one night stands

[NeedAView]

I've changed my nickname for this thread as I'm so embarrassed. I had a one night stand over the weekend with a complete stranger which was totally out of character for me.

Up until last night, i was feeling just fine about it. It was a casual encounter. I hadn't had sex since the birth of my daughter (almost 6 years ago!) and i suppose i got what i wanted. No strings attached 'fun'.

But this morning i have woke up feeling very angry. At him. At me. I'm not sure.

I was very drunk, but completely in control of my actions. My friend and I were at a bar and went back home with 2 men. TBH, there was no attraction there. And i thought they were both quite dull. But again, i just wanted a casual sexual encounter. It didn't bother me that i didn't find him attractive.

Anyway, we got to his home. The four of us had a sit down in the living room. I pretty much jumped on 'my' guy and then we went in his room. We DTD... Now i've been out the loop for a while. It was enjoyable, yes, but looking back, there was just nothing. No connection. Very cold. No communication. I can't even remember if there was kissing!

Anyway, after it was done, he got up to go to the bathroom and said 'Back in a minute.'

I got dressed super quickly. Went in and got my friend. She and the other guy were just dozing off, nothing had happened between them. I said i was ready to go, as i felt suddenly very unwelcome. My friend's guy kept saying 'just sleep on the couch. What's the big deal? you can go home in the morning." But after my guy had come out of the toilet, he'd stumbled into bed and shut his door. Not speaking to me at all. I called a taxi, and then had to go back into his room for my shoes. I knocked, he let me in with a lot of huffing and puffing - clearly he was trying to get to sleep. I said, "Sorry, think i left my shoes in here." He said, "Hurry up and get them then."

So i got them, left, and he slammed the bedroom door behind me...

I told my friend that i wanted to go as i felt a bit awkward/unwelcome... She was a bit annoyed because she didn't want to have to stand outside in the cold for a taxi. Thankfully it came within 5 minutes and we left.

This all happened Saturday night. Sunday night, my friend phoned me and we had a laugh about it. It was all very lighthearted. She thinks - and so did i - that we were the ones in control. And i agree. But looking back, i'm so ashamed of myself. He was a complete dick. He's the 2nd person I've ever had sex with. (the first person being my daughter's dad). So I have nothing casual to compare it with. But he barely even spoke to me. He sort of got up from the couch and walked towards his room. he looked at me and said "Coming?" and i followed after him like some stupid giddy sheep.

I just don't understand why i feel like this. I don't even understand what it is i'm feeling. I wanted casual sex with a stranger - the only details i wanted exchanged were our first names. And that's what i got.

I'm really not making sense here am I? I don't even know if this is in the right bit!

I felt that if i posted in relationships, i'd get replies saying, "Well, you'd got what you wanted didn't you?" Which is completely true. I don't regret it at all tbh. I just feel like i can no longer hold feminist views, stand up for myself when I'm made to feel inferior just for being a female, after i allowed that man to treat me in such an ignorant manner on Saturday just because i wanted sex.

My friend thinks that so long as it's consensual and i use protection, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And i agree with her. As i said before, there's no regret whatsoever. And there's nothing stopping me from ever doing it again. So what's wrong with me? Why do i have a nagging feeling about what happened? Is it because deep down, I'm uncomfortable with casual sex? Or is it because i picked a guy who doesn't even have a decent level of manners?

Actually, this is what i think it is. The shift in power. It was halfway through sex that suddenly i no longer felt like i was the one in control. But i still wanted the sex to carry on. But it was then i realised how much of an arse he was.

I'm really not making sense am i? Possibly still a bit hungover... I rarely drink. Perhaps once every 18 months. And these hangovers (and lack of babysitters) are the reason why.

Okay, basically, it is possible for men and women to be equal when it comes to one night stands? Or are men always the ones in charge? They call the shots. They decide when and where you're going to have sex. You can either refuse or just go along with it. They decide how long you're going to stay afterwards. They don't care how you get home.

Or is it all down to whose house you're at? So the 'host/ess' call the shots?

i would feel so much better if the reason i let him be a dick is because it took place at his house, so i sort of granted him some extra power/control, rather than it being down to him being a man and me a woman.

I'm really over thinking this!

