Porn - I use it and feel bad - help convince me porn is wrong

[GuiltyPornUser]

Firstly, sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, although I thought it may be the most appropriate. I'm a married man, and I use porn fairly regularly. It's not something I feel has a massive negative effect on my life, but I feel bad about it. I'm not someone who specially goes out of my way to buy porn, (I've never paid for it), but with the internet, it's only ever a few clicks away.

I want to be convinced that it's wrong. I recently read Andrea Dworkin's book on pornography, but it hasn't stopped me. I appreciate that a lot of stuff on the web is very brutal and degrading to women, but a lot of the stuff is less obviously so.

My DW wouldn't be happy with me using porn, and I want to stop. I want to be convinced that it's wrong, and how I go about stopping using porn, when it's so easy to find on the internet.

There may be some here who think porn is acceptable and I'm just suffering from some almost religious guilt.

I'd really welcome some advice here, because my DW could find out one day and I want to stop.

It was because as a teenager I was unaware, and didn't really think about it too deeply. No, I've never hated women. I've always thought there should be equality, it's just that as a teenager I could look at it and think that this was concensual, it's legal, she's quite happy to do that. Also, all the other boys you grow up with help to convince eachother that there's nothing wrong with it. Once I realised that the actresses were really not enjoying it, it lost it's appeal. So no, it wasn't about misojony. Just youthful ignorance.

It was just a case of growing up and realising that something I was told was acceptable was not.

That's very interesting, and to an extent, it's what I thought you would say.

You used porn, but you didn't hate women
You used porn, but you believed in equality of the sexes
You used porn, as you thought it was consensual

These are all things, that I think the OP and millions of men in the UK would say (and what some earlier in this thread would disagree with)

Listening and reading to Robert Jensen, he says the similar things - he used porn when has younger, until he became aware of the reality of porn.

I'm very impressed that you realised this so young

Most teens that use porn do not hate women they are simply using it to get off they don't really attach emotional feelings to the process. It's like Atomic said they are not thinking things through and just using something that is legal so to them is therefore okay. To many I guess it is like watching a movie the people in there are actors/actresses and all they are doing is pretend.

Yeah, it was something like that.

It was really the seeing that porn star that did it for me. She just looked broken. I could almost see that she was still a child inside, scared and doing what she thought was all she was good for. And after seeing that how could I pretend that this industry was doing no harm to anyone? You just can't. Not unless you do want to see women harmed, really.

I actually feel quite guilty for using it now. I think every boy I knew used porn as a teenager, and I'm pretty sure that they didn't realise it was doing any harm. It was just looking at pictueres of someone naked, watching someone having consentual sex who was happy to let it be filmed.

I imagine some of your friends might still be using porn, perhaps because they didn't have your epiphany

Well let's face it, there's a massive porn industry out there, supported and succoured by the rest of the media and the political and legal system, whcih tells young men that porn is normal, legal and OK. It's not just that the porn industry is churning out the propaganda, it is aided and abetted by just about every other institution in society except maybe the religioous ones, so it has an enormous advantage in ensuring that it is allowed to spread its poison unhindered.

I'd like to know how the educational establishment deals with porn for example. Is it discussed as part of sex education? Is the reality of the coercion of the actresses touched upon? Are the issues of the objectification of women, their dehumanisation for the pleasure of the viewer, discussed? Or is it hurriedly skipped over as "some people like porn to enhance their sex lives, now let's talk about safer sex..."?

Odds are they still do, although I wouldn't know as I haven't seen the old gang in years. I know that a great number of the men I work with still do.

I don't think it's mentioned, as far as I know, HerBEggs. All we were ever taught was safe sex. But it would be a good subject to add.

The only mention of the porn industry in my entire education was during a class in uni about the main uses of the internet (I was studying computers, obviously). The mention was that it was the 4th most popular type of web site, but it could not be policed to a great extent because the internet is covered by international law, and that plans were to make porn a separate part of the web that couldn't be accessed quite so easily or by accident by children.

AtomicBum

I think your male perspective is really helpful in the anti-porn debate. As you acknowledge, millions of men who believe in equality of the sexes, and don't hate women, use porn, largely because they're not thinking too much about the consequences of watching what they perceive to be consensual sex. There are a small number of men, who are benefiting from the abuse of women at the top of the industry.

Attacking the poor sucker who watches porn as some kind of rapist is wholly unproductive, and I think shows a lack of understanding.

I think education through the works of people like Dines and Spencer and more like them is the way to fight porn

I'm glad my perspective helps in some way. It's just a pity I didn't see this thread sooner as the OP may have seen some of this.

I think you might be right, Rita. To put it bluntley, the viewers are too busy looking at the girl's body to see who she is and wonder why she is doing it. I wonder if they were as aware of the actual figure of how many had suffered abuse as children, would they still think it was OK?

I don't know what this figure is, but I would imagine it is quite high. I know that in the case of street prostitution, a study found that they had been abused by an average of 3 pedophiles prior to becoming prostitutes. I'd imagine that the punters don't know this, either, or else I cannot imagine how they could go to them.

Also, to answer you're earlier question Rita, I don't consider myself to be a feminist exactly. Althought I believe in equality for everyone, I feel this covers all forms of prejudism from sexism to racism, to homophobia and ablism. I can't stand anyone being discrimiated. My views with regard to sexism do coincide with feminism, but as I think it's one of many forms of prejudism that need to be adressed. I hope that makes sense.

I bet you're a riot at parties - do you bore people to death with your holier than thou personality?

Possibly, but parties are hardley the place to discuss this. Well, except for the time when I got into a fight when a gay couple were being attacked.

Do you normally discuss your political and philosophical views over a drink, then?

I have done - Depends who I'm with -

You don't have to put on a holier than thou attitude in order to stand up for other people, or to not descriminate against people.

As for porn conversations, I don't think I've discussed it with anyone but my DP, who is heartily against porn herself. I normally just stay out of it these days when the conversation comes up.

Inmydream I think that was a bit uncalled for, don't you?
If more people had his "holier than thou" attitude, as you call it, the world would be a far kinder place than it is, wouldn't you agree?

I've been very interested in what you've had to say, TAB. Thanks for posting.

It's been a really interesting thread, especially thanks to AtomicBum who provided a male point of view.

The upshot is I've told my wife, we've had a good discussion, I've been reading quite a lot over the past few days.

Thanks to those who offered constructive advice, and I can understand the anger that came from some of you

When you change your nn to FeelingSlightlyBetterEXPornUser, then I'll definitely give you a thumbs up, OP.

In the meantime, it's good to know you have stopped concealing it from your wife.

Honest to God, I tried that, but it was over the 30 character limit

TheAutomic -

I wish you joy, youth, wigs, spinach, a goose at Christmas, music, hats, books, coal, satire and finery.
..... Because Charles Dickens had your number pal

I'm trying to understand your last post in relation to the pornography discussion, Inmydream but I'm afraid I'm a bit lost.