Is sex working ever 'acceptable'

[neverthebride]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this board so please be gentle (!) but I'd really appreciate some views.

I have a friend who is a sex worker. Very 'exclusive' kind of thing, earns a lot of money etc. I've known her for a long time but it's only recently that she's confided in me that that's how she earns her living.

I've known several sex workers in the past (I work in MH) and those people have been at the 'street level' and were invariably drug addicts and/or very damaged individuals who were abused in so many ways in their personal lives and as sex workers and would not have been sex workers if they felt they had other options.

My friend has apparently been doing sex work for a long time. She is highly educated, has no history of abuse in her life and seems to have made an informed choice to go into sex work as a 'business'. Her clients are big-spenders and she works in an environment where all possible safety precautions are taken. She does not do anything that she doesn't want to do and has made an enormous amount of money (which she admits she is 'addicted to').

I'm really torn on this issue which I didn't think I would be!. On one hand,I think HER experience might be positive but it's perpetuating the idea that sex and bodies are for sale and I absolutely disagree with that and know that the overwhelming experience of sex workers is just horrific.

On the other hand, I think she's an adult woman who's educated and informed and who am I (or anyone else for that matter) to say that she can't make the decision about what she does with her own body?.

I won't not be her friend because of her choices but I feel so uncomfortable with either of my thought processes. Help!

look at

Sorry if I misinterpreted anyones post, my first post was a bit incoherent due to me being in a rush and trying to explain as much as possible. What I meant by I don't think it should be made illegal (its not illegal currently, certain practices related to it are including brothels but these are tolerated especially in major cities!) is that illegality makes it more dangerous and increases stigma. I definately dont think it should be 'regulated' thus made to be seen as a normal job as I dont personally think it is a normal job, even when women want to and enjoy doing it (and I did want to and enjoy doing it for some time). I know I was doing it as I was in denial and in some way it was recreating what I'd always been used to and the only way I'd received attention and affection for years.

I don't explain things very well as like I said I don't believe I have had enough time out of it to process everything. Sometimes I freak out wondering if I have subconsciously hindered my recovery from all the stuff that happened before the prostitution by partaking in it.

Now I have a whole load of other weird sexual experiences to process and its all down to me as I made the choice to do it as a legal adult when I was 18 years old. I do occasionally feel terrible about this and like I am my own worst enemy! I would probably agree with increasing the legal age to sell sex to 21 as that was the point I realised how in denial I was and it occured to me it was not right I was doing that (however it also came about because I experienced my first aggressive 'client', some guy who seemed to have learning difficulties/aspergers of some sort, didnt have any money yet tried to rip all my clothes off, he only left when I shouted for the third time my partner was outside!).

Thank you for the nice messages and support I have had, I didnt want to sob story or for it to come out like that just wanted to explain it from someone who has been there if you know what I mean!

Yes to the poster who said not every sex worker is the same, I agree, there was the odd financially sorted woman (usually older) who escorted because they liked it and to top up an income. There were also women with normal lives and low paid jobs that were also topping their money up. I do not think every woman I met was unhappy to be doing it/only doing it because they 'had to'/doing it for similar reasons to me but I'd say the vast majority were.

its all down to me as I made the choice to do it as a legal adult when I was 18 years old

Please 22honey this is not true! It was not all down to you. Sexual abuse and exploitation groomed you for prostitution. And liberal fucks and punter lobbyists lied to you that it was your "choice". After what you have been through, the last thing you should do is blame yourself.

I hope you are getting some help for this.

I also worked in a high end brothel where one worker (who was quite clearly a drug addict from just looking at her but was still popular because she was 'good at her job' just like the one who would always come in covered in bruises) was found dead having overdosed on heroin, she was only 25. And this is at reputable place that has 100s of good reviews for the girls from clients online. I had tons of great reviews myself and infact never got a negative one.

