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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

What kind of woman do you want to be?

85 replies

Elfina · 30/05/2014 18:53

I was thinking the other day, I'm not sure what I'm aiming for. I want to be successful, in lots of ways. I've been feeling down about not having lost baby weight, and I'm trying to work out why. I think I've got an idea in the back if my mind who the "perfect Elfina" is, but I'm not sure whether it's compatible...I want to be "perfect" at everything. I want to look a certain way. I want to be the best at my career, mother, I want people to think I'm lovely, I want to be kind etc. what kind of a woman do you want to be?

OP posts:
Leviticus · 30/05/2014 19:05

The same. I think about this a lot. I want to:
be toned and thin
Be groomed - my nails and hair look terrible most of the time and my clothes are rubbish
be a better wife and have sex with DH more
be a better mother to my DC by playing with them more and shouting less
Have a cleaner and tidier house, I'm sick of tripping over all the shit
be a nicer person, gossip less and be kinder
Drink less
Pray and read the bible a lot more
Work harder and be more ambitious at work

It's exhausting. I don't know why I set myself up to feel like such a failure.

Beachcomber · 30/05/2014 19:10

A free one.

Delphiniumsblue · 30/05/2014 19:10

I think it is a bit late- I am what I am. Good enough is fine.

Lesuffolkandnorfolk · 30/05/2014 19:12

One that stands up for other people.

Leviticus · 30/05/2014 19:21

Delphinium I want to feel like that.

callamia · 30/05/2014 19:30

This is such an interesting question, and my initial answe is so narrow and self-centred.

I want to be capable. I seem to want to 'have it all' with respect to my baby, partner and career. I don't know how realistic I'm being. I want to be able to be independent and an integral and important part of my small family.

MrsD0nnaLyman · 30/05/2014 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBookofRuth · 30/05/2014 19:42

I am the woman I want to be, really. A bit more patience wouldn't go amiss but on the whole I like me as I am.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/05/2014 19:53

I don't think I have an answer, but I'm marking my place. I really want to know this too. Will have a think.

CaptChaos · 30/05/2014 20:02

I want to be regarded as educated, and to have proof that I am.
I want to break free from the scripts I have had written for me by others.
I know who I am, I know what I believe, I now want to allow that 'me' to flourish without the constraints of my abusers.

I think that can start to happen now.

Viviennemary · 30/05/2014 20:05

I've more or less given up trying to improve. But would like to be a bit tidier and lose weight. Oh and be better dressed. And maybe be a bit nicer and moan less.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 30/05/2014 20:07

I want to be kinder to me.

hedgetrimmer · 30/05/2014 20:07

I want to bea mixture of topsy and tims mum and caitlin moran.

Original poster
Elfina · 30/05/2014 20:13

I think being happy with who you are now is wonderful. I guess I'm thinking that, actually, I could already be that woman, but without having a clear idea of who that is, I wouldn't know...

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/05/2014 20:13

A younger one, I am fifty and feel it.

Nah, seriously I am quite happy in my own skin.

KinkyDorito · 30/05/2014 20:16

I've felt this way for so long, but am now trying to re-educate myself. I've hit my mid-thirties and I've realised that much of the pressure on me comes from myself. Many people already look at who I am and feel happy with me, it's me who wants more from myself, but I'm not sure why.

Will these things make such a difference to your life?

It's that existentialist thing - that we are like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and each time we achieve one thing we want to do/be, it rolls back down again and there's another thing.

This is not to say that some things aren't worth striving for, but there will always be something you should be doing or trying to be. Always. It will never be perfect because something else will send that boulder back down the hill again.

I'm trying to feel more satisfied with myself and I've also got myself some hobbies as I really think that creating things helps us to feel peaceful and like we've achieved. Whether you crochet, knit, make clothes, take photos, write stories or poetry, paint, draw, sculpt - doing something that makes you feel good and that you have total control over can be very therapeutic even if you're not very good at it.

I defy anyone to colour in in a colouring book for half an hour and not feel pleased with what they did! Grin

Delphiniumsblue · 30/05/2014 20:17

You get there in time, Leviticus. Just age, I didn't used to be like it.

crochetcircle · 30/05/2014 20:18

I wish I knew what I was doing some of the time. It feels like I am busking through work and motherhood somewhat. The relationship is good though, I know what's going on there.

I alway thought that adults knew what was going on and understood everything. I'm 36 and it feel like I may never know!!! I'm realising I need to make the goalposts a little easier for myself.

crochetcircle · 30/05/2014 20:19

On the plus side I have realised that almost nobody else knows exactly what they are doing either (as in highly capable and skilled/trained for every aspect of their job).

That helps...

TheSarcasticFringehead · 30/05/2014 20:23

I want to make people happy and be happy myself. I want to be proud of what I've done and who I am.

KinkyDorito · 30/05/2014 20:23

Gratitude is also good for your soul - be grateful for what you have and smile on what you've achieved.

So, I might be very overweight, I owe money, my house is a tip.

But, I have worked my way up from being a single mum with nothing to having a masters degree, owning a home, being the main earner, having a career I am good at, gave birth and provide for two lovely children and found a lovely, supportive husband. Also, I fought alongside DD when she had cancer and managed to keep my job when things got really, really tough. I have presence of mind, intelligence (to a degree) and I now know I can face many things that would terrify other people and still keep my shit together. I have achieved much. This is what I need to keep telling myself when I look at my awful carpets and feel too skint to replace them or look in the mirror and feel fed up with how fat I got.

KinkyDorito · 30/05/2014 20:23

On the plus side I have realised that almost nobody else knows exactly what they are doing either (as in highly capable and skilled/trained for every aspect of their job).

So, so true.

Estherwithagoldenpipe · 30/05/2014 20:25

Want to be popular and easy going (and fit and competent, a great mum, steadfast, calm and grounded, rich(!) and generous, a philanthropist, no less)

Am: a mum who tries her best, a bit too curvy since dc2, overtired, taxed but generous, ambitious and clever too.

Dunno, the real and ideal me sadly don't match up.

Until I had dc2 I aspired to be what mrs Lyman up thread aspires to but now I am just too knackered to genuinely make a go of it Hmm.

Bonsoir · 30/05/2014 20:26

This is a very interesting question Smile. What or who is our role model? What lifestyle do we want? What sacrifices or compromises are we prepared to make in one area of our lives in order to achieve in another?

One thing I do know: putting yourself under pressure to achieve goals that other people have set for you (and which you do not value) is not a way to live your life. So move away from the exam system!

MiniTheMinx · 30/05/2014 20:27

Women's magazines have a lot to answer for.