Two questions for you about housework-replies much appreciated

[arequipa]

How many of you can say your DP/DH does

a) their fair share of housework - this may not be half but what they may reasonably be expected to do if working longer hours outside the home than you
b) half the housework
I mean really half, including tidying up after other people, noticing and dealing with dusty corners and unclean fridges, planning and shopping for meals not just cooking them....

And (I've sneaked a third question in here) how much do you think women being in this role enhances their self-esteem and confidence in the big world out there??

I meant the self esteem of women, not men!

1. No he didn't.
2. No.

Partly because of this he is my XP . Apart from when I was on maternity leave I still worked 2.5 days a week, and did pretty much everything.

Not sure I understand the third sneaky question. What role? The ones who do all the housework? How can cleaning toilets enhance anyone's self esteem? I'm confused.

My DH does not do his fair share. He also does not do half. A recent conversation revealed he sees mess and dirt, but would rather avoid both until they mysteriously disappear, or he forgets about them.

This is an age old issue. I'd add to this the fair sharing of parental duties. I'm pregnant currently. My DH has already started stocking up on PS2 games as he'll have loads of spare time. I am still too angry about this to raise it. I might just put the games on eBay before he notices. I'm charmed by the fact that my instinctive reaction to expecting our daughter is to start planning and reading and creating spreadsheets and drawing out a nursery plan and all sorts, whilst his was to buy some console games...

a) No, but he is a load better than he used to be.
b) No.
c). What role? Doing the housework? I dunno about other people but it fucks over my self-esteem and confidence when I'm doing more than my fair share.

1. yes
2. no but as I work pt & he works ft wouldn't expect him to do half.

After ds2 I went back to work pt & he was a SAHD and he did most of the housework (after a month or 2 of adjustment ). It definitely changed his outlook & I would wholeheartedly suggest a change of roles if for no other reason than ability to do chores unprompted

1- yes
2-no

DH does the food shop and all the cooking. He does ironing, vacuuming etc as required. However he doesn't do half because he works much longer hours than me. I have time at home after work but before school pick up so I tend to do a lot then.

Not sure about q3 are you saying women keep housework to themselves because feeling they are the only one capable if it somehow enhances their self esteem?

Answer to 1 and 2 is yes, he does. He now does half the housework because he lost his job last year so we're both at home atm so split it equally. He doesn't exactly do it the way I like or in the timeframe I'd like him to do it in, but at least he does it (unprompted) so I can't complain. When he was working he did do a fair bit of housework at the weekends but I did the bulk of it.

No and No. He will do anything I ask, but 9 times out of 10 he doesn't think of it.

He does far more than half of the physical work, but all planning and organisation of housework is down to me. We clearly view mess and dirt differently: he'll see it and think "There's some mess," while I'll see it and think "That needs cleaning."

We've just moved house because we're expecting our first kid in nine weeks, and he's asked me to draw up a rota of what needs doing and when, because he knows I dislike constantly having to point out what needs doing, and we'd both like this new house to stay clean. And in fairness, pre-pregnancy, my "That needs cleaning," was no more likely to result in me cleaning than his "There's some mess," because we are both naturally disgustingly filthy people.

As for the shopping and cooking: I'll put the shopping list together and plan our meals; he'll do the shopping (and these days, the cooking too - bonus of pregnancy). He washes up, I do the drying. He hoovers when I ask him to, and does the cat litter daily with rarely a reminder. Clothes washing is my domain, though he's perfectly capable and will put on a wash or sort out the dryer if asked.

Will be interesting to see what effect a baby has on all of the above!

When we both worked f/t he did his equal share of housework / childcare and more (all the yucky outdoor stuff that I don't like doing such as gardening, car maintenance etc fell to him cos he liked it)

When I worked f/t and he worked p/t he did way more than me.

When I was a sahm and he worked f/t I did the bulk but he still did whatever was needed when asked as he didn't always know what needed doing.

Now I work p/t and he works f/t, I do the majority as I am home more than him, but he still does his share of housework, childcare stuff is less and different as they are older, so it's more driving them round than bath time these days.

He lived on his own from a young age so had to cook / clean / shop for himself, no reason for that to stop when he got into a relationship.

Not sure about the self esteem question - I have never felt under valued in any of the roles that I have had, if that is what you mean?

1- yes I think we both do our fair share, although tend to have specific jobs, so he doesn't do half the food shopping, I do it all, but he sits out rubbish and recycling for example.

2- no we have a cleaner so neither of us does half of the housework.

I don't really understand the third question but I would say no, I get no self esteem from cleaning the house.

he does - not unprompted though.

how can doing housework give you self esteem? valuable life skills yes. self esteem no, not unless it fulfills your very soul.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Don't understand the question He does way more than half - probably 75-90% We both work full time and have no kids.

FWIW, since lots of people commented on prompting/not prompting - if he's prompted he would happily do 90% of what was prompted. It's just he won't do it without asking and he won't plan ahead.

a) yes
b) no, but he works FT and I don't. But if he does the housework then he does it more thoroughly and a lot slower than me. He is methodical. And German. God help me.

Don't understand the third question.

I hate housework and if I could afford it, I'd have a cleaner. (and if I wouldn't feel daft having one in a 3 bed ex council house). It does nothing for my self-esteem but I hate living in a pig sty so it has to be done.

A) yes, he does. Like others, we split the work quite clearly, I do clothes washing and shopping/cooking, he does bins, tidying, hoovering, gardening etc. Quite an old fashioned split I am aware but just the way it works.
B) no but we have a cleaner who does the bulk so there's less than 50% to be done, plus I work PT so have more time at home than he does anyway.
C) eh? DH and I both do a fair amount of housework. How does that affect my self esteem and confidence? Is this question assuming No/No to first 2?

eleanor - that sounds infuriating.

1. Yes.
2. No, I'm a SAHM. He does loads though, gardening, taking bins out, meal planning and cooking, anything financial, anything to do with the cars, ironing, anything I ask him specifically to do and an equal share of childcare (not just fun stuff but baths, nappies, bedtimes etc) when he is home as well.
3. Don't understand the third question

1. yes
2. yes

We both work ft but seeing as he doesn't bring work home with him and I do he does more of the housework than me. I do more during the school holidays as I'm off then and he's still at work, but realistically it's only childcare that I do more of (and even with that dd2 has now decided daddy is just as good as mummy for most things), he does more of everything else.

a) yes
b) um, would come close, probably 40/45%, but as he works ft and I work pt from home I would expect to do more. When I worked ft out of home, he did more than 50%.