That doesn't surprise me. Why would you? The first post on here but I didn't put it so bluntly, incase there was more to the OP than had been divulged.

No I wasn't blaming. I was trying to show that her behaviour could have come across as rude and that it was all his fault. I put it as question because I thought she may have replied then expanded on it.

*wasnt

Although I'm not sure I can offer any advice (sorry!) I can tell you what I have experienced. I've had my fair share of one night stands (quite a few years ago now, it was a phase) and EVERY single one of the men (every single one of them and there were a few!) disrespected me in one way or another. It was all very focused on the mans pleasure and I felt terrible after so many of these experiences. The after-sex part was the worst part usually, I'd find that the man would turn uninterested and pretty cold, sometimes very rude too. While I wasn't interested in forming a relationship and I was in it for the sex too, sex is intimate and there needs to be respect! These one night stands usually started with flirting, laughing and him being friendly and interested, that all changed after the sex. These experiences aren't exclusive to me and are very common, I think they can be very damaging and can affect a womans self esteem and self worth.

Luckily these days I would simply walk away if I ended up in a situation where I felt disrespected and wouldn't have sex with someone who I wasn't attracted to. I hope you will too if you have another one night stand.

Of course I don't know exactly why you feel the way you do but maybe it's because this man was disrespectful to you (I think he was) which turned it into a negative experience.

I agree that one night stands are usually focused on the male and he calls the shots. I think it would be fantastic if things were equal and sex could be enjoyed by females and males in these casual situations. I have found that there are a lot of men who want casual sex and aren't looking for a serious/committed relationship which is completely fine but they don't realise that you can have sexual encounters where you're respectful and fair without it becoming anything more than casual sex...

I really do hate the power imbalance and unfairness in all of this! I hope more women can seize some control over their experiences and have the self worth to be able to not agree to go off with him just because he bought you drinks or to be able to stop if you're not enjoying the sex etc. etc.

What is the overall feeling about the experiences of the OP and others? Women should do this? Women shouldn't? Women should, but with explicit ground rules set out beforehand? Women should, but be prepared for the walk of (gender-neutral) shame?

Or are there no hard and fast rules? Are women, in fact, individuals, who can be affected differently by broadly similar experiences?

Is there a lesson that women can take from this OP, or is it just a cathartic release from someone who had an unsatisfactory shag?

I think that women can and should do what they want, Biggedybiggedybongsoitis but I think that putting up with experiences that you don't enjoy or that you later regret often stems from low self-esteem or having been taught that ultimately sex is about what he wants.

I wonder if ONS's are ultimately disappointing for both parties? Perhaps said men are also left regretting the whole thing, hence the apparent indifference? It read like the OP couldn't get away quick enough. Perhaps people pick up on this, and it affects them too?

I don't think that an unsatisfactory ONS is such a terrible disaster, really. Sometimes people make mistakes or misjudge others, but if no one's been hurt or maliciously abused, just shrug and move on. (To be clear, I am not talking about rape, or 'date rape', or verbal abuse, or having your money stolen by the person you took home with you).

I am pretty much with SGB on this. As either party in an ONS I would not be wild impressed if someone got up and got dressed when I went to the loo.
I have had great, bad and indifferent ONS. but I have never felt particularly like they called the shots. I generally picked them and I decided if sex would take place and often I took the lead.
that said I am not unfamiliar with men who whilst they think it was fine for them to sleep with you it was not fine for you to have agreed to it. I think this is often down to insecurity- they are worried you are experienced and are comparing them. I think men are conditioned these days to think sexual performance is very important (and possibly women think it does not matter if they personally are a crap shag or not men should just consider themselves lucky to get it at all )

If a man is cap in bed these days that is taken as being a sign he is crap entitled and inconsiderate. plus he is expected to be an all night performer. I don't feel the same pressure as a woman. I do however, sometimes feel judged for being forthright.

as a general rule i would say treat men as you would like to be treated- they are people too and sex can be a vulnerable issue for them too. but if someone does something you don't like, remind yourself you can say. Partly because no other people cannot read your mind and partly because it allows you to keep the power balance equal.

I wonder if ONS's are ultimately disappointing for both parties?

