AIBU to be mildy annoyed at all the christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs DHName?

[BlingLoving]

I could put this in AIBU but know that I'd just get a whole lot of "yes, YABU" and I'd like considered opinions!

I briefly, for about 2 weeks, thought I would change my name. But then didn't and made it clear to everyone I hadn't. I have had just ONE christmas card addressed to DH and me by our correct names and it's starting to piss me off.

Part of me thinks I'm being silly, but mostly, I just think it surely is not that hard? Before we were married no one had any problems addressing cards and letters to DH Surname and Bling Loving or even Mr DH Surname and Ms Bling Loving.

yabu.
it is not really that much of a big deal in the grand scheme of things. You are getting good wishes at christmas yet you grumble about the wording on an envelope. Jeeez.

You got married, people put his surname on the card. Get over it.

Grizzly - thank you. Your post actually made me feel more justified in being annoyed!

i aim to please!

It annoys me too. I have addressed all my cards to either Mr X and Mrs Y Smith, or Mr X Smith and Miss Y Jones, as appropriate.

One of DH aunties always writes on the envelope DHfirstname DHsurname, none of the rest of us are mentioned on the envelope at all (we have been married 13 years now), to be honest she's like this all the time, her card goes in the bin.

I think I'm going to start writing on her envelope auntiefirstname auntiesurname and not mentioning her husband, she how she feels about it, she's a very rude lady though.

It pisses me off. No problem if it's just someone who's ignorant, imo. They mean well, even if they're perhaps not too bright/savvy!

But I do find it annoying that we've had several to Mr and Mrs HisName from people who know perfectly well I use my own name - my parents included. My mum wrote in the card 'I hope this is an appropriate form of address!' when she knows it is not.

She rang me later to say she knows I don't use DH's name but 'he might be offended if I didn't'.

Eh? Why would he care? And why is him caring more important than using my right name?

It is especially stupid and crap because Mrs. Hisname is linguistically incorrect as well.

I was quite hurt actually, feel free to tell me I'm a fool.

I don't open or acknowldge the ones addressed to Mrs DHname. DH deals with them. And my bank will no longer accept cheques to Mrs DHname, so he's had to return them to FIL (who's the worst offender)!

Obviously have some seriously confused friends through, as get a significant proportion of cards addresses to our first names only. It just looks odd.

When I was a teenager I used to post my brother a card to him and his girlfriend (now his wife), I used to address the envelope to Mr A Smith and Sophie, wonder what she used to make of that, and why did my mum never tell me that perhaps I should write it differently!

Obviously have some seriously confused friends through, as get a significant proportion of cards addresses to our first names only. It just looks odd.

at your friends turkeyboots I bet it sat on the side for a while whilst they considered the best thing to write and debated with their husband.

reddragon your mum just sounds quite traditional and was trying to the right thing, just very clearly dosen't understand what you have done and why, but I don't think she set out to offend you, she's just old-fashioned.

turkeyboots - I had to do that to one couple this year because they got married in July and I suddenly realised I did not have a scooby what his surname was! Or whether she (my friend) had taken his name, as she is a Dr.Maiden name. Just never thought to ask!

sky, I think she knows exactly what she's doing! She is familiar with the idea of people not liking to change their names and has colleagues who are 'Ms OwnName' - she also speaks my DH's language better than me so knows it would annoy him to see me called something that is completely incorrect in his language. It's the fact that her option manages to be incorrect both from DH's point of view and mine that makes it quite clear she's making a point.

In my experience, people take offense at things when offense is intended. I don't in the least mind the Mr and Mrs thing from people who've no reason to know any better.

Also wouldn't mind first names - that may be a generation thing though. I'd address all my friends by their first names.

If it's not your name then why oh why would people address mail like that?
I do have dh's surname but I cannot stand it when I get post to Mrs Dhfirstname Surname. I did not change my first name as I quite like having a females name and John doesn't suit me
mil is the worst offender and she knows I hate it. She says it's the correct form of address. Well in that case why does my bank still use my own initials?

I get this too, particularly from one aunt who disagrees with my decision not to change my name and wants to make a point. I don?t mind if it?s someone who doesn?t know, but when they do know and get it wrong it makes me really mad! I do try and ignore them though, I?m sure she wants a response from me, so me ignoring her will annoy her as much as the incorrectly addressed card annoys me! Having said that, most people are getting better, you just have to keep correcting people.

Really doesn't bother me, but understand it could bother others, so I do think about who I think would object when addressing envelopes - probably still do upset people though.

I think she knows exactly what she's doing! She is familiar with the idea of people not liking to change their names and has colleagues who are 'Ms OwnName' - she also speaks my DH's language better than me so knows it would annoy him to see me called something that is completely incorrect in his language. It's the fact that her option manages to be incorrect both from DH's point of view and mine that makes it quite clear she's making a point.

