Can you be a feminist housewife?

[wigglybeezer]

Can you be a feminist if you don't have a career but your DH does, especially if this situation has been going on for a long time (13 years in my case)?

I don't feel downtrodden by the way, merely a bit bored and lacking in choice ATM. I earn a small amount of money, so don't have to ask DH for everything but I'm wondering if my Granny (who was a hospital consultant) was a better feminist than me. I just found a photo of her and her pals at medical school where she has noted on the back that there were 18 female medical students out of 180!

what's so hard to understand about individual accounts for each salary
joint for house,nursery,food,utilities
most folk i know maintain this arrangement married or not
and this is how i chose to maintain my monies and no i dont get money from dp when i was pg.i wouldnt want it any other way

if one wants to conceptualise as shared and/or family money-up to you
my money is mine i earned it. and we discuss the joint purchases and agree to them all jointly

for me,independence and stability has huge financial component.and that is important to me

real you do so over personalise.what are you not backing down about now?

laquitar, that is very true.

beezer - I don't think you sound spoilt!

Laquitar the difficulty comes that what may seem as a 'good' relationship with a 'good' partner can so rapidly change.

Even if not full on abuse. Just a relationship that goes sour and poof everything you as the SAHP thought you could count on disappears up in smoke.

I would hate to be in a relationship where every penny had to be accounted for, I once lived in a flatshare where everyone fell out due to an unapproved purchase of an egg whisk from the communal kitty.

When i hear friends discussing getting into trouble with their DH's for spending too much or going into overdraft because they have an unexpected expense rather than ask for a top up from their DH (It is usually the couples where both earn who have these rows in my experience, invariably the DH earns more), I always remember the egg whisk row.

I think it's so hard to categorize whose money is whose because it's impossible to make a rigid distinction between things that can be valued in money and things that can't.

I am so thankful to my DH for all the things he did while I was applying for my grant, and it is partly down to him I got it. But it's still 'my' money in most people's eyes. How do you quantify that sort of thing?

but dp spends his own money so why woukd it impact upon me
he can buy as many whisks as he wishes hes not accountable to me for his finances
so long as joint stuff is covered i dont ask what he spends upon.why woukd i
nor do i have to account for my spending as its my money.thats the beauty of it my money,i dont have to explain were it goes or on wht

i only hear of accounting for whats spent if its one wage in the pot and wage earner wants a breakdown of specific spending

beezer - Yeah, I've known flatmates like that.

I think the problem is, the good-hearted, 'well, we'll share it all out roughly' approach can, as laquitar says, work really well if the relationship is good, but it's awful in a bad relationship. My ex owes me a lot of money because I thought 'oh, I shouldn't be so picky about money, he'll treat me later on/he'll pay me back when he has it'. No such luck, and he never intended to. I have to admit it does make me see things with DH differently - no way am I prepared to give him babies and just hope i can get by on what I've saved, not expecting him to give me a penny unless he chooses!

I can buy as many whisks as I want with my share of the money. So can Dh. But why should I curtail my whisk buying habits when he doesn't, when we jointly decide to start a family?

i didnt feel burdened or hard done to having children. we chose to
i certainly dont want remuneration,that would feel like a push prize or some such.

i saved and planned ttc, had nursery booked 12wk had it all worked out.an adequate mat leave package and i did not want financial remuneration from partner

is it really so hard to understand that i value and maintain my own financial autonomy

and im not encumbered by what other people apparently do,or the right/proper thing of how famiklies mange money

and too any women are left high and dry if their relationship breakdown. wage earner gone.no recent work experience.no savings.as i said too risky and precarious.not for me

i do my thing.that suits us and me

I accept it works for you SM, and I agree it is important and sensible to think about finances and not just trust blindly - but honestly, do you really have 'financial autonomy'? If so, how?

Unless you live apart, I would imagine there are going to be masses of expenses you just can't quantify as 'his' or 'mine', surely?

you are making this seem harder than it is
2 ft salary
1 joint account
1 spreadsheet of joint all outgoings.planned and actual

he keeps his money in individual account
i keep my money in individual account

im not dependent upon someone else wage.im not wageless
i dont need him to earn so i can have home,money or holidays
yes we share our home,our joint expenses. but if he upped and off id be financially ok.and if i upped and off hed be financially ok

I'm getting the impression it's something you can probably only do if you're already pretty rich - maybe the small imbalances don't worry you so much then.

May I ask if those posters who have the strict yours/mine/joint expenses model have broadly similar incomes to the partners? I wonder how it would work if you and your DP were both working FT, but one was earning considerably less than the other. I would find it quite awkward to have a lot more money at my disposal than my partner did I think.`

x post with LRD, with whom I agree.

no how money is.arranged doesn't alter the amount received
so whether you have ,say,£1000pm and out goings still receive same monies whether or not there is one big pot or individual accounts

we not rich at all.
this is not as hard as its being made out.we live within means

most folk i know married or not have separate monies
there was mn thread on it, v common
always provokes a but that is no way for a family to live response

but i suppose if you dont earn then you're going to want/need access to money other than cb or state benefits.so will find shared money advantageous

lenin,partner without stake in house.you mean unwaged sahp? that could happen regardless of whether have individual accounts or not.home ownership depends upon deeds and if tenants in common or joint ownership

so a sahp who is not in joint tenancy could also end up withno stake

But SM, you seem rich enough to discount - or at least not worry about - the stuff like who benefits from the other person being able to drive, or being able to stay in for the plumber, or whose income takes a dive because they're puking three months out of nine. I think those things have to matter if they mean one partner, or both, can no longer afford things. If they just mean you juggle finances a bit, I can appreciate it may not seem very important.