Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

[dustandfluff]

I heard someone (a feminist writer dunno who) on Radio 4 a few months ago saying women who change their names when they get married are not feminists.

. I have long been interested in feminism and women's rights. I appreciate the feminist arguments against changing your name. I had my reasons but I don't think that's relevant here. To me this sounds as though to "be" a feminist you have to meet a particular standard.

I think this is the kind of thing that puts a lot of women off the movement.

Opinion s anyone?

I agree with Trills.

Why should it be?
I know that I am equal.
If someone from my maternal grandmother's family wanted to contact me for a family reunion they would know that I was equally a member of the family despite never having used that particular name.

I am thoroughly glad that I have kind, non judgemental people in my family like DH1's parents who having had a son die would have let his son have a name change to DH2's name if they thought I thought it was helpful to me and their grandson.
A lot better than people on here who bang on about what you should do. It is like all parenting choices-someone makes up their mind that it is best and to justify it they have to have everyone accept it as best. It matters to the person-as long as you know who you are it is completely unimportant.

Sorry-in reply to 'it isn't a feminist choice'.

And I am furthering the rights of women-I am saying you do what you feel is right for you. Don't let anyone-other women included- feel they have the right to tell you what you should do. I answered the question of why I changed it-but no one really has the right to ask. I chose it-that should be good enough. Equally I should just call people what they asked to be called without giving them my view!

i am just bemused by the attitude that feminism = the right to choose, therefore any choice is feminist.

i am also bemused by the stance that when a woman drops her name in favour of a man's it demonstrates how committed she is to the relationship, and how much she loves him. as though you can't possibly be committed, or love someone unless you do.

i am not interested in telling anyone what they should do, even if and when i disagree with their choices

given that this entire thread is about changing one's name it seems odd to insist on not asking people why they have made their choices. it's not like i am barging into a post office queue to bellow into someone's face, 'mrs so and so? where do you get off calling yourself that?'

likewise, i think that insisting that every choice made by a woman is feminist because a woman made it is kind of silly.

"i can't see it as a feminist choice to take a man's name and lose your own, though a feminist might choose to do so."

Absolutely.

Doing something that isn't feminist doesn't necessarily make you not a feminist.
And being feminist and doing something doesn't make that thing feminist.

i am also bemused by the stance that when a woman drops her name in favour of a man's it demonstrates how committed she is to the relationship, and how much she loves him. as though you can't possibly be committed, or love someone unless you do.

I can't see where I said that!

I am all for equality which means that only 50% of men should change their names anyway and therefore you get back to personal choice.

Apart from anything else changing my name got me a long way up the alphabet and if you had many years being near the end you would see the advantages!

I am all for people minding their own businesses-calling people what they asked to be called without query.

So, leaving choice aside, what is a good reason for a woman to change her name to that of a man's?

Why does anyone, man or woman have a good reason-other than they want to?
Getting up the alphabet is a pretty good one? Is it allowed to say I chose it to get nearer the start of the alphabet?
Are there good reasons and bad reasons? Does everyone have to agree what is a good reason?
Is there a panel-do you have to prove that you are a good feminist to be able to judge? Can't you be a feminist with odd foibles?
I changed my name-I wanted to change my name-end of. (Anyway it is done and dusted years ago).

if it's all about love and same name unit why does onus fall to woman to change?
societal expectations that woman assume man name.not that man take her name
it sends message female name not important as male name.dispensable and changeable

no one is condemning you! do what you like. people are questioning your choices, not attacking you. changing your name doesn't make you a bad person.it just isn't a feminist choice, or one that promotes equality for women.

choosing to maintain the same old status quo doesn't magically convert it into a feminist act

I always read these threads waiting and hoping for someone to provide the solution to what happens when two double-barrelleders marry.

Because if if there is a solution that isn't a quadrupled-barrelled surname OR doesn't potentially upset and offend 50% of the parents of those getting married then I reckon that would be a great option.

my kids have my name and their father's. i would hope they keep them when they marry. as far as their children go, each parent could pass on one of their names, i guess, and i don't think it would matter to me too much which one it was.

my children's names stopped being mine or their father's when we gave them to them; their names are their own. i would want them to pass on their names to their own children.

mine are under 6 so no grandchildren on the horizon yet!

"Add message | Report | Message poster garlicbaguette Sat 24-Nov-12 13:12:00
Well, Seeker, there's a very good reason if you view women mainly as childbearing vessels for the genes of men. Which is why going along with it is un-feminist."
This is why we should at least pause and think before we follow tradition.

chibi, I'm trying to understand what you are saying but when you say 'I would want them to pass on their names to their children' what if their children's (potentially double-barrelled) spouce's parents feel the same way too.

Thinking about it personally I know I would be upset if my theoretically doubled-barrelled children chose to drop my part of their surname when it came to naming my grandchildren. I know I should rise above it but it would feel like they valued dh's side of the family above mine. Does that make any sense . It shouldn't, but it would.

I do not have theoretical children btw.

I always end up with this, but why not have either the Icelandic system, or a system where females take the female name and males the male?

No need for everyone to have the same surname, plenty of places stagger along with different systems.

exotic you don't seem to have a point apart from: I can do whatever I like and you are all being meany to me.

sorry

let's say my kids are featherstonehaugh cholmondeleys.i would like them to remain so on marriage. i am not bothered which bit gets passed on to their children - as far as i am concerned, both bits of their name are wholly theirs now, and not their dad's, or mine, to get huffy about, in the same way that my name is mine, and not my dad's.

If I had a double barrelled name I would drop half as soon as able and I would keep the part that I liked best regardless of whether it came from the male or female side-if my mother wanted to read something into it then that is her problem. I don't like my my mother's name-it is no reflection on her-just very common and boring as a name. It is very weird to put your value in a name.

I would rather be an equal and changed my name than have a DH who couldn't cook a meal, clean a bathroom etc and yet think -'I am equal-I kept my name'!

This is why we should at least pause and think before we follow tradition.

I did-and then I chose to follow tradition.

But say Hermione Featherstonehaugh Cholmondeley marries Tarquin Hipreplacement Tenniscourt, what surname would their offspring have?

And whose surname goes first?

Don't make you any kind of feminist, exotic, soz.

In fact it's worse if anything, you chose to follow PATRIARCHAL tradition with full knowledge and freewill.

exotic you don't seem to have a point apart from: I can do whatever I like and you are all being meany to me.

I am glad that it hammered home then! That is my only point. I am free to choose and I don't have to fit in with bossy women who not only want to tell me what I should do, but what I should think!

If we are all clear on that I will leave you to debate. Nice to know it has been understood. (and I am a feminist-so to answer OP of course you can change your name and be a feminist).