfully we joined the 20th century last century and both parents and their occupations are listed on our wedding registration form.

Also, I am Ms Myname. As is dd. Ds has dh's surname.

We are a very happy family unit.

The ownership issue for me is not about how I see or feel myself but how others perceive me. How we choose to decorate our bodies (that includes clothing and make up) is information to be read by others and we cannot choose how they do so. So I decided other people need not be informed of my legal designation of "wife" and the owned connotations therein. Similarly I know unmarried people who choose to wear wedding rings because they want the felt status of their relationship to be visible to others (I am not saying this is true of all such couples, just the two I have known).

Still, at the end of the day it's a personal choice!

My US marriage certificate has all parents and info listed equally. I was previously unaware English ones didn't!

I sometimes feel like feminism is treated like a club that you can only enter if you do certain things. So you'll only be a feminist if you do or don't do x,y and z.

I feel it often misses the point and that there are many feminists who seek validation from other feminists to know if they are doing it right.

Here's the answer, you ate a woman with your own mind. You have a partner whom you love. If you want to wear a ring to symbolize your marriage then do so. You don't have to rationalize it or justify it. You are free to make your own decisions and on matters like this you should only follow your own heart.

I hope you have a long, happy and healthy marriage.

Unfortunate typo, you ARE a woman, not ate

Feelings are not fact though are they?

I find feminist viewpoints interesting and thoughtful and they spark considerations I hadn't previously thought about. I suppose if you're heavily influenced by social norms you could feel as if you need the back up of others who think the same or have had the same dilemmas and there is nothing wrong with that.

There is also truly nothing wrong with thinking more deeply/widely about social norms/conventions.

I agree that there's nothing wrong with thinking outside of social norms, but the OP reads like a question of whether she will still be a feminist if she wears a wedding ring. That, to me, seems to be a sign of internalised oppression. On issues of what one wears on their own fourth finger, one should have the confidence in their own values to know that it will have no bearing on how much a feminist (or not) you are.

I don't assume a woman wearing a ring on her left ring finger is married merely that she likes jewellery and if she's my age sausage fingers limit the choice of fingers rings fit.

I love jewellery and have always worn rings. As a teenager one on every finger apart from thumb.

Now pinkie rings are too men who wear blazers and work in the motortrade and rings on thumb and index finger are a little too teenage goth /heavy metal fan. That only leaves 4 fingers.

My wedding ring is on my right hand along with whatever ring set with a stone takes my fancy. It just feels more comfortable on that finger.

On my left ring finger I have a Victorian diamond and opal ring which my husband bought when our son was born. In a previous discussion on the politics of rings in one of the general forums I was told that ring is"my prize for breeding" Charming

As a lifelong feminist I also find feminist views interesting and thoughtful. It makes one think about the context in which you make decisions.

However, I would never let whether something was considered a feminist action or not, dictate such a decision as to whether to wear a ring.

If you do, you are merely exchanging one set of pressures (society's) for another (feminism's).

Grimble, you have articulated my point exactly. As a feminist, I don't want to ask other feminists am I doing this right? I don't want to seek validation on issues I am empowered to make. I chose to wear a wedding ring and feel no less a woman or a feminist by doing so, no matter who would argue otherwise.

But what if you don't feel empowered to make them?

I am constantly told in real life that I think too much, that gender is innate and that things like wearing a wedding ring is obsessing over the little things. Mostly I think fuck them. I can do that because I've done enough feminist reading that I feel confident in my own decisions. When this board first came into existence I was nowhere near so confident in my views and did indeed wonder what made me a feminist, especially as a married "sahm"

We are on different points in our journey and I don't think people should basically be told they should have confidence in themselves, especially in a world where women are encouraged to not be confident in themselves but to rely on others measuring their worth.

I think it's interesting to gather opinions to help you decide what you think/want to do.

We started off by both wearing rings, but I rarely wear mine now, whereas he still does.

