AIBU to be mildy annoyed at all the christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs DHName?

[BlingLoving]

I could put this in AIBU but know that I'd just get a whole lot of "yes, YABU" and I'd like considered opinions!

I briefly, for about 2 weeks, thought I would change my name. But then didn't and made it clear to everyone I hadn't. I have had just ONE christmas card addressed to DH and me by our correct names and it's starting to piss me off.

Part of me thinks I'm being silly, but mostly, I just think it surely is not that hard? Before we were married no one had any problems addressing cards and letters to DH Surname and Bling Loving or even Mr DH Surname and Ms Bling Loving.

Well, OK, I see your point but maybe don't direct it at Christmas cards, more just at addressing in general!

'Fucking enraged' doesn't sound ideal at Christmas, if possible to avoid.

YABU and very self-important. Seriously, when people marry, it is odds on that their surname has been changed to that of their husbands'.
Who the hell has time to check out if every single person they send a card to at Christmas has/hasn't changed their name?
If you really ARE offended, might I suggest you get a grip and think, 'If will not get seriously wound up about this. Instead, I shall have a very polite word with the sender as tactfully as I possibly can'.
But to expect everybody to somehow know you haven't changed your surname is just so arrogant when it is what the vast majority do upon marriage.
Don't like conventions of marriage, don't get married! The vast majority of legal/financial protections can be gained via the drawing up of wills and so on.

Human nature is such that making a big deal over something like this (remember, the sender does not mean harm) will either:
a, Make them strike you off their Christmas card list. Christmas is a stressful time for most and most people can't be doing with the hassle.
b, If they are of a malicious mind, guarantee that you will be addressed as 'Mrs husband's name' for ever more just to pee you off.
A polite word is the way forward if you want to avoid this.

Marantha - for the record, elderly relatives with whom I have not had this conversation I have no issue with sending me Mrs DH's name cards. but friends, with whom I have discussed it in detail and who I thought respected my desires and choices I have no time for if they still can't get it right.

And no, it's not self important. It is my name. I have politely reminded a few people over the last few days and have been surprised by the responses which have varied from "oh god, sorry, we keep forgetting" to "Oh, I definitely will only ever call you Mrs DHName from now on" because apparently that's their right. Anyone who has said that will be getting things in the mail from me addressing them by what I think their name should be.

it's pretty stupid I think to say someone who cares about being addressed by their own name, is being self important! Of the 3 couple i know who have got married in the past year, only one woman has changed her surname to her new husbands ame so actually, in my experience, it makes more sense to assume recently married women do not change their name. no one is suggesting making a big deal of it either.

I like some parts of getting married but not the old fashioned sexist other parts. Some of which have been ditched ages ago (like the brides dad paying the groom off) and some still need to be worked on. get over it, things change.

marantha, you're assuming too much there.

Some people do do it to annoy, or to impose their views. My mum certainly has no reason to use a form of address that is incorrect for both me, and DH. She did it, then drew attention to it on the card and on the phone. That does not sound like someone who is simply ignorant and a bit out of touch, but means well.

It's more old fashioned in Scotland to keep your own surname, women here traditionally didn't change theirs on marriage because kinship networks were so important.

Some of the people who send cards to Mr and Mrs DHInitial DH surname (grr. DH initial particularly irritates me and would do even if i had taken his surname) have actually written me cheques before which I have had to return as 'Beveridge DH surname' is not the name of my account. I thought this might have made it more memorable....

this is my first married christmas and although i've not changed my name the mr&mrs dhname cards do not bother me at all.

i consider mrs dhname to be a title, not 'my name' as it were but a label i wear a bit like 'sister' or 'aunt' or 'daughter'.

Funny - DH and I get all kinds of cheques paid to us under all sorts of variants of our single/married names (we are both double barrelled and I never took his name), and it has never been a problem. Maybe you need to switch banks.

I would not waste a single second on worrying about the name on a Christmas card enevelope. DH and I are addressed as Mr and Mrs DHname, Mr and MrsMyname, Dr and Dr Mixednames. Our names also lend themselves to mis-spellings. So what?

In the interests of the environment, just don't send any cards at all, and this will solve the problem. I either email friends and relatives or ring them up to wish them a happy christmas, etc. More personal to actually speak to them anyway, and email can be addressed to Sue and Tom or whatever as opposed to Mr/Mrs/Ms Smith.

TBH, I never took the cheques in - never occured to me for a second they would pay it in as, after all, it wasn't the name on the account.

Actually, I find that a bit worrying that bank staff will pay any old thing in!

I find it a huge relief. If they didn't, DH and I would have far less money. If they were letting any old person take money out of our account then we might start to worry...

