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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

AIBU to be mildy annoyed at all the christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs DHName?

81 replies

BlingLoving · 22/12/2010 10:10

I could put this in AIBU but know that I'd just get a whole lot of "yes, YABU" and I'd like considered opinions! Grin

I briefly, for about 2 weeks, thought I would change my name. But then didn't and made it clear to everyone I hadn't. I have had just ONE christmas card addressed to DH and me by our correct names and it's starting to piss me off.

Part of me thinks I'm being silly, but mostly, I just think it surely is not that hard? Before we were married no one had any problems addressing cards and letters to DH Surname and Bling Loving or even Mr DH Surname and Ms Bling Loving.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 22/12/2010 10:12

I got this after I got married (from friends who thought it was sweet).

They have since (kind of) reverted as it is clear I don't use DH's name.

It makes me feel a little sick that people think it is "nice".

BlingLoving · 22/12/2010 10:15

Yes. It's friends. I have one in particular who does it on purpose. I am about to email her.

OP posts:
AGCG · 22/12/2010 10:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - it still really winds me up and we've been married nearly six years. Because it's NOT MY NAME! The cards are addressed to my husband and someone who basically doesn't exist. I think the worst ones are to "Mr and Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname" - where am I in this exactly?

Our son has a double barrelled surname - told to everyone when he was born - so why do people persist in thinking I have the same surname as my husband? Would have thought that would make it obvious.

And, why do people think it's "nice"? It's not - it is blatant disregard for your own feelings and decisions!

BlingLoving · 22/12/2010 10:28

Oh dear. We've decided to give DC his name - I just don't care enough and he does so it seemed okay to me. But I'm screwed aren't I? If DC are Little DHNames, everyone will jsut automatically assume I can't possibly be anything different?

OP posts:
Giftwrapped · 22/12/2010 10:32

I do it because I was taught that it's the correct way to address an envelope .

I've never done it with the intention of pissing anyone off, it's the just the inner pedant in me.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2010 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notjustapotforsoup · 22/12/2010 10:38

Pedantry is so much more important than politeness, of course.

Giftwrapped · 22/12/2010 10:44

No, it's not that. It's never occurred to me until now that anyone I'm sending to might be offended. In fact, knowing my friends I doubt very much if they care how I address them on an envelope.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2010 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 22/12/2010 10:54

I address my cards to 'The Surname/Surname family'.

My mother got into huge trouble in the early 70s for insisting that her recipes in a PTA cookbook were under the name of 'Mrs Mum Biscuit' rather than 'Mrs Dad Biscuit'. She was told she was showing her husband disrespect Shock

I still get really annoyed by being asked 'is that Miss or Mrs?' Why don't they just ditch that and use Ms for everyone

BlingLoving · 22/12/2010 10:56

notjustapotforsoup - are you suggesting that I am being unnecessarily pedantic while all those people who are blatantly ignoring what I choose to call myself are being polite?

I'd have to disagree there. I think it's rude that even knowing my name, my friends think it's okay to simply call me something else. Would you think it's okay if they started calling me "Chunky" because I put on a little weight?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2010 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Giftwrapped · 22/12/2010 11:01

Ah ok ... I've wandered into this thread half asleep. You're talking about people who have a different name to their husband. Well obviously I'd use their proper name Xmas Grin. Just feel free to ignore me.

Dexterrocks · 22/12/2010 11:02

I get this too and yes it does annoy me. We have been married for well over 10 years and I have never, ever used my husband's name.
I forgive my parents' generation as it seems they are incapable of getting their heads around it, even when we add stickers with both our names and our address to our Christmas cards.
When my friends and close family do it it does upset me though. They know the situation and either disregard my feelings or think it is hilarious. I know it is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but as far as I am concerned that person does not exist or is my dh mother!
If they are sending the card with good intentions, and know the score, why can't they address it to me?

minipie · 22/12/2010 11:03

notjustapot Isn't it impolite to keep on calling someone a different name to the one they've asked to be addressed by?

NoahAndTheWhale · 22/12/2010 11:05

Sometimes I don't know whether a married woman has changed her surname. Or whether a married man has. Generally just put first names on a card then.

BrandyButterPie · 22/12/2010 11:06

Since me and DH got married (and I do have "his" surname) we have had loads of Mr and Mrs DHfirstname Surname. REALLY annoying and, frankly, bizarre.

It isn't militant to point out that I'm not called Nicholas, is it? i have even had things addressed to just me as "Mrs DHentirename" - how is this even seen as not completely mental?

I've got used to people ignoring that I use Ms, I've got used to people assuming that DH is the person to speak to about bills etc, and I the children, but this is a step too far!

BlingLoving · 22/12/2010 11:08

Noah - of course I'm not referring to when people don't know. eg when checking into a hotel, there's no reason for the staff to know whether we use the same name or different. And then I'm relaxed mostly.

But when you know because you have been told repeatedly that my name is Bling Loving, then it's simply rude.

OP posts:
peppapighastakenovermylife · 22/12/2010 11:09

I HATE the mrs DH name DH surname - I am not some extension of him!

I am now a Dr. and believe me that really confuses people!

LisasCat · 22/12/2010 11:10

DP and I aren't married, a fact that has hardly gone unnoticed in his family who were all utterly mortified when I got knocked up the first time, and we weren't even living together then.

Now we've almost conformed - living together, expecting DC2 (planned!) - and his family all seem much happier with the situation and have stopped asking about marriage. They finally realised that we just can't be arsed, and figure that having 2 children together is a far greater commitment than signing a piece of paper and paying 20 grand for a party that everyone else will enjoy more than us.

So I was slightly taken aback to receive a card from his GM addressed to

notjustapotforsoup · 22/12/2010 11:11

Yes, I was responding to Giftwrapped!

I totally agree with the OP.

Prinnie · 22/12/2010 11:14

BrandyButterPie - YANBU but please forgive some of us who have only just realised.

I have always sent out cards to Mr and Mrs DH Surname (assuming they have same surname - wouldn't ignore someone who hadn't changed their name), because that's how I was taught what to do. I have only just realised this week when I recieved a card to 'Mr DHinital and Mrs meinitial Prinnie' that I realised how wierd the old system is!

I will NOT be doing this again!

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 22/12/2010 11:18

I think since it's friends who know of your conscious decision not to take your DH's name, then YANBU to be a bit peed off about it.

Hell, I still get peed off when friends and family can't spell my bloody first name correctly!

And I don't really like it when we get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs (his initial) married surname. That actually annoys me quite a lot. Which is probably a bit U.

Bramshott · 22/12/2010 11:18

I have adamantly NOT changed my name, but I have to admit getting cards to Mr & Mrs DHname doesn't really bother me. Here it is fairly easily balanced out by the ones to Mr & Mrs Myname which is quite nice. DH is happy to answer to Mr Bramshott even though it's not his name !

LadyBiscuit · 22/12/2010 11:45

LisasCat - one of my friends used to get cards from her MIL before she and her DP married which said 'Dear Sonsname and (DIL's name) - her name was always in brackets :o

Once they married, she was promoted out of the brackets.

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