Oh dear, that is quite odd then, I just assumed it was a generation thing and she didn't 'get' it.

I have had my name all my life, have never even got married to DP, and both our children have my surname. Also, I am a Dr. This does not prevent people - who know all these facts - sending cards to Mr & Mrs Hisinitial Hissurname! It is really, really rude. In my case, it isn't a matter of using terms of address that are 'technically correct' (because they aren't and there's no ambiguity) and so it's obvious that it is a demonstration of what the sender would like to impose. How dare I not be married and not take DP's name!

What is the point of sending someone a Christmas card? Surely it is supposed to be a message of love and goodwill. It follows then that the sender should: a) know you well enough to know what your actual name is! and b) like you enough not to deliberately wind you up by using a name for you which isn't yours. Names are a fundamental part of our identity, whether we have chosen to keep them or to change them and so when someone messes with our name they are showing themselves to be at worst disrespectful and at best either ignorant, or more caring about etiquette than people's feelings.

FFS, what is so difficult, if in doubt, about picking up the phone or pinging off an email asking someone how they like to be addressed!! YANBU.

Am v.annoyed by this for the 3rd year running - I didn't change my surname to DH's and despite sending Thank You cards for our wedding and DD's presents when she was born with our 'official' address on it, including titles (Mr and Ms), it hasn't made a blind bit of difference.

The fact that people can't even get the pronounciation of my daughter's name right (nothing unusual, it's a short name that you pronounce phonetically in this country) has confirmed to me that most people don't listen anyway.

Weirdly, DH's cousin and his wife send cards to , like we are are some sort of business. If it's because they don't know what to put as a title for me then I don't know why they don't just put the initials of our first names along with our surnames instead?!

People who insist that Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandssecondname is 'correct' are only imposing their values onto you - i.e. women should not be addressed directly, only the men should and you definitely should be married! Well that's offensive to the hilt.

Why do people give such a shit? Honestly. I won't be changing my name when DP and I get hitched next year and I will be saying on the order of service - out go Mr.A & Ms.R. If people choose to ignore this, then thay have a problem - not me!

msrisotto - let's talk next year. I thought I was going to be chilled if people got it wrong. But actually, I'm not. And DH is even less chilled than I am.

OP, YADNBU!!!! This really winds me up, I double-barrelled my surname when I got married, I did this specifically because I lost my dad just a few weeks before my wedding. My dad only has sisters and daughters and our surname is very unusual, I know it always upset my dad that 'nobody would continue the family name' which is why I held onto it. Family and friends know all of this so when they ignore it I get really peed off.

Don't even get me started on people who address us as Mr and Mrs DHfirst name DH surname, it's rude andbloody ignorant IMO!

I was going to start a thread about names on my Christmas cards!

Now I do have DH's surname but using seasonal example: say I am now Mrs Mary Bloggs having married Mr Joseph Bloggs.

Do not fucking write us a Christmas card to:

Mr & Mrs J Bloggs or

Mr & Mrs Joseph Bloggs

I am not Mrs J Bloggs.

I am Mrs M Bloggs but I don't like "Mrs" anyway.

The convention I use is as follows - if I knew the woman before the man I address to:

Mary & Joseph Bloggs

and if I know the man before the woman I address to:

Joseph & Mary Bloggs

So those of you who don't do the Mr and Mrs J Bloggs - think carefully about whether you have relegated your female friends to the second position in the address!

I am trying to work out how to communicate this - maybe very very early Xmas cards next year with a little note in them?!

How long have you been married?

I've kept my maiden name for most stuff and was super precious about this sort of thing for the first few years. Now I'm relaxed. Get over it because no one means any harm by it. Don't allow it to piss you off and then it won't.

I have never been able to address a woman as 'Mrs Andrew Smith' on an envelope, whether it is the old-fashioned 'correct' way or not! It is clearly patriarchal old bollocks.

I am collecting my sisters post for her atm, she has NEVER used her DH's name, made it clear t all and sundry, they all KNOW, but every card is addressed to Mr and Mrs His Name - even fom our side of the family.

I'm not even married and all DPs family insist on sending cards to us in his name, and erasing my surname from DS's hyphenated name.

I shrug, more to get furious abvout, but I think it's rude and lazy, narrow minded and pathetic, in various mixes, depending in whose doing it.

I've been married 10 years.

I've always disliked the Mr & Mrs Hisname Surname, but it's no surprise that I am fucking enraged about it this year.

(It's because I am a feminist now).

No I won't "get over it" because language is important - it shapes behaviour.

The only reason I hesitate on how to communicate this to friends/family is that my DH hates "conflict" of this sort.

I will have to think up some wording that respectfully requests that I am not referred to as Mrs Hisname Surname and explains why I don't like it.