School's response to a pupil transitioning female to male making me uncomfortable...

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

Hi everyone.
Long time MN'er, and although I haven't posted in this topic before, I am an avid reader and have learned so much from the posters here.

I suppose I am looking for a feminist viewpoint on a situation that has developed at my daughter's school which makes me feel uncomfortable.

A child in my daughter's year at Secondary school has chosen, since Y7, to live as a boy. She was a girl through Primary, a footballing superstar, and was described by many as a 'tomboy', though I dislike the expression myself.

Most of the children in his year have only known him as a boy and are unaware of his past, though there have been many rumours and much gossip about this.

After a few incidents on social media where children have made comments about him actually 'being a girl', he asked to address an assembly to set the record straight.
During this assembly he told the entire year group that he is a boy, has always been a boy, and would like people to stop saying otherwise as it was very upsetting for him.

Since transition he has changed radically, particularly, conforming to social gender stereotypes by having relationships with numerous girls, calling girls 'slags' on FB, and becoming friends with a group of disruptive boys who truant ,drink alcohol and spend lots of time discussing girl's physical assets on FB. Not pleasant.

My daughter's friend has begun a 'relationship' with this boy, and it has gone further than kissing. He has told her he has always been a boy which she believes, and has explained his use of the toilet in the staff office by telling her he has a hormone disorder.

I think school have been complicit in his deceit by allowing him to address the other children during assembly and I worry that my daughter's friend is being prevented from making a fully informed choice with regard to her relationship with him.

I would just like to hear other's thoughts on this, and what, if any, action you would take.

To add, I absolutely support other's choices to live 'as' the opposite sex, though I feel uncomfortable with the idea that he has the right to tell others he has always been a boy, as despite his feelings, this is biologically untrue?

Sorry it's a bit jumbled.

But the child's 11, there's no one being supported in yr 7 to 'lie' or obfuscate the truth by the school

Yes, if they're older it's possible due to privacy but I just can't believe the school would support a lie at 11.

If they gave him permission to address a whole school assembly then they are supporting him - with external support, guidance and advice I would imagine

I'll always remember a close friend if mine having a relationship with her boyfriend for over a year.

They were 15 so not sexually active. Then my friend found out her boyfriend is actually a girl!

I'm all for living how you want but if you meet someone they should be to the truth. I would hate to be with someone and find out they used to be a girl.

It may be that she already does know, but doesn't want to be called a lesbian - which is no doubt what would happen.

None of know the facts though, so it's all conjecture and speculation.

Careful Patrick, or you'll be classed as a bigot!

We're not allowed to ask what physical sex someone is, even if we're in a relationship with them which has the potential to become sexual.

But for him, he has always been a boy. In general, ftm's d

It sounds like he is struggling with the whole thing (understandbly) and wants to be known as a boy in order for it to be a fresh start for him which is fair enough. The school simply allowed him a chance to voice how he felt, I can only presume the rumours will have made him feel even worse.

The poor behavior is a separate (although probably related to his struggle) issue. But its not your issue to tackle. It is down to his girlfriend and her parents to deal with it how they feel best

I think that she should know, yes he may always have been mentally a boy, but biologically he isn't and is having a semi (?) sexual relationship with someone who doesn't know.

I am so confused why anyone on here thinks that okay, if it was your Daughter who was being lied to, would you still think it was? I imagine it could be really damaging to this girl when she finds out the truth, especially if these were her first sexual experiences.

Whoops!

Don't think of themselves as 'used to be' the gender they were assigned at birth. I think the assembly was probably the school's (clumsy) way of trying to support him in his chosen identity and protect him from bullying.

It is sadly extremely common for ftm's to adopt a hyper-masculine, misogynistic persona to overcompensate for their unhappiness with the gender dysphoria etc. I feel very bad for him BUT it doesn't excuse bad behaviours OR lying to the girl he's with.

However, I must say that dating a trans person doesn't make you a homosexual. Either we accept someone's identity or we don't, and if he identifies as a boy then there it is. Of course that doesn't mean the girl in question doesn't have the right to know his background. She does, if he wants a relationship with her.

I think both kids are extremely young to be dealing with all this and it sounds a nightmare for all involved. If I were you OP though I would leave it to the school.

captchaos I wouldn't care if I was labelled a bigot

I'm attracted to men. Not women who are now men. It's wrong that I could end up with a trans and never even know about it.

Could this actually happen? Could I marry a trans man and not have the right to know the truth?

You do realise that there are a few intersex conditions that this child may have, which may require him to go through transitioning? So he may well in fact be telling the truth when he says that he has always been a boy.

No-one has said that it's OK for your DD to be lied to.....but equally, no-one ere knows whether the girlfriend knows or not, and it's not the OPs place to tell her. Even if the OP did tell her, as her own DD has already done, the girlfriend will claim that he's a boy in every way and the OP will be no further forward. If she has concerns then raise them with the school and let them deal with it.

Patrick You could.

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it if they were now a male and I wasn't to know, it's while they are not yet that gender and not knowing that I have a bit of a problem with.

You do realise that there are a few intersex conditions that this child may have, which may require him to go through transitioning?

Excellent point - and all the more reason for the OP to back away.

I would share your concerns, and the girl's reaction to your dd trying to tell her the situation shows she doesn't know.

I would talk to someone at the school. If they are already dealing with the situation sensitively and effectively, they will thank you anyway - but any underage relationship info is useful for heads of year, and this one has the potential to be very damaging.

I'm not saying the OP should actually tell the girl but maybe talk to the school and make them aware of the situation and what is actually now happening after the assembly.

And regardless of what the boy is going through, this girl shouldn't be put at risk for the sake of him. That just isn't right.

schro that makes me very uncomfortable.

It takes my right away to chose the sort of relationship I want. Both sides should be protected by law.

It's wrong.

I think the school were wrong to let him speak in assembly, actually - children don't understand complexity in gender and to them, the school allowing him to say he's always been a boy, they will take literally iyswim. Not fair on any of the children, and actually places the boy in a difficult and strange position. An assembly on gender issues with him being a key speaker would have been great, although I can't see that happening.

Yes Patrick.

People don't have to be honest and it's considered bigoted to ask.

There is a lot of chat about this situation in the Twittersphere, where trans*women, who haven't surgically transitioned are saying that lesbian women who don't want to sleep with them because they still have a penis are bigots.

Same thing.

Well, after gender re-assignment surgery they would be the gender that they are claiming to be. Yes, you want your partner to be honest about their past with you but at that point I think it's a bit different.

I would still hate to be lied to about it though.

I suspect that the school will be very aware of both the relationship and the situation - it's always amazing just how in touch High School teachers, esp. those in Pupil Support, are with what's going on amongst the pupils. The fact that they supported him in speaking at a whole school assembly suggests they know exactly what's going on and are supporting him.

However, in the interests of not derailing, I'll bugger off now.

OP You must do as your conscience dictates. I have already said what I would do, whether I knew the family well or not. I hope all the children involved find ways to get through the situation.

But what about supportin her? They may not know that this relationship is now sexual and while they may not be able to tell her or her parents, they may be able to talk to the boy and his parents about it.