A lot of clients like to believe if you are good at your job everything else must be fine and normal aswell. I think it stops them feeling guilty because I have to say many were very nice men in general and I got on well with quite a few of them. They certainly wern't in the main misogynists or hating of women, most were family men and were married with decent jobs. Had quite a few who left their NHS badges on the bedroom floor, there were also plenty of clear as daylight Jews and Muslims!

Thankyou Flora and yes I have lots of support, my parents are really great and have helped me so much, especially my mum since she has been better, she was always a great mum anyway and dealt with so much herself. I havnt had any counselling as its so hard to get and have been coming to terms with things in my own time and finally going easy on myself, this year I have started to really enjoy life for the first time in god knows how long and it feels great :)

It is good for me to be able to tell about what happened in my life to people and somewhere, its a very hard thing to discuss properly with those close to you and you can end up feeling really alone at times. These forums are great for that!

xx

22honey - presumably you were "good at your job" because you did exactly what the men wanted you to do. The sign of a good man who is not a misogynist is how he behaves when a woman is not pandering to him.

I believe every one of those men is a misogynist and not one is a very nice man.

sorry x-post.

I'm glad you're getting support from your mum. Good luck!

Flora what I meant was that in general they were good to get on with (many did want to chat a lot aswell) and that I imagine anyone meeting them in a normal context would think they were nice people.

Obviously deep down they may be misogynists but they didn't come across that way if you know what I mean.

If you hadn't agreed to their terms, honey, you would have got bad "reviews"

Men "reviewing" how accomodating prostitutes are. How can this happen, how are we, as a so-called decent society tolerating this?

This is the language we are using. Like it's commonplace and perfectly ok for men who are 30+ years older and in a position of privilege giving young girls a rating of their pliability, their "skills", their bodies and much more than I can bring myself to type this evening (the Invisible Men Project says it so much better than I can, in the punter's own despicable language)

Misogynists in aall walks of life are perfectly lovely when women don't stand up to them

Beware the Charming man is a cliche, and there is a good basis for it

I have to say i hate the term 'prostituted women' and find it really offensive. I would much prefer it wasn't used to be honest.

Yes, I do agree. My point was just that they were ordinary, everyday men.

As for the reviews, I was always accommodating although I didn't do anything non vanilla if you know what I mean. You would put what you were willing to do on your/the brothels advert, barely any punters would try and push anything else. Its such a stupid thing to review anyway, sex. Everyones chemistry will be different and everyone likes different things,

Some reviews are really distressing to read.

Where are you reading the term "prostituted women" honey ?

Those distressing reviews have been posted by "ordinary" men. Husbands, fathers, brothers, cousins. Sickening, isn't it. These are not "nice men". To me, they are criminals.

Sorry, much further up someone pointed out sex workers dont really like the term...I was just saying as someone who used to do it i also hate it and find it patronising.

Yes AF, it does knock your faith in men quite a bit! I would just say there is never a type...literally every kind and age of man possible came to visit..but the majority were middle aged middle class men. I dont think as many working class men can afford it or justify the expense...maybe they use street workers instead.

migsy didn't like the term "prostituted women" either. In fact I haven't seen a single sexworker use that term (with the sole exception of the fraud Rachel Moran). The only people I've seen use that term are feminists. And even when sexworkers say they don't like it, they continue to use it.

P'net has 116,919 reviews total to date.

The invisible man has cherry picked 151 of those reviews.

So that's about 0.13% (not 13%, 0.13%- way under 1%).

a cherry picked selection comprising about a tenth of 1 percent of all reviews isn't exactly representative is it?

Whoever set up the invisible man blog must have spent hours going through all those reviews looking for ones that match her agenda.

btw if anyone was wondering who spent all those hours cherry picking parts of cherry picked reviews for the invisible man blog, her name is Nia Thomas (a radical feminist, no surprises there).

You're welcome.

The invisible men project does not "represent" anything. A cherry-picked fraction of a single percentage cannot be called "representative".

116,919 is a huge number. Out of that many people there is going to be a lot of assholes.

Just spend a moment to appreciate how large 116,919 is.

If you spend enough hours analysing enough of them then of course you are going to find something to match whatever your agenda is.