Amal Alamuddin has changed her name professionally

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I'm actually disappointed. Her choice blah blah but honestly. Successful women who change their names professionally always strike me as either stupid or coerced and I'm sure that's unfair I'm not really but honestly why be so committed to the concept of the obliteration of the unmarried self that you allow it to impact on your professional reputation and renown?

I suppose if you think that a woman is behaving in a prescribed sexist way and she doesn't think she is, she's going to feel judged and annoyed.

There is "judging" going on if having a negative opinion about something someone does is "judging". But in that case, we all judge, in various ways and about various things.

It's only inflammatory if you take it personally. As many have pointed out, you can have an opinion about the phenomenon and the reasons why it happens, without it being a personal attack.

Nope, sorry I totally disagree. My view is that there are more eloquent ways to make the same point without making the other person feel judged and defensive about their choices. Women get that enough already. I say this as someone who has caused someone in rl to re-think whether or not they wanted to change their name. I think it's easily done, minus the judgmental element.

Having said that.....of course, we all judge. I have done a lot of silent and not so silent judging on this thread.

So those of us who changed our names haven't seen the light yet?

Could you be any more patronising?

But I do think that if you have objections to name-changing on marriage you shouldn't create a distinction between working women and SAHM

I've said several times that I dislike the practice full stop. However this is an interesting dimension that adds new layers to the debate.

I have rarely ventured into this part of mumsnet as it can seem a bit intimidating, but I am loving the comments on this thread and nodding my head furiously with many of them. Wish I knew more people like you in RL.

It's not changing your name, or not, that necessarily directly involves having a lightbulb moment. It's understanding why you are doing it or why you are choosing not to. You could, like Annie, do it with awareness of what you're buying into but decide your personal reasons at that time are more important, for example.

If you really think it's a totally free choice and doesn't say anything about you or society or affect anything or anyone else - then yes, there's something you haven't yet been able to see clearly IMO.

That is just my view and one I'd like to be able to discuss without it being taken as nastiness or being inflammatory.

I agree with Buffy about the "journey". I'm far from thinking I've got to the end of it - scales still fall from my eyes quite regularly, I still take new steps in realising where I've internalised inequality. Like realising that the way I take on more responsibility for the wifework in my home is not just "easier" or "because I'm better at it" - it's a political and counterproductive act. Like realising, through discussions on here, that yes, that bloke when I was 17 was actually trying to rape me, and it wasn't OK just because I'd got into bed with him. And so on and so on.

every single woman makes choices that help perpetuate inequality

YY to this. My son has his father's surname. I am happy with this decision and have imo valid reasons other than 'because tradition ' but I also acknowledge that it may appear that way and also that tradition and appeasing male pride are factors in that decision.

And re the legs, I'm woman D. I wax my legs because I like to, while taking into account the societal norms and expectations that contribute to me thinking that way.

But I also look at men and ask "is this actually unfair or unequal? Do men remove/fiddle about with body hair for reasons of vanity? Is it OK for men to fuss over their appearance, choose a particular look and particular clothes?" The answer is yes, so my conclusion is I am OK with me doing it too, up to a point that I consider roughly equal.

So if I made an active decision to change my name, knowing that I didn't have to, knowing that DH didn't mind either way, am I forgiven by the sisterhood?

Equality isn't some sort of nirvanaesque goal that should take precedence over all other human considerations...

'I'm far from thinking I've got to the end of it - scales still fall from my eyes quite regularly, I still take new steps in realising where I've internalised inequality'

Same here - its enlightening and depressing at the same time!

I agree about lightbulb moments. A friend of mine was fully committed to changing her name when she got married, then she thought about it for a while and listened to some arguments (including mine) about why she should keep her own name, and had a 'WTF am I doing?' moment. She decided to keep her own name and feels really good about the decision.

Would it have been ok for her to change her name if she wasn't a high flyer then

Perhaps she just likes having the same name as her husband I can't understand why that means she is stupid or was coerced. I think that's a patronising thing to say.

Ive lived in countries where women keep their own surnames and i actually prefer to have the same name as the rest of my family. It's much more practical. However, I think a nice new family name is much better than 'taking' (yuk) the mans name. I think every newly married should come up with a nice new original name.

"So those of us who changed our names haven't seen the light yet"

No, only 50% of you! because if we lived in a truly equal society where free choice was just that, free, we would see roughly half of women changing their surnames and half of men changing their's upon marriage.

But when something that is apparently a free choice always seems to go in one direction not the other AND there's a dodgy back story (such as the daughter being handed over as property from father to husband) then the feminist antenna goes up.

So, to summarise, it's not to say that you definitely made a non-free choice but that there is a 1 in 2 chance that you did.

And it's certainly not patronising (or intended to be) to say that, because we ALL make non-free choices ALL the time. Hell, today I shaved my legs and put on eye makeup and lipstick. In MessyUtopia there would be no need for such frivolities but I live in this world and I've been brought up to see this behaviour as normal. And, it makes life easier.

Hate the game, not the players.

Actually most of my post was a genuine question. If I actively chose to change my name is this acceptable?

why would it not be acceptable?