A really self-indulgent thread about sexuality and feminism and whether it's just me.

[NotAnotherFuckingNamechange]

As the title says. I've NC because my usual name(s) are both pretty obvious, but if you're especially keen to figure it out PM me - I just don't want to die of shame by having this memorialised on the net.

So, my totally non-identifying (!) backstory. I'm bisexual, I've been out since I was in my teens. I've been in relationships with men because, frankly, it's a damn sight easier. Only, I've got more and more into feminism. I have had quite a lot of conversations, some of them with people on here, where people say that if they weren't with their current (male) partner, they don't know if they'd seek out another male partner - not because we don't like men, but because it is stressful.

I wondered if anyone would like to talk about that?

I'm currently single, and dating, and I keep on thinking, wow, I really don't want to go through the hassle of coping with someone else's male ego. Which feels horribly bigoted of me.

I must admit I also feel faintly embarrassed to be doing a teenage 'questioning my identity' because, for goodness' sake, I've been out for more than half my life and it really shouldn't feel as if I have to explain myself. And yet, I do.

Please patronize me gently, keep the eye rolling to yourselves, etc.

But I suppose it would depend what that identification was comprised of. Shared experiences? In which case you might always be thinking what if, what if...

I can only speak for myself. But shared experiences, yes, also placing a higher value on the degree that women are prepared to go out of their way to support each other because they empathise with the situation their friends are in. A new approach to community perhaps and for me anyway my body responds differently to sex after childbirth and a long tiring day with little ones. Its the old cliche about preferring a slow gentle hand to the thrusting stuff! But I am sure lots of women are different!

Part of this issue is the modern society's expectation that one should achieve sexual fulfilment, romantic love, mutual emotional support, fun times, co-parenting, and shared everyday life all with one person, isn't it.

It's great if it works out like that but for a lot of people it just doesn't, and I think we should be much more realistic in accepting that people get different things from different relationships at different times. 50 or 100 years ago I think it was much more normal to have very, very close female friendships and for one's husband to not necessarily to be the centre of one's emotional life. (Would be interested to read some research on this, actually.)

So maybe it isn't fluidity rather it's a form of self-defence and a reflection of it taking most women longer than the average man to feel properly independent (in a self-actualisation sense) in the world?

I think that may very well be true. It's put into words something I was struggling to think about, which is that I think I am feeling unsettled partly because I tend to think of myself as a reasonably 'sorted' person and I don't like the idea that I've taken this long to feel independent enough for dating women to be thinkable. But, it is true. As is your point about women being conditioned to accept something not quite right.

I think this is a huge issue with relationships in general, isn't it? I met my ex before I 'met' MN feminism, and MN is really the only context I had for people divorcing. I don't mean I didn't know divorced people, but I'd never seen someone go through the process. The LTB response gets a lot of flack, but actually, it is really positive to have people remind you that you do not have to put up with a less-than-perfect relationship, and that it is actually up to you to decide what you think isn't worth it, even if that relationship looks good on paper.

One of the very few things I actually like about queer theory is that it talks about structure and disruption. Basically, the idea is that there is a structure to your lifetime if you're straight, and it's mapped out: you grow up, you get married, you have children, they grow up, get married, have children ...

I think not having that narrative is part of what is difficult here. Because it was occurring to me the other day that when I meet men, I have this whole social context for deciding whether I'm attracted to them and guessing whether they're attracted to me, whereas even though I knew I was attracted to women fairly early on, the experiences are more discontinuous, because society doesn't keep pushing you to define interactions with the same sex as sexual.

Personal preference also comes into play in that regard I think. Some people are ok with lack of structure and uncertainty, others really don't like it.