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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

a man groped me tonight

49 replies

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 02:59

i was out for a work's do, we were in a club, a friend arrived late and me and anotehr friend went to meet her at the bar. there was a man standing right close behind her as if he was with her and when he saw me and friend 1 trying to get her attention, he moved back slightly and made a gap between her and him and put his arm out as if to guide us in. i assumed he was her boyfriend. when i moved towards friend 2 the man put his hand around my waist, i stepped backa nd gave him a funny look and asked friend 2 if she was with him. she said no, she didn't know who he was. i moved away and he moved round behind me. i warned him not to touch me and straight away he moved up against me, i moved again and said "don't touch me". he moved away and my friends and i stood talking. literally seconds later he moved up behind friend 1 and started rubbing her arm. she linched and gave him a dirty look, he seemed to think this was encouragement and put his arm around her waist, low down. she moved againa nd he made to follow her and i said "she doesn't want you touching her, go away". he stood back a bit and we started talking again. he moved to the otehr side of me and started pressing up against me and trying to touch my bum, i moved again and said "I'm warning you, don't touch me again", again he seemed to take this as encouragement and went straight to touch me again and i screamed at him really loud "don't fucking touch me, you fucking pervert." people started looking and he put his hands up as if to say "i didn't do anything" so i said " you were standing there trying to grope us. we don't want you touching us. fuck off" still everyone was looking. he didn't move away but we did and he FOLLOWED us and tried it again. i screamed again "i am fucking warning you". we quickly left the whole bar area. i am furious. he was clearly drunk but he was smirking the whole time. i drove tonight so this wasn't an alcohol fuelled reaction. one of the people i was with seemed to think i was hilarious.

OP posts:

colditz · 12/12/2010 17:25

DRink in the crotch quite effective, but GUTTING if it's a cocktail (vv pricy to replace)

earwicga · 12/12/2010 17:27

But the satisfaction is priceless colditz.

blushington · 12/12/2010 17:31

You should always tell the bouncers, they will usually chuck them out. My friend got groped/attacked by a random guy in the club and the bouncers saw, immediately grabbed him by the neck and threw him up the stairs and out of the club, and then one of them kicked him in the ribs (which I'm aware is illegal, but I thought it was good they showed how groping isn't tolerated)

Hitting back, imo, is for emergencies only when you are in real danger. It's not really worth them risking hitting you back.

TeiTetua · 12/12/2010 17:41

I doubt if a man who starts by groping women in crowded places would respond with real violence if a woman hit him. That would make it the kind of thing that would get him grabbed and detained, and into a conversation with the police. He'd be more likely to slink off looking for more fun elsewhere. But then again, there are some nutcases around. It's not totally predictable.

Nowadays, these losers ought to be worrying about people making snaps with their mobiles.

MsFox · 12/12/2010 17:56

booyhohoho - Well done you! Hope your friends soon get over their embarrassment of not speaking out themselves and thank you for what you did.

Unfortunately for me this story is all too familiar. Bars/clubs seem to be a holding ground for this sort of male, although an observation I have made whilst witnessing/experiencing this abuse in my homeotwn at least well aware I could be in for a flaming here so hope I articulate this well is that the vast majority of time the perpatrator has been a foregin male, evidently from a culture that insists on women being covered. Perhaps they believe because women in nightclubs are usually far from covered they see them as 'fair game'. Appear to be going off on a bit of a tangent I know when visiting a country where the culture of women being covered is in place we are encouraged to adhere and cover below knee/shoulders etc. Perhaps there should be a message goven to those visiting this country, explaining that 'uncovered does not = feel free to touch'.

Fully aware that this doesn't apply to all men from this background... but from my experiences, an alarmingly high percentage of the men involved were.

Hope that made sense... toddler in tow!

earwicga · 12/12/2010 18:30

That wasn't the case in my clubbing days MsFox - gropers were predominately white nationals.

I think Catholic countries such as Spain and Italy have the worse problems with groping.

charlotteolivia · 12/12/2010 18:40

When I was 19 and out clubbing with friends, I had just left the bar, so had a drink in each hand. Was literally 1m away from bar when he grabbed my bum and squeezed. I dumped the drinks on the bar and turned and grabbed and squeezed his balls saying 'not nice, is it?' never seen someone so shocked!
Your experience is awful OP. Just shows how alcohol can make people more confident in behaviour (bad as well as good) and make it seem more acceptable

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 19:30

malificence, i totally disagree with you.

teh only thing punching him would have achieved is me getting cahrged with assault and him thinking "oops, picked the wrong girl this time" instead of realising his behaviour was what was wrong.

something i thought of today. as a child my mum drummed into us that if anyone ever tried to touch us and we didn't like it we say a firm "no" and if they do it again we were to scream and cause a scene. how sad that the first time i ever had to do it and people told me i was wrong to do so.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 19:42

i didn't hear this man speak so i don't know where he was from, maybe he didn't understand what i was saying when i was scowling and baring my teeth at him

friend no2 has told me taht was teh worst incidence of groping she has ever experienced in a club!!! i am in shock, shje has experienced this before, said this was the worst and yet still thinks i should have jsut kept on quietly saying "please stop"

i was talking to EXp this evening and told him about it, he said he was really angry on my behalf, i agreed i said i would be abgry if it had happened to him. he said "well that's a bit different, of course it is weird for a man to grope me" and i said "but it's less weird for a strange man to grope me is it? because i am female i should accept it's going to happen and put up with it?" i asked him what would have happened if he had been with me when this happened. he said he would have hit the man. to which i replied "and not one person would have told you you over reacted, they would have told you he deserved it for touching your girlfriend but god forbid a woman take possesion of her own body and defend herself"

OP posts:

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 12/12/2010 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 19:51

i think it was embarassment, lots of people there and it was very audible screaming, they all stood and watched. but i know that these type of men depend on you not wanting to make a scene, that's what they bank on.

OP posts:

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 12/12/2010 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 20:42

lets hope it is more effective for most women than it was for me last night.

OP posts:

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 12/12/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 21:00

I'd really be surprised if he was the nightclub owner. he was young, my age (24) or younger, with a group of young lads. this club has really tight security and floor staff. come to think of it, I am also surprised none of the staff saw it.

yes i agree, there were a couple of other times during the night that a few men 'accidentally' bumped into one or two of us and we just pushed them away. they all took the hint, no raised voices needed. this guy was really persistant, highly doubt it was his first or last time trying that. actually quite a scary bloke to meet if i was out alone on the street or something.

OP posts:

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/12/2010 22:24

Well done Booyhoo, and you are really right about how no-pne would take it askance if a man defended his girlfriend's "honour" from this kind of thing - but a woman doing it for herself is a threat to the natural order. Presumably this is a twofold insult, in that 1) you are denying a bloke his penis-given right to touching whatever woman he fancies without interruption and 2) you are making the "good guys" redundant by looking after yourself and not being protected as someone's woman. You're your own woman.

Bloody good job, and I hope you are alright today.

So sorry for what he did to you ledