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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

I don't appear to have the typical female experience I'd be interested in what some of you have to say

269 replies

hathorinareddress69 · 16/04/2012 14:19

Not a thread about a thread but on another thread I realised that I don't seem to have had the typical female experience, and I just wondered what you thought (since LRD suggested this was not a scary place)

I don't seem to have had the experiences that some of the feminists have - I don't feel the need to share with females, I never had a man leer or wolf whistle or try to look up my skirt.

My best friend is a man and I can (and do) discuss anything with him and he does with me.

Am I that abnormal?

OP posts:
Original poster
hathorinareddress69 · 17/04/2012 21:15

That's true.

That's exactly right and totally true. And what I meant.

But he is still just an arsehole.

And to say he did it to me because of my biology makes it about me in some way.

And it's not.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 17/04/2012 21:21

i know how you're seeing it but you're biology is just a given you didn't choose so it's not something you did other than be born a woman. it's one of the dangers we face in this world shockingly enough and that 1 in 3 women will experience in their lifetime sadly.

1in 4 of us will be raped.

we really do have shared realities brought on by the fact of our biology - not by anything we do or feel or think but simply because when born we were female.

if you'd been born male this wouldn't have happened.

so it is a woman's issue right? because every woman who has been raped has been raped purely because she was female and met a rapist - no fault of her own, just that.

just as foetus' are being aborted all over the world right now because they are female.

there are female issues. whatever we might feel or choose we are in a group that stuff happens to purely because of their biological membership of a group.

and yes it happened because he is a wanker but it happened to you not your male friend because you are a woman.

swallowedAfly · 17/04/2012 21:24

so sorry but you're in the sisterhood whether you choose to ignore us or not Wink and when women march down oxford street campaigning for an end to violence against women they are marching for you whether you recognise yourself as part of their group or not. and when women fight against the closure of shelters they're doing it for you whether you need a shelter or not and whether you like them or not.

there is a sisterhood.

Original poster
hathorinareddress69 · 17/04/2012 21:30

I get what you're saying, and I see what you mean in the abstract, on here, but I've never ever felt it in RL

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 17/04/2012 21:30

you are a fully paid up member of the GFKAW and as such feminists will be on your side even if you don't want them to be i'm afraid Grin

hope you get some sleep - i'm off to find chocolate.

swallowedAfly · 17/04/2012 21:31

not everything is about 'feeling'.

Original poster
hathorinareddress69 · 17/04/2012 21:48
Grin

I have cookies to bake.

OP posts:
Original poster
hathorinareddress69 · 17/04/2012 21:49

What's GFKAW?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 17/04/2012 21:57

group formally known as women

grimbletart · 17/04/2012 21:58

hathorinareddress69 Don't feel bad because a poster insists on ascribing meanings to what you said that you never meant or views to you that you don't hold and then carries on doing so whatever you say to try to clarify the situation. It happened to me. There is nothing to be done in that situation except to ignore it. It's only a thread on a message board. Don't let it upset you. Wine

hathorkicksass · 17/04/2012 21:58

Ah I see Smile

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 07:02

I'm now going to say what I wanted to say last night but couldnt' formulate the words.

I do not want to be in a group called formerly women or any other discriminatory and inflammatory title.

I don't want to be in any group - I'm me. And I like it like that.

And by saying that I'm in a sisterhood whether I like it or not is denying and belittling my experience and is trampling on my views and my feelings about the situation and demanding that I identify with something that I don't.

I know what happened to me.

I see it how I see it.

