Random acts which betray how we've been programmed to think about gender stereotypes.....

[HerrenaHandbasket]

....or something like that.

Basically I just chose a new toothbrush from the multipack DH and I share. The choices were blue, green, purple and pink. I always use the pink, he always uses the blue, the other colours are more of a toss-up.

I've noticed that I do this (automatically choose the 'girliest' colour) and have tried not to do it as it's madness (it's a toothbrush FGS). However, I then find myself forgetting which toothbrush is mine and gravitating towards the 'girliest' of the options available. This has occasionally meant that both DH and I use the same brush for ages whilst the other sits there and gathers dust

So what do you lot find yourselves doing/thinking that you kind of wish you didn't?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Good to know. I've never had a garden (I have about a metre-wide strip of grass now, yay!), so didn't know. Sorry, way off-topic.

But yes, that was my thought process and like most of them, it's basically about letting yourself use crappy sexist excuses. On par with 'I shave cos it's well hygenic', I think.

[sunlightonthegrass]

May I ask a very genuine question, as I am fairly new to this part of the site so please don't flame me.

Is the colour of a toothbrush really important? I don't personally think it is as it makes no difference really to how men/women are perceived; I presume both clean teeth equally well?

The random acts that seem to be inherent in my part of the world at least are that: the woman will give up her job/go part time after having children, do the various domestic chores which is promoted by the media (I constantly hear 'mum' on TV adverts, as in "Mums will LOVE!" - why, dad will love it as well, surely?)

I am on my own so do everything myself, I leave a couple of things to my dad on the rare occasion he visits because, frankly, I am crap at them!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Nah, of course it isn't!

Well, that's just my view.

It's just funny that we go for the pink (or some of us do). It's not something that matters in itself, it's that it's something that reminds us how much subtle conditioning there is.

Conditioning is something that applies to virtually everything we do in life - a lot of it is good. It's conditioning (for example), that makes me check the back door is locked every night, because I grew up knowing that was my job - and I'm glad I'm conditioned that way.

It's just interesting that this bit of conditioning says something about how women are expected to like pink.

With you on the 'mums will love' thing!

[sunlightonthegrass]

Yes, I do know what you mean there! I like those oral b vibrating toothbrushes and they only come in blue, green or purple so that's what I use! I do know what you mean about the conditioning though. It's like when you're driving and see other cars, nine times out of ten when I see couples it's the man driving. I wonder why? It does almost seem to suggest that he is quite literally in the driver's seat.

I haaaate "mums will love/great for busy mums/mums always ..." so much!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Yeah, I notice that with cars. I mean, I know there are a few men who would consciously feel that they had to drive to be manly, and a few women who would consciously want the man to drive so they could feel feminine (I know some people like this). But I think far more there's just a sort of unconscious thing going on. I really notice it because DH is learning to drive, so I've always been the driver.

I have a dead silly one, which probably shows how dull my life is.

When DH and I eat out, I will always ask for the wine (if we're drinking), and the bill. And I'll always put my card down. Then we see what happens.

They're usually pretty good at either giving me the wine to taste or asking who wants to taste it - it's only maybe 1 in 5 that automatically pour it for DH. With the bill, though, something like 75% of the time they will hand the card machine to DH.

My card has a gender-specific title on it.

[clam]

With us, I tend to put out the bins (although dh does at the moment as I've broken my leg). I do all the gardening (ordinarily), DIY, dusting, hoovering and ironing. Dh does all the food shopping and cooking.

I tend to drive (unless there's an issue about who's going to abstain from wine, in which case we take it in turns) because 'my' car is the big comfortable family one that he hates driving and I refuse to set foot in his manky little rubbish tip fierce one. I hate being driven anyway too much of a control freak.

[CognitiveOverload]

Heavy lifting done by dh woth good reason.

[grimbletart]

Is grass heavy?!

You'd better believe it. Try lifting a bin full of damp grass (mind you, I doubt you would have to carry it down two flights of stairs)

Seriously, it is very heavy.

