For all those who have wondered why mansplaining is even a thing

[FastidiaBlueberry]

I think this article explains quite well, the concept of mansplaining and why it's so bloody irritating.

It's often said that it's "explaining something while being a man". Not quite.

Happy reading.

www.motherjones.com/media/2012/08/problem-men-explaining-things-rebecca-solnit

OneMoreChapSun 02-Sep-12 13:28:52

"I was wondering how it would sound if I said something about my wife - the way you spoke of your DH."

Someone up thread described a similar situation where they explained how to use the sky +

the response was that she just wanted to learn how to do it herself.

"I was wondering how it would sound if I said something about my wife - the way you spoke of your DH."

Its interesting that you gloss over the important difference between explaining something where somebody is getting on with their own thing, and explaining so that someone doesn't create unnecessary work for you.

The first case is unsolicited advice for something inconsequential, the second is important information in shared parenting that requires explanation: eg- "since you last took dc out, dc has a new habit of trying to stuff things in the wheels of the pushchair, please keep checking the blanket is tucked in."

I chose a poor example, perhaps. I would not speak to DW the way you speak to your DH. But then, of course...

OneMoreChap "I chose a poor example, perhaps. I would not speak to DW the way you speak to your DH. But then, of course..."

What? You wouldn't say something along the lines of: "since you last took dc out, dc has a new habit of trying to stuff things in the wheels of the pushchair, please keep checking the blanket is tucked in." - that's the only example of the kind of way I might speak to DH.

Do you mean "would not speak to DW the way you speak your DH"
because 1) you do less childcare so you wouldn't have cause to say that sort of thing? 2) you are insinuating there is something inherently rude in explaining/requesting this of the other parent? 3) There is something inherently rude in the way I might ask this king of thing. Please clarify.

Hmm. I suspect we're done.

... he bristles with annoyance...
... he hates being explained to...

Oddly enough, not what DW does.

I wonder why your DH does what you say he does.

Just a man, or the way you speak to him.

"I wonder why your DH does what you say he does. Just a man, or the way you speak to him."

Complaining about the delivery is a good distraction from the content of the message.

"Oddly enough, not what DW does."

What isn't what your DW does? Behave like she has a male ego? I wonder why that would be?

Don't you see, FoodUnit it's not that mansplaining is bad, or a problem, or exists - it's that you don't talk to your husband nicely enough!

SOLVED!

Thank heavens we have some men around here to explain it to us fix things.

snurk<

Sorry FoodUnit but you're really making me laugh.

Ha ha. I think there are a couple of male-ego components to the mansplain:

1. A man assumining a woman to not be qualified to speak with authority to advise on a subject - eg- whether she is an industry specialist or even if she is the primary carer and is expert in looking after her children

And

2. Assuming himself to be qualified to advise on a subject to which he is not an authority eg- feminism and women's rights - a subject that literally is 'none of his business'.

In fact I think the only reason a man would post in FWR (apart from trolling to demoralise women) is to enjoy a bit of mansplaining. Why else do it? They may say they want to learn, but the tone is rarely that of someone seeking to be informed.

They usually sound like they sought out Mumsnet soully to find the forum most likely to afford mansplaining opportunity, then sat their entitled behinds down in FWR like a comfortable couch to mansplain until their hearts are content. What with them and the trolls it can make threads very tedious.

Throws roses adoringly at FoodUnit's feet

No one likes people explaining things to them on the assumption that they won't know because of who they are ( but I'm sure you already know that :) )

It does happen to fathers and husbands as well - an assumption that you won't know this because you're a man. Sometimes the husband does know, sometimes he doesn't but I've had loads of things "explained" to me or it's been assumed I won't know because I am a man.

But like I said before, many men are very guilty of it as well . Mind you - some women seem to assume they won't know or understand and need explaining to. I was in Currys and remember a women just saying to the shop assistant "You'll have to explain it to me, I'm just a blonde" :(

Foodunit "They usually sound like they sought out Mumsnet soully to find the forum most likely to afford mansplaining opportunity, then sat their entitled behinds down in FWR like a comfortable couch to mansplain until their hearts are content. What with them and the trolls it can make threads very tedious. "

Just thank you for that.

I'll offer my perspective - if that's allowed.

People don't see how their behaviour affects others without it being pointed out to them. Men don't realise that they are "mansplaining" because they are just so used to it and they are rarely picked up on it by the person they are talking to.

Wives don't realise that they are being patronising and assuming the OH doesn't know what to do because men rarely say they understand that so there's no need to explain. They can get in a huff about it or not listen to what is being said. Then they either do it right or of course completely screw it up because they arrogantly assumed they knew it all when they didn't.

So how do men stop mansplaining? That's a good question. How do you change behaviour when you don't know you're doing it and you don't understand what it is like to be on the receiving end?

So, the answer was just like a man.

As I suspected.

"So how do men stop mansplaining? That's a good question. How do you change behaviour when you don't know you're doing it and you don't understand what it is like to be on the receiving end?"

It seems only possible for women to influence men currently on a case by case basis using reason and focusing on truths to challenge the overarching patriarchal social structure which validates his male perspective.

My DH and I had a lot of intellectual wrestling at the beginning of our relationship, then he actually 'got' it. He only occasionally lapses. I've invested a lot into him in this way and I've said before that no woman can be expected to keep more than one man seeing this kind of sense in her life. It is massively time and energy consuming, frustrating and disheartening for her along the way. Women have lots more important and interesting things to be getting on with than teaching individual men not to mansplain.

I suppose it is about cultural change through raised awareness - which is a long term, resource-draining mission.

So in the meantime women should organise with only other women where possible and become adept at swiftly and mercilessly roasting any man who mansplains- so he learns to tread carefully in future.

What men can do, is be honest with themselves, to unflinchingly look at the misogyny they've absorbed, to admit the voice in their head that feels entitled, superior and impressive in relation to women. And to sometimes not speak and not share their opinion- to start with.

Maybe others have some tips too?

The teenage girl 'eww' look has always worked for me. It shames them into silence.

Actually changing the thought process that causes manspaining however? Well I'd approach it like any other cultural change that is being made. Problem is we live in a patriachy, so how do we get the resources to educate?