No one has the right to take that away from me and tell me I'm in a particular group whether I like it or not.

swallowedAfly · 18/04/2012 07:23

ok, i was trying to be kind and funny last night and explain things you claimed you wanted to understand and started a thread about. i also tried to lighten the mood a little given people had been upset.

my point about the sisterhood was that women would be fighting for the things that effect you and have effected you whether you identify with them or not. it's your biology that makes you a woman and the fact that things have happened to you and you have been treated in accordance with what society accords to that biology since birth. so when women fight for women's rights they are fighting for you too.

yes you must frame your experiences however you wish to frame them but obviously if you ask feminists how they fit with a shared female experience they will answer that. it's odd then to be responded to with anger and to be accused of belittling and denying your experiences... that is just odd.

without being PA or anything else i really hope you can get some help processing what happened to you and moving forward with less anger and defensiveness.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 07:27

I'm perfectly fine and to state that you hope I get help processing what happened to me is offensive. I don't agree with you. And to keep stating that I must accept it, and that those people are fighting for me too - no they're not.

As I said, I'm me and I'm happy like that. I don't see it how you think I should.

I was not angry until I was flamed on here for a comment for which I had already apologised.

I have so rarely got angry on any threads - you can search I've had (I think) 2 posts deleted, one I agree should have gone because I reacted to a person on a PND thread who said that PND was not a real mental illness, and the other one was deleted because it referenced another deleted post.

swallowedAfly · 18/04/2012 07:31

i haven't said you need to accept it - by saying i hope you get help processing it i just meant it sounds like you are still very raw and i'm not surprised and i hope you can get some help, whatever works for you, to move on and feel better.

i don't think you 'should' see anything anyway i just answered an OP on good faith.

i'm leaving this thread now because i don't know what else to say to someone i am trying to be kind and calm and whatever with who is reacting angrily to things i'm not even saying - good luck and i hope you feel better soon.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 07:36

I don't need help to process anything.

I am justifiably angry. I was accused of things I never meant and even after I apologised that apology was not accepted.

I'm allowed to be angry and just because I'm angry isn't because of what happened to me.

WasabiTillyMinto · 18/04/2012 09:23

only a woman who has been raped knows how it feels to be a woman who has been raped

but people are also different & have every right to feel differently than others.

i have had two sex related incidents in my life. i dont feel the way other women appear to. how i responded is not better or worse, its just how I feel. i was a victim at that point in time but now they are now very much in the past.

so when i read what other women write, i dont relate to it. if other women get support from feeling less alone that is undoubtedly good, but women also have the right to respond differently than other.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 09:25

Wasabi - that's exactly what I was trying to say.

helpyourself · 18/04/2012 09:38

And lumping your experience with women's experiences of discrimination diminishes it. I get it.

Sanjeev · 18/04/2012 09:41

Hathor, I think you are coming up against the brick wall that separates feminism from most other political movements. In some ways, it reminds me more of a religious movement. Within Christianity for example, there are those who have more radical beliefs, and those who have less. It is quite easy to upset those of a more radical stance if you don't buy into the whole set of core values, and this can result in quite vicious attacks from those who feel you are attacking their beliefs. That is what has happened here, but you shouldn't let it put you off exploring the questions and beliefs you began the thread with. There are a lot of good posters here.
I can't add anything as to what happened to you, because as a man I don't think I could fully understand it, and any sympathies may just sound like empty words. However, I don't think it is what you came here to discuss. Please keep posting - your perspective is interesting.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 09:43

Sort of helpyourself and also, because I don't feel my experience was because I was female - then how dare anyone else say I'm wrong and it is? I am entitled to my opinion. And for anyone else to say "you are a fully paid up member of the GFKAW" and "so sorry but you're in the sisterhood whether you choose to ignore us or not" that is diminishing my views and ignoring my opinion and it's wrong.

Just as it would be wrong if I said to someone who felt differently "whether you like it or not it's xyz"

Am I explaining myself?

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 09:44

Sorry. That was mean to be helpyourself Blush

helpyourself · 18/04/2012 09:54

Yes, you are explaining yourself very clearly.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 10:04

Thank you Smile

I have a feeling that my thread title was right and I don't have the typical female experience. And that my views don't really square with feminism.

hathorkicksass · 18/04/2012 10:09

Actually, not that I don't have a typical or atypical female experience, but that my reaction to my experiences does not sit easily with the feminist viewpoint.