Apparently I can't be a feminist because I changed my name when I married.

[dustandfluff]

I heard someone (a feminist writer dunno who) on Radio 4 a few months ago saying women who change their names when they get married are not feminists.

. I have long been interested in feminism and women's rights. I appreciate the feminist arguments against changing your name. I had my reasons but I don't think that's relevant here. To me this sounds as though to "be" a feminist you have to meet a particular standard.

I think this is the kind of thing that puts a lot of women off the movement.

Opinion s anyone?

Fastidia said 'If you don't change your name on marriage when you're a woman, it's amazing who feels they have the right to comment -sometimes adversely - on it.'

Given some of the comments on here, it seems to work both ways.....

It's like the MN personal attack policy

It's ok to say: that is not the action of a feminist

But not to say: you are not a feminist...

!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and y'all talked about Caitlin Moran.

What she said was that the way to determine if something is a feminist issue is by thinking are the boys worrying about this shit?.

If there is an issue that causes conflict and stress and worry to women, and men and boys just don't ever have to think abut it, then that issue is a feminist issue.

Because either:
a - it doesn't need worrying about at all, but women are somehow being made to worry about it
b - it is something that everyone needs to be concerned about, but somehow it has been made out to be something that women need to deal with

Excluding perhaps issues to do with mooncups.

For the vast majority of women ( in the UK at any rate) , deliberately not changing their name on marriage is utterly pointless and equally hypocritical because they are keeping their father's name.

I would find it quite horrific to have a different name from my DH or children tbh but don't give the tiniest toss what other people do and certainly could care less if they're making a feminist statement by doing so.

They are keeping their OWN name (which for the first generation would be true) but subsequent to them, they would be handing down maternal names.

how come my surname is really my father's but dh's surname is his own?

what is the logic that explains this?

Keeping my fathers name (if that's how you want to view it ) is no worse than taking my (imaginary) husbands fathers name.

As for considering it horrific to have a different surname from your DH and DC, well, I guess that's where we differ.

Personally I can't get annoyed about women changing their name on marriage, it's one of those sorts of issues which I think ought to annoy me, but doesn't.

I know men who have changed their names to match their wife's name.
I know partners with children whose children have the woman's surname.
I also know a "Jane" Smith who married a "John" Smith

If my professional life meant my name being traceable (eg published academic) I probably wouldn't have changed it.

As it was I didn't want to keep my father's name, and dh's name was as good as any. Our family name is fairly mainstream and likeable.

I'm now condidering changing our family name to something entirely different just to confuse uber traditional in laws but frankly can't be arsed with the hassle of it.

Well why is my name not mine but my father's, but my dp's is his, not just his father''s?

And it may be my father's name- but it is also mine. The name tht I have had since birth. The name that identifies me as me. Just as much and in exactly the same way as a man's name. There is no reason for a woman's last name to be disposable and a man's permanent..

Well, Seeker, there's a very good reason if you view women mainly as childbearing vessels for the genes of men. Which is why going along with it is un-feminist.

Because men don't change their name. A man's name is regarded as his - it's his name from birth. A woman is expected to change her birth name on marriage.

You have to start from somewhere and we are where we are - with the names we have been given by our parents. Feel free to change your name to your husband's, feel free to choose an entirely new name, feel free to keep your own. But don't pretend that there is no difference between taking your husband's and keeping your own.

Btw, there are some surnames that do come from women - often when there was an inheritance involved, but also a few occupational names such as Brewster (apparently brewing ale was a woman's job in the middle ages).

Oddly enough I discovered recently an example of the woman's surname surviving in dh's family. We'd always giggled about his Grandad's middle name (a surname, think Pratt or Bottomley). He is SO grateful his Dad dropped it, after generations of Christian name, middle embarrassing surname, and then actual surname. Only dh recently found, at his Mother's house, a sampler dating from 1798 embroidered by a girl with this surname. She's clearly how it came into the family and we assume she must have had a few bob for it to be visited on her poor children. If ever there was a case for ditching your surname on marriage, that was it!

I have had DHs name far longer than my father's name-it is now mine. Why can it be my name if it started with my father and not mine if it started with my DH? It doesn't make any sort of sense-they are both from the male line.
For what it is worth I wouldn't want my mother's name-it must be in the top 6 in the UK and it totally boring-my father's is at least unusual.
It is very silly to say that a name that you have for 20 years is more your name than one you might have for 80 years!

I still don't see why it is anyone else's business. I couldn't care less which name people adopt, but I am totally free to adopt a name without people making judgements and telling me what I should do! I also resent being told that feminism is not to do with choice and that I should be doing what the bossiest women tell me to do. At least no one ever told me that I had to change my name or ought to change my name-I just chose to do it.

To me feminism is choice. I am a feminist-I am equal-I prove it ever day and the name I chose to use is irrelevant.

My name is not disposable anyway-it is as much mine as it ever was. Doing my family history I am very much my birth name and can be found by anyone. To the person who contacted me doing a one name study of course I am still my father's name. I know who I am!

I am also equally a member of my mother's family name-if we were to have a Smith (for want of a better example) reunion I would be as much a Smith as the rest, even though the name I was using was different.

Exotic, can I ask why you choose to take your husband's father's name ?

chose not choose

i kept my name because it has been mine all my life, regardless of its provenance. it is my name as much as my husband's name is his.

i can't see it as a feminist choice to take a man's name and lose your own, though a feminist might choose to do so.

I chose it because I like to be a family unit with him. I chose to marry him because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him-he isn't the enemy trying to force me to be subservient! I don't want to stay in the unit with my brother's-much as I love them.
As I said earlier DH1 died when DS was a baby-how sad if I hadn't had his name-it isn't as if he left much! DS1 stayed with his father's name-it came up that it might be an idea to change it to DH2's name. DH1's parents, when asked their views, said that they would prefer it to be theirs but they would go with whatever suited me-(they are not as dogmatic as some people on this thread!). It turned out DS1 wanted it to stay his father's name which is what happened. It has never caused problems. People can cope, people are not bothered in general.
Anyone would think that you gave up your old name. I went to a wedding recently and saw people that I hadn't seen for years-they were all asking me if I was first name/birth surname-of course I just said 'yes'-I am still the same person.
It really doesn't matter two hoots to anyone except the person-(except some women who want to choose for everyone else!)

I know that I am still my birth surname-I just don't happen to use it-it isn't necessary for everyone else to know it-if it is necessary I will tell them!

why didn't your dh change his name to be in a family unit with you?

I didn't ask him to!

I didn't want to ask him to either-I am allowed to choose!

There were plenty of people in my family with the name-not so with DHs.

of course you can choose. it just isn't a feminist choice.