[HerrenaHandbasket]

DH was away for a week recently, during which time I found myself managing to empty bins and ferry the recycling to its appropriate home quite easily did sprain something in my hand when attempting to open a magically-sticking-to-table baby bowl though.

I was slightly upon his return about all the times I'd ranted at him for not emptying the bin and how I couldn't possibly manage it during the course of the day whilst juggljng a baby and a toddler! Of course I bloody managed it. It was fine. Yet now he's back, I have resumed my old routine.

Must. Resist. Entropy.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I am taking the grass warnings on board and mentally delegating .

I have a positive one for this thread though.

When we first got married I got fairly narked with DH, because although he's not, like, awful, he's not brilliant either. Your standard 'AIBU to think my husband is ...' with anyfucker being pithy in response. And we had some heated arguments and I read Wifework and so on.

And I knew we'd changed some behaviours, but I didn't think we'd really shifted how either of us felt about it all. Ie., I still felt as if I'd be 'judged' on a messy home and he still felt the level of mess was perfectly acceptable, but he cleared up anyway cos he could see why I felt how I did. And one of the things he said was he'd do the hoovering.

However, I have recently noticed that when the carpet gets messy, it does not bother me in the slightest. I genuinely don't 'see' the mess until DH gets the hoover out, at which point I dimly register it needed doing and looks much nicer now.

Good, innit? One very small step for LRD, etc. etc.

[sashh]

I also have to call him in if I get a jar I can't open..

Whack the edge of the lid on the work top, it will open.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

Dh hoovers as standard (i do do it sometimes but it's his job :o) everything else is strictly gender stereotyped :( not deliberately, and he will, say, stack the dishwaaher or stick a wash on but I'm the one who does it in general :( he and his family also talk about "x's house" etc where x is the male half of the couple. Grr.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

that said I do do bins, and driving is shared according to who can be bothered / fancies having a drink if we're going out.

[HighBrows]

I feel I've 'arrived' in my feminist ways!

I do grass, bins, driving etc...

The only thing I don't like doing is anything that involves height, so changing a light bulb can be challenging however I force myself to do it on occasion. but not the one in the landing that's over the stairs and involves leaning off the step ladder, I don't have a death wish and it requires someone with more height then me

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

That's interesting stealth, everyone I know will refer to 'womanpartner's house and especially to 'womanpartner's kitchen', whereas a shared car is 'manpartners' car'. My uncle's new partner spent the best part of six months assuming we had two cars because every time she referred to 'DHName'sCar' we'd correct her and say it was mine, so 'naturally' she assumed that the little Mazda in the parking spot was my runaround and DH's car was elsewhere.

Cos he couldn't not have one, could he?

Bless her, she's a nice woman though.

[grimbletart]

Re opening jars: If a tight jar is big DH can open it easier than me because his larger hands provide more grip. Conversely I am better at opening small jars because my smaller hands provide more grip.

Boasting here because I have an enormously strong grip. However, hubris as got me because I now have arthritis in my hands and my grip strength is getting weaker, so am dreading the day when I have to give up and say "Darling, can you open this jar for me please?" - all nice and fluffy like.

[TigerFeet]

I put the bins out in our house, I mowed the lawn before we moved but we have a bigger lawn now so have bought a flashy new toy gadget lawnmower so dh has decided he likes doing it

We do have a number of stereotypey roles. DH drives, we used to share but he's a DREADFUL passenger so I refuse to drive him unless he particularly wants a drink at the other end. He drills, I sew. I cook, he washes the cars. We're both good at the things we do so it works for us. I do the majority of the housework and childcare but I work fewer than half the hours that he does so fair enough really. I went away for the weekend last week and I came back to a tidy house and happily entertained, well fed children so he's just as good at it as I am.