I have taken my husband's surname and I still don't like being called Mrs DH first name, our surname. I feel I gave up enough when I took his surname name. I want to keep my first name!!! I've noticed its only relatives aged 60+ that do this. My friends address me as my first name and my surname or "surname family".

I loathe the practice and feel particularly wound up when his mother addresses cards to us like this. I feel like I've completely disappeared.

It would drive me mad. To me, it assumes his identity is more important that his wife's/partner's. It's an old tradition and one that is becoming less common amongst my peers. I never assume that a friend has taken her husband's name upon marriage now.

And even if they had, to address someone as 'Mr and Mrs hisinitial hisname' is just so 1950's. It may be a small thing but it still indicates women's relative position to men in the world still - not even equal enough to warrant her own title on an envelope.

JessinAvalon, If I were cohabiting it WOULD pee me off immensely to be addressed as 'Mrs'.
How dare someone just assume that I was 'in it for life' (I might be but it's not the point) just because I was living with someone.
Marriage is different, though, as the couple have made an explicit statement that they are (in it for life)so if someone calls me 'Mrs husband's-first-name-surname' if married fairy nuff I say.

msrissotto, As a rule, the vast majority of women take their husband's name.
I understand that professional women will perhaps keep their 'working' name, but I regard making a fuss about being called 'Mrs-husband's-first-name-surname' as really OTT if not in professional setting.
I mean, who gives a ? Big bloody deal.
Someone assumes because you're married you've got your husband's name. Reasonable assumption.

I would also say that it is likely that a lot of women who object so strongly to this did the white wedding thing and all its accompaniments, talk about having one's cake and eating it . Perhaps this is why people still insist on calling Hubby's name even if told otherwise.
They get peed off that, for the female spouse, feminism seems to be a matter of picking and choosing the 'best bits'.

Perhaps people could understand it more and be more amenable to the wife's request to be addressed in birth name if couple had a utilitarian basic service in a register office with no frills.

If I got married, and it's unlikely, it would still drive me mad to be addressed as his initial and name (or even hisname). Me being married to a man does not indicate that his identity is any more important than mine. It would have done in years ago but I thought we had moved on from women being seen as lesser beings who don't merit their own title on correspondence now.

It may not be seen as a big deal by some because it is challenging to question centuries old tradition and practice. It is easier to go with the flow. But when I see people arguing in favour of women being referred to as Mr Hisinitial Hissurname it makes me more determined to fight for feminism than ever.

Apols for typos. On phone and not easy to type well.

What I really do not get is this: why women who object so strongly to being called husband's name get married in first place.
I mean, why?? Marriage IS essentially a patriarchal institution to legally protect (and, on the flip side, fence them in) women in event of spouse abandoning them ie. a wife can stand up and say, 'He made a promise to support me, here's the certificate of marriage'.
So getting upset about a perceived bit of sexist patriarchy regarding the institution of marriage makes no sense to me when the WHOLE institution is patriarchal and sexist in first place!

that is a fair point, marantha. The whole institution is sexist to start with. However, many women feel that marriage has changed these days, and it is no longer about owning a wife and having sexual rights over her, etc. Perhaps the feeling is that this issue of titles is another hurdle to be overcome to make marriage more equal.

I am married, and there are indeed practical, legal reasons that contributed to my decision. As you have said elsewhere on the thread it makes a lot of sense with regard to legal rights. However, I don't feel that in today's world women are fenced in by marriage. I think instead that a lot of women go along with marriage because they fall in love with the idea of it, love, the romance, the happy white bride, etc. They don't think about all the implications and don't consider that they might be known as Mrs DHName DHSurname until after the event.

It is simple, it is rude to address someone incorrectly.

Just rude.

I can't stand it.

For me it's not an objection to having his surname. It's when I'm addressed as Mrs [his initial and surname]. It's as ridiculous as the title 'Princess Michael of Kent'. I just hate it.

Marantha - I don't think it is a reasonable assumption. As i said, only 1 out of the 3 couples I know who got married this year did change their surname.

The tradition of marriage is in many ways patriarchal I agree. However, there are still financial incentives to do so and the romantic in me sees the nicer elements of equal union. I don't see why I should give that up to avoid being erased puiblicly, men don't have to. What is the problem? Why the resistance to equality here?

What a bizarre argument marantha.

I got married because I wanted to make a public and legal promise to spend the rest of my life with my DH, and have him promise the same to me back.

I don't see why that is sexist or patriarchal. Yes, historically marriage may have had sexist effects but that is no longer necessarily the case.

Yes, I had a white wedding with many of the trimmings. I didn't change my name. I don't see why this is inconsistent at all. We chose the traditions that we wanted. Name changing was not one of them.

Yes, I picked and chose the "best bits" as you say. What on earth is wrong with that?