Two questions for you about housework-replies much appreciated

[arequipa]

How many of you can say your DP/DH does

a) their fair share of housework - this may not be half but what they may reasonably be expected to do if working longer hours outside the home than you
b) half the housework
I mean really half, including tidying up after other people, noticing and dealing with dusty corners and unclean fridges, planning and shopping for meals not just cooking them....

And (I've sneaked a third question in here) how much do you think women being in this role enhances their self-esteem and confidence in the big world out there??

Dh is capable of seeing and commenting on mess
Dh is unable to take action against the aforementioned mess
Dh is is capable of requesting sex and commenting on absence of sexual intercourse
Dh is unable to establish a connection between his aforementioned actions and a lack of sex.

Dh's wife may be a little disgruntled today and think he is a nobber.

No
No
I find being a mother gives me self esteem but clearing up after others foesn't do I employ a cleaner. Being paid to clean wouldnt bother me but being taken for granted does

Blimey Eleanor, that sounds a bit grim!

1. he works FT, I work PT but our time at home being able to do housework is roughly equal (complicated, can't be arsed explaining). He does enough housework so we don't live in a pig sty (we both do) but more importantly he does his fair share of childcare.
2. No (although he probably thinks he does). Although he used to do more than me prior to children because he was at home so much more than me.
3. housework does nothing for my self-esteem. Why would it? Hate it.

I was going to say he does bugger all
But today bless him he ironed a pile of clothes the size of Everest! He also cooked a lovely roast dinner.
I was at work this afternoon & he just got on with it.
I guess overall I do 80% of stuff around the house.

Yes mine does at leat half no prompting required!

No
& No

But my DH works full time and we have a regular cleaner so i wouldnt want him to do any. (TBH i dont do much housework myself ) He does things like empty the dishwasher and brings me cups of tea in bed at the weekend which i think is lovely of him.

That is probably not the answer you wanted

a)yes
b)no
I am also happy and have good self esteem!

Yes
Yes
Didn't understand the question

For example I am a Sahm, DH has been off work since Christmas Eve and during this time he has Cooked every meal except the one day I made a bacon sandwich. He has been to the dump, hoovered probably three or four times, cleaned the bathrooms twice, cleaned out the kitchen cupboards, helped ds tidy his room, made the beds. They only thing he doesn't do is clothes washing and that's because I've told him not to.

We have a great marriage.

1. Yes
2. Overall, yes - both work full-time, no children.

I don't really understand the third question either!

We split housework by jobs - so I do laundry, he does ironing. I clean the kitchen (though he'd do stuff like wipe down counters after cooking, for example), he does the bathroom. We meal plan and do grocery shopping together, and alternate cooking (the person who doesn't cook does the washing up).

I do dusting and 'spring cleaning' type jobs, he does the hoovering, most DIY, and all gardening (back yard with pots so not a big job!). I'm much tidier than him, so I tidy more.

So overall we have a 50:50 split, but I do more household stuff while he does traditional male jobs.

I tend to 'manage' the housework and keep track of what needs to be done, but DH will do whatever I say needs doing without grumbling, and will do stuff like hoovering without needing to be asked!

We have a fanastic cleaner, so neither of us do much cleaning. Otherwise DH does lots. I tend to shop and cook. He does dw loading/unloading, sticks a load of washing in in the morning, tidies round before he goes to work, puts the bins out etc. I do do the organising, bill paying, holiday booking etc though. But I am a control freak and would be in a permanent state of anxiety if I made him do it. Housework does nothing for my self esteem.

We have a cleaner once a week, but obviously we still have a fair amount to do. We both work FT.

DH easily does his share. I used to be a SAHM, and was a bit worried about how it would work when I went back to work. The cleaner helped of course (!). He has more time on weekdays than I do, and does washing and loads and unloads the dishwasher. I do weekends. The only sticking point was the shopping and cooking, as although he was happy to cook, he wuld always ask me, and I found that infuriating, but I did the (online) shopping, so I knew what was there. So now we plan meals at the weekend, write them on the blackboard in the kitchen, and so whichever of us is feeling most up for cooking will follow the plan. I still do the shop. He does the rubbish. And any ironing (not much!).

The key is to make sure both partners know what is needed without having to ask, or at least it is for us.

Dp def does his fair share he shops and does meal planning, does laundry, tidies etc. I do more cleaning etc but I would say he def does a fair share.

Yes he does more than his fair share, including tidying up after others, cooking, shopping etc.

He doesn't do half as he works long hours and I don't work.

He wasn't always like this. He came from a family where his mum did everything for him, his brother and dad. I made it very clear before marrying him that I wouldn't put up with that.
He's fantastic now. So ime men can change if they want to!

