Feminist Pub 14: The Bluestocking, a place for feminist chat and feminists to chat

[YonicScrewdriver]

Welcome!

This is the 14th incarnation of the Pub and is meant as a place to drop by with random thoughts and meandering chats, on feminist or other related themes. Anything you want to mull over but not necessarily start a thread about. Alternatively, flop onto the chaise lounges with some

We have a pub goat, a feminist cannon for firing at crazy sexists and a variety of drinks and snacks. And stools/bar counters at female friendly heights. And a crèche in the back somewhere

Will link the last pub in the next post!

I think it is simply that a positive overpowers a negative.
If you like silence and your roommate likes music, (s)he will interpret the silence as a gap waiting for the radio to be put on. If you had the radio on already, you might have an argument about what station to listen to, but the other person can't just come in and put their music on as they do when they fail to understand that the silence - the negative space - does in fact have value to in itself.

Similarly, tidiness and physical space has an absolute value to some, but the lack of some blocking / holding device in it allows it to be interpreted as "empty space potentially for my stuff".

In the dim and distant past (my childhood) women were always using a very proprietorial possessive pronoun about the house and things in it. "Don't think you are bringing that in here over my clean floor." "If the Wilsons are coming we should use my good plates." "Get that out of my larder / kitchen / sitting room." I think that has fallen out of use because we are encouraged to believe that all family members share and take responsibility for the domestic space. As we know this is not really the case. Sometimes I mourn the loss of the Hilda Ogen authoritative "my". My life is bigger than "my" kitchen and I am grateful for that but I really do not appreciate people dicking about in my kitchen and hesitate to admit how much.

" I really do not appreciate people dicking about in my kitchen and hesitate to admit how much."

Tangent, but did you ever read the Spoony Fucker thread?!

Our house too is all joint space (apart from the kids having a room each - why do they get more space than us??) DH has suggested separate rooms but I am strongly socialised to see that as a relationship failure (also we don't currently have another room!)

It has helped me to see how he might feel about the clutter...

WHY won't they tell me if I got the job or not?! WHY?!?! It's been over a week!!!!! It's because they're negotiating with the person who got the job, isn't it?

My nerves are shot.

Ah, Annie, that's shite.

I remember the Spoony fucker!
I don't mind people cooking, just going in there and making something to eat from beginning to end, but when we moved we had a number of entrenched battles about things in cupboards in the kitchen. I only tried to assert two things:

One, that a weird very short very deep cupboard be used for tumblers that are all the same, so that we had no need to rummage to the back of it which is tricky

Two, that the small dcs' melamine plates and cups go in a low cupboard within their reach so we can ask them to help lay the table (de facto advantage also that you then have at least one low cupboard which does not contain glass they can pull out)

I lost number one completely after a couple of attempts. Oh well. It is now a very inconvenient cupboard with 10 kinds of rice and noodle and you always want the one you can't see or reach that might be at the back. Oh well.

But, after finding the melamine moved to a high cupboard, despite explaining, 3 or 4 times, I actually cried when I put my foot down on this and sobbed that I ONLY put my foot down when I believe it is for the good of the dcs, I REALLY want them to feel at home and active in the kitchen, I went to college with people who couldn't boil an egg and felt sorry for them, it really matters that the dcs feel they have agency in the kitchen and they have to get used to helping out at a suitable level as a very gradual thing with no sudden alienating start.... etc. anyway I got this at the strength of my emotion but was FINALLY allowed to keep the melamine at child level and they DO use the cupboard and enjoy feeling they have agency. It still pisses me off that I had to fight so hard and make an over emotional tit of myself over something that has a perfectly rational explanation that he couldn't be arsed to listen to the first time. And that he behaved that I was mad for sobbing when I would not have been sobbing if he had listened the first time.

This is what I mean by mourning "MY kitchen". I do know kitchens better and use them better. I just do. not eveything should be up for grabs. I shouldn't have to fight for good practice as if there are two sides for everything. sometimes there is sensible and silly, and melamine high up is silly.

Oh Ellis

I am going to move my plastic plates now! That is clearly a good idea.

Annie, I am a hiring manager (well, when I can ) and believe me, sometimes you just want to hire someone and it takes FOREVER to line all the ducks up. I remember the last employee I hired, she was a solid yes after the last round of interviews, but the requisition wasn't quite in place, we had to sort out a couple of details with HR...I was freaking out that she'd just get another offer from elsewhere and we'd lose her, but I wasn't allowed to tell her that we were putting an offer together. So don't lose faith just yet! It has been my experience that rejections get sent out faster (I'm looking at you, Net-A-Porter ).

The only thing I get tetchy about in terms of home organization is when DH, who is well above 6ft tall, hides things at the back of the top shelves. If I have to get the ladder out to get some flour, he is in trouble.

Thanks fibonaccin, I will try to maintain a thread of hope...

We keep all the girls' plates etc in a drawer so they can reach them, but they still expect us to wait on them hand and foot, and have the cheek to wail "I'm not your slaaaaaaaaave!" if you ask them to do stuff for themselves.

Ellis,DH thanked me for putting the plastic in the child accessible drawer....

I made Pub 15!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2256369-Feminist-Pub-15-The-Bluestocking-hangs-up-its-err-stocking-and-hopes-for-a-chatty-Christmas-and-a-Feminist-New-Year

I'm going to stay here for one more post.

Ellis I understand about the kitchen use. It's very frustrating. And people see that as a small thing. I know it's not but don't know how to articulate that.

Now that the kids are a bit older I went and bought sturdy glass tumblers and put them in the low cupboard so that the kids can help themselves. Remind me to hide them when toddlers come round!