The worst case of stereotyping I have encountered is when I was caught by a speed camera a couple of years ago. I was driving, dd1 was in the passenger seat. We were in dh's car which I'm fully insured for etc etc. When the notice came through I signed it and sent it back saying it was me rather than dh driving. I got a letter back asking me to call as there was a problem - the bloke that I spoke to when I rang wouldn't have it that I was driving as there were two people in the front and the car was in dh's name... fucking cheek of it... he was stopping just short of outright accusing me of trying to do a Chris Huhne/Vicki Price type points thing but it was very heavily implied. He only backed off when I informed him that if he didn't believe me I could easily get medical proof that it wasn't dh driving, as he was seriously ill in hospital at the time and couldn't even bloody walk never mind do 68mph in a 60 zone on the A52 near bloody Grantham. Wanker. It was two years ago and I'm still bloody cross about it now.

[BornToFolk]

I'm a single parent too, so do everything. I was doing some painting outside a few weeks ago and a neighbour came by and said "oooh, aren't you good for doing that!", I laughed along but seriously, who did she think was going to do it if I didn't? 5 year old DS?!

A couple of years ago, I was going to buy DS some bubbles. The mix came in two bottles - Disney Princess or Cars. They didn't have any Cars ones left so I didn't buy any. I was half way down the street before I thought "that was a really stupid thing to do! DS doesn't care if there are Princesses on the bottle, he'd just like bubble" but I guess the conditioning of "Princesses for girls, Cars for boys" took over.

[HerrenaHandbasket]

I bought some of those bubbles the other day, borntofolk. Having checked them, I can confirm that I bought Cars rather than Princesses. I'm sure my DSs will neither notice or care

[UptoapointLordCopper]

We both sew, so that's good. DH can operate a sewing machine but I can't. He can even darn socks, which I also can't. In fact I'm quite impressed with that.

Another tip for opening jars: if you can put a rubber band round it it gives you a better grip. I've opened many a jam jar using that method.

Yet another tip: bottle opener to release the seal. Then it opens easily.

[HerrenaHandbasket]

Bit of a random question, maybe: do you ever encounter gender-stereotyping attitudes from other people (wrt to colour/jobs etc) when you're not expecting them?

I'm thinking of a gay friend of mine - she and her partner have a DS and we spend a lot of time together as we're both SAHMs, live near each other and my DS1 and her DS are almost the same age. She has occasionally commented on things DS1 is wearing/playing with, saying stuff like 'That's a bit girly!'. I always respond that I'm sure he doesn't care and we carry on as before. I'm always slightly surprised by her comments though.

I guess I feel that an openly gay person will already have been confronted by the 'boys like girls and vice versa' attitude of society and has chosen to show that they feel differently. So, reasonably or unreasonably, I expect her to not automatically accept other stereotypical nonsense like 'boys like blue/girls like pink/boys are rough/girls are dainty'. Also we tend to agree on most other things, so this sticks in my head as one of the few topics upon which I beg to differ

Hopefully that was coherent and I haven't offended anyone. I would be interested to hear any opinions!

[CockyFox]

I have a blue toothbrush, (because it was the first one on the shelf in 99p stores) I also put the bins out, cut the grass and do any heavy lifting required in the house (DH suffers with his back after a slipped disc). DD wears DS' s hand me downs and hss Kickboxing lessons
Has Mumsnet turned me into a feminist?
And I don't make DH's sandwiches for work.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

Lrd his whole family do it. "next door is trying to sell his house ".
I kept asking "ooh is there just one person living in that big house" but only Dh got what I was trying to say. In fairness he does understand why it winds me up.

[KoPo]

I find its more other peoples perceptions than mine/DH's

Bins are easier for him as we have steps and he has the size and physical power to do it easily.

We do however get a look when he says his kitchen. But the one that really winds us up is when people say he is babysitting our kids when I go out, they are both of our kids and WE DO NOT FUCKING BABYSIT THEM! As DH says babysitting is what we are doing when we have other peoples kids.

[CockyFox]

Yeah the baby sitting one annoys me. "Is DH babysitting? Err no, the children are with their Dad.