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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

What kind of woman do you want to be?

85 replies

Elfina · 30/05/2014 18:53

I was thinking the other day, I'm not sure what I'm aiming for. I want to be successful, in lots of ways. I've been feeling down about not having lost baby weight, and I'm trying to work out why. I think I've got an idea in the back if my mind who the "perfect Elfina" is, but I'm not sure whether it's compatible...I want to be "perfect" at everything. I want to look a certain way. I want to be the best at my career, mother, I want people to think I'm lovely, I want to be kind etc. what kind of a woman do you want to be?

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 09:50

I also think it is a good idea not to be hung up on "achievement". There is a lot more to happiness than achievement.

PacificDogwood · 31/05/2014 09:52

Oh gawd, yes, aiming for 'perfection' is a sure fire way to set yourself up to fail.
Achieving happiness is a great achievement, Bonsoir

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 09:56

Not everyone is goal-oriented or results-driven - though people who have those personalities have a really hard time understanding people who are process-driven and think they could achieve so much more.

TheWordFactory · 31/05/2014 09:58

By achievement I just mean the goals one sets for oneself. These should always be highly subjective but, I think, fairly specific. Goals such as I want to be happy or I want to be beautiful are meaningless really.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 31/05/2014 09:59

I'd like the willpower to be healthier than I am now. Which I know is only down to me.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 10:01

What is meaningless about wanting to be beautiful or happy? Both are great contributors to ongoing well being (= process).

StarDustInTheWind · 31/05/2014 10:04

I'm 50, I'm happy, I'm cheerful, I'm open to change... I've reached "good enough".....

TheWordFactory · 31/05/2014 10:08

Because both are outside our control in many ways. I am a naturally happy person. I wake up in a good mood more often than not. This is just my personality (my mum says a I was a 'sunny' baby). Other people aren't like this and their happiness depends very much on outside factors over which none of us has control. Same with beauty.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 10:18

I disagree - both beauty and happiness are very much within our control - they are merely ongoing goals as opposed to finite ones (climbing Everest/making a million/refitting your kitchen).

I know some people who are so caught up in finite goals because they are results-driven that they forget about process entirely. Their lives and those of their families are very uncomfortable and the DC have lots of mental health issues.

ezinma · 31/05/2014 10:21

I want to do, rather than to be. I'll leave it to other people to determine what kind of woman/person I am. There's usually no shortage of opinions.

I can't process injunctions like "be happy" or "be yourself". To me, those are yardsticks I can't imagine or realise. There are things I know I like doing, which give me pleasure. I want to carry on doing them, and being healthy enough to do them.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 10:27

Being slim and healthy is a function of process yet far too many people treat it as a result of a finite goal. Hence their failure to maintain a slim and heathy body.

TheWordFactory · 31/05/2014 10:43

Sorry bonsoir but being thin does not equate to beautiful. There are very many unattractive thin people out there. Beauty is very much a subjective thing so teying to be objectively beautiful is pointless. And those things that most people might consider beautiful are often out of our control - great hair, great skin, clear eyes - yes many women spend their lives trying to artificially replicaate these things but they often seem to be chasing their tails and are never satisified or happy.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 10:45

Where did I write that being thin equates to being beautiful?

TunipTheUnconquerable · 31/05/2014 10:46

I want to be one that gives more than she takes.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 10:47

Anyway, you clearly haven't given much thought to the difference between being results-driven or process-driven

bigkidsdidit · 31/05/2014 10:52

Like a few others on this thread I am quite happy as myself.
Having children gave me an enormous inner confidence, I used to be a ball of nerves. Now just being happy and trying my best is enough :)

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/05/2014 11:02

I'm nearly with delphinium in thinking that "good enough is fine" - mostly I feel I'm there or thereabouts. I think that's a fabulous place to get to, though OK to have some aspirations for yourself too.
Things that are important to me are ...

To be compassionate
To be wise and kind
To be a good mother, friend, and member of my wider family
To make a contribution towards helping other parents do a good job in raising their families - hopefully my new job working with young children and their families can help me continue to do this
To be content - as ds once put for his 10th commandment in some RS homework to "Have fun!"

for me that would include seeing a bit more of the world, some humour, some music from around the world, time to appreciate the natural world, and lots of time probably doing nothing much with good friends

pauashell · 31/05/2014 11:04

bonsoir
"I know some people who are so caught up in finite goals because they are results-driven that they forget about process entirely. Their lives and those of their families are very uncomfortable and the DC have lots of mental health issues."

I found your post interesting and thought provoking. Not wanting to derail but would you mind elaborating or sharing how to focus more on the "process" and why that is perhaps a more healthy way of living for the whole family? .

pauashell · 31/05/2014 11:07

I am asking as someone who is totally goal driven, always have been. I have 'achieved' a lot professionally but suffer from stress as does the rest of my family. Am a sahm right now but thinking of the next steps already. Always planning the 'next big thing' (house move, study, have another baby, find the best school etc. etc.)

How does someone live their life who is more 'process-oriented'?

SirChenjin · 31/05/2014 11:07

ezinma - to me, doing things that I like doing and that give me pleasure are the things that make me happy. I don't think it has to be anything grand - as with so many things we've made 'happy' an end result, something that we have to strive for, when it can be something simple and quiet.

Beauty is very much an inner thing. We can strive for the polished exterior, but if we haven't worked on our inner kindness, compassion, gentleness, acceptance, peace, and so on, all the trips to the salon are a complete waste of time.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/05/2014 11:16

Yse, SirChenjin, it concerns me that so many women focus so much on appearances - things like their size and beauty and clothing, as if we were all here merely for decoration! It's something I know I kick against, as to me so many other things are both more interesting and more important.

I also like the idea of focusing more on process than results. To me that would include hoping to live together happily and harmoniously as a family, what we actually all do is somewhat secondary to that. We aim to do the stuff that works for us!

SirChenjin · 31/05/2014 11:19

Completely agree re focus on appearance Juggling.

pauashell · 31/05/2014 11:27

"Beauty is very much an inner thing. We can strive for the polished exterior, but if we haven't worked on our inner kindness, compassion, gentleness, acceptance, peace, and so on, all the trips to the salon are a complete waste of time."

Totally agree but feel like the odd one out for thinking so.

SirChenjin · 31/05/2014 11:34

Oh no, you're definitely not the odd one out

Bonsoir · 31/05/2014 11:37

pauashell - it's something of a false dichotomy to talk about results-driven versus process-driven because all of us need short and medium term goals to spur us on and give us a sense of progress and we all ought to care about our long-term wellbeing and that of others which is generally heavily weighted in terms of process.

Our current Western, and particularly British and US culture, is heavily focused on results at the expense of process. One of the most horrific treatises I read that illustrated that issue was Terry Leahy's autobiography of his time at Tesco. A company's results versus the wholesale exploitation of customers with all the knock on effects on health (obesity...).

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