My dh is fabulous about this.

I probably do more - tends to be the everyday stuff as I only woh 2 days, and he works away 2 nights a week.

But he's fab at shopping, decluttering, heavier housework that I cant do due to disability, driving jobs (I'm medically unfit to drive), sorting out children's rooms, cleaning out animals.

We're very happy with the balance we have.

For me, and this is very personal due to my circumstances, managing the home does give me confidence, but that is because for years I had mh issues and now have a neurological illness that means I found organisational jobs and just being arsed to do it hard. Now I'm caring for my self and my family, which boosts my confidence and self esteem.

Oh I am a sahm and he works.

Also, our dc of 9.1, 10.11 and 12.11 also join in. Part of being a family!!

A) yes, definitely. Maybe more
B) No. I only work PT, so that would be unfair.

We have a cleaner though and I do feel that had helped our marriage immensely. There is definitely less friction because of it and, although expensive, I see it as an investment in our relationship and in keeping both our stress levels low!

As for your third question, no I don't think it does a lot for women's self- esteem. I think it makes us feel like skivvies and as if nothing's moved on since the '50s, hence us having a cleaner I suppose.

Oh, the self esteem bit.

When I was a SAHM, my well being was very definitely related to how I was managing the domestic stuff. Once the children were past the waking every two hours bit, I wasn't overly stressed at looking after them, but housework never my thing, and I felt bad if the house was a state. Probably because I was in it more. And there was more of a "dropping in" culture among my friends.

Now, the major factor affecting my self confidence is certainly my job. For good or ill... My domestic prowess is insignificant.

Yes, he does do his fair share at home.

No, not 50%, since I'm currently a SAHM.

He's good at spotting random stuff that needs doing - will clean out the fridge, the microwave, put washing on and hang it out at the weekend. He's also good at getting the kids ready, will prepare a bag for them if we're going out - a short stint as a SAHD opened his eyes to the tedious minutaie of leaving the house with, and indeed simply loving with and maintaining pre-schoolers...

However... If we're on holiday, say, then somehow the bulk of the shiteork and running around seems to fall to me. Natural, I suppose, if we staying at my Dads, but oddly, also that way when we stay at his parents. He doesn't not pull his weight at all, but the difference is suddenly noticeably more marked from my perspective. I hate getting in from a day out while everyone flops down and relaxes, whilst I rush around getting dinner ready and preparing for the bedtime witching hour.

I don't think it does enhance self esteem. I demand DH pulls his weight around the house because I end up feeling insidiously resentful, taken advantage of, like a mug, a skivvy, a maid etc, otherwise. It also kills any sexual desire I have.

So whilst DH is great around the house, I suspect he would do less if he could get away with it. As anyone would I suppose; it's human nature. I'm sure in his most honest, reflective moments, he wishes he was married to NE of those pliant, unquestioning types, who likes running around after other people. But that's not, and never will be me.

Yes, more than his fair share and more than 50% too.

For example, today DH had taken the Christmas decs down, done a load of washing, cleaned the kitchen and dusted before I was up. I did the food shop and put the dry washing away later. That's a fairly typical Sunday TBH.

Saturdays nobody does anything, it's family day and we usually eat out or order in so no cooking to be done either.

Weekdays, I'm a SAHM just now and DH works full time so I do the childcare but when he gets home from work he puts a wash load on, does the pots, tidies around or whatever is necessary without me having to instruct him. Cooking is 50/50 because we both enjoy it.

Organising things like holidays/events, financial stuff and buying for the children is mostly done by me but only because I'm home more, when I wasn't it was 50/50 too.

I am naturally not a tidy person, DH is so he usually notices mess way before I do and just cleans it. I would find the constant having to instruct a man really wearing TBH, they're not idiots and there's no excuse.

WRT my self esteem, being treated like a skivvy would probably knock it but I'm not and have never been so its good in that respect.

Sorry about unclear third question, I was being ironic. I am at home loads compared to DH. I am self-employed coming and going a lot between jobs and doing admin here. He leaves at 7.30 and gets home at 8.30pm because he commutes 60m each way and likes a swim after work. He puts DS to bed. One or two weekends a month he's on a training course so out 7am-8pm. It's those weekends I usually have had enough. He gets a buzz from training and I don't get a buzz from two days in the SAHM role. I have tried making lists of housework and bring up the subject regularly=regular argument. He earns about 4 times what I do. What I do is creative, therapeutic, valued by people but not that lucrative. Housework makes me resentful.

1. Pretty much. He needs reminding sometimes

2. No, not half. He works much more than I do.

3. My self esteem isn't really bothered by housework, I guess. It's just something that needs to be done and I'm the one who's there to do it.