Our legal wedding was just us and parents. I wore a red knee length dress and black thigh boots (after OH said I should make more effort than just wearing jeans).

It's all so individual, do/wear what makes you comfortable.

Antiquity, that is a really interesting point and one I hadn't thought of in that way before. But I still feel that if we swap our sense of validation from men to other women, even other feminists, we haven't really progressed. I agree that feminist spaces, thoughts and ideologies must exist. I have benefited greatly from the fact that they do. Yet I find it more than a little sad that someone feels like they almost have to ask if it's ok to wear a wedding ring. It conjures up images of a feminist club with a bouncer at the door checking your hand for wedding rings before they allow you to enter.

I may be supposing that the end goal-where everyone feels that they are able to make their own decisions,freely without a gender bias is already here and your post brings it home that maybe we aren't there just yet.

I had a plain one and I did wear it until I lost it

Lovely, I do agree about the validation issue. I think this might link to something brought up on another thread about moving through feminisms. At my most questioning and desiring for approval I was a liberal feminist, I'm probably radical these days which has given me confidence in myself and I'm way less judgmental of other women's choices or how they personally choose to navigate the patriarchy.

I'm not saying it's that path for everyone or being an a-fem equals b, but there is certainly going to be a transition period and I guess the question is if not then why not? Is it lack of confidence or feminist "police" or other things or all things?

OP, do let us know what you decide to wear. DP and I are marrying in the summer. Registry office, then I think we are going out for dinner. We have told a handful of people and said they can come if they like, but they don't have to. I'd rather it just be us, 15 minutes in and out and then back home to my joggers, but DP feels unable to not invite family.

I am also wondering what to wear. Honestly given my own choice, I would be jeans and a jumper, I'm very unsure if I should make more of an effort because it's expected. Which is silly, I know.

Thanks pft - will let you know. Looked in a few shop windows today which reminded me that we are skint and perhaps I have better things to spend my money on, symbol of love or not!

So interesting to read everyone's opinions. Never thought of myself as being 'internally repressed' before!!
I complete agree with the do what the fuck you like argument (I'm paraphrasing) and I will do but I find asking on mumsnet really useful as I can't really chew the cud in rl on this issue without being rather impolite to my married friends who had big weddings, changed their names and have no idea what I'm on about. It took me years to realise that many many people don't feel extremely emotional/
angry about the thins I do.
(changing their name or their partner driving the car because he's the man, or the 1 year old girl wearing a top declaring when she grows up she wants to be a
Princess. Etc
Etc) These things make me very angry and it's taken a while to learn that that's my things and it's often not ok to verbalise my feelings on such things in rl!

We are on different points in our journey and I don't think people should basically be told they should have confidence in themselves, especially in a world where women are encouraged to not be confident in themselves but to rely on others measuring their worth

I find that a pretty depressing statement. I disagree with a lot of the givens on here but feminism should be about telling women they should have confidence to be themselves.

I actually find the OP''s question a bit depressing- the decision whether or not to wear a small piece of jewellery should not have to be validated by any one .

Well taken as a stand alone statement rather than contextually in a conversation it is definitely depressing!

But then I find it depressing when women tell other women that aspects of living life as a woman are too small to be concerned with.

A ring is tiny. The designation of "wife" is not.

I wear a ring but it's because I choose to. No-one should decide for you if you should wear a ring or not. I agree with grimble about exchanging society's view for that of feminists.

I did have a few ideological problems around getting married again, mostly around changing my name, my perception that I was losing my identity and being 'x's wife' rather than myself. It was all a bit troublesome for a while because I wasn't handling it well, but DH was incredibly lovely about it all and did everything he could to help.

I wear a ring. I hate it. It irritates the fuck out of me in several ways. I do it to please my partner & family. He doesn't have the same compunction toward me. I wonder why that is?

There I've said it. Possibly I shouldn't be on this thread .

I'll leave now. Handing my feminist card in at the door.

Why not keep the card and take off the ring?