Of course they can be. Women seem to more commonly think that mens sexualities are such that even bad sex for them is still like an old sailors 'any port in a storm' mentality. The view is superficial and conveniently naive. I think women extrapolate that a man would always rather have sex than masturbate. Unfortunately as a man you don't know one way or the other until after you have had said sex. There are tons and tons of men out there who have wished they had spent a night with their hand instead. Men are not magically immune to feeling either used, disappointed or unsatisfied by the sex they experience. But, sexual compatibility aside, why would a woman question herself a dull root in the eyes of her partner if he gets an erection and has an orgasm? The reality for many men is just because the act happens it does not make it exciting or sexually fulfilling, even with orgasm.

dad that is kind of what i was getting at. assuming men are so driven by sex that they are always grateful is pretty offensive to men and also completely ignores the fact that there is a more pressure on men to perform.
Also the assumption that they were not looking for an rs. the man in the OP might actually have liked the OP and thought he was in with a shot of finding a gf or he may not but it is kinda dismissive to assume he was afraid of commitment.

I would not want to sleep with someone who had no respect for me but also would not sleep with someone whom i neither respected nor felt any attraction to.
Equality in this case cuts both ways. sex should be something you do with someone not too them.

Oh dear, so women shouldn't make a fuss about unsatisfactory sex on a ONS because it's not a big deal and because there's so much pressure to perform on the poor men .

I have had many ONSs, and have had similar and dissimilar experiences to the OP.

One thing which I do get angry about is the pervading assumption (although not in this board) that female promiscuity is the result of low-self esteem. It can be, but it is not necessarily so; and I think women often frame their own sexual experiences within this attitude.

As SGB says, is a bad ONS a disaster? Why? There seems to be a bit of a hangover of the idea that women 'lose' something or are in some way 'damaged' by having sex, so therefore sexual encounters that are just that must be harmful in some way.

flora that's not what i said. i said women shouldn't assume that they can treat men any worse than they would expect to be treated themselves.

I was merely musing that there is not much pressure on women to be good in bed or to perform. There is an assumption as dad says that for men any sex is good sex. where is the equality in that?
That puts women in a passive role where the responsibility for the quality of the experience lies entirely with the man, and any woman is as good to have sex with as any other relegating women to interchangeable objects and making sex something that is done by men to women, where the it is my assertion that it should be something that two people consent to do with each other as equal participants.

And i agree with point above not making casual sex a huge deal. if it is unsatisfactory, chalk it up to experience and move on and don't sleep with that person again.

So to clarify, as i said in my original post, if you don't like something, speak up...so in fact yes do make a fuss about a crap ONS. or better make suggestions rather than a fuss.

...and I was guilty of putting up withsomething crap last time I had what turned out to be a ONS. so that was also a note to self to actually bother to say as i don't think the man in question was deliberately trying to displease, quite the opposite but for some reason I didn't say anything when i could easily have and we might both have had more fun which was after all the objective.

FLora: That's not the point at all. The OP stated in her OP that she considered the man dull and unattractive but she just wanted a shag. This isn't necessarily a terrible thing to do, of course: it's more polite to try not to show the other person that you are seeing them as a convenient set of genitalia but not a dreadful thing to feel.

But if the OP saw - and treated - the man as a passing penis, it's just a bit much for her to complain that he didn't treat her as a fairy princess. ONS can end with a cheery wave goodbye and satisfation on both/all sides, or it can become troublesome if one person wants more than one go, but the same could be said of marriage and romance. Fine if you want it, fine if you don't, but up to other people to choose what suits them.

Medussssa Why have you bumped two threads which are years old? Both were sex related as well.

Probably trolling. Do you think it is of any use reporting this?

My sympathies, but you have to remember a ONS is two people using each other for pleasure. It's a transaction.

This is why I don't go in for them (happened once at uni and like you I felt awful afterwards). Reduce sex down to an exchange in which participants are instruments of pleasure with no context for developing empathy and understanding, and there will be problems. And unless he's being pressuring, abusive or otherwise assholish, you can't blame the man for seeing you as just another shag - because that's what you are in a casual encounter, by definition.

Some women think hook-ups are empowering but that makes no sense to me. While not a prude, I think hook-up culture has done a lot of damage.

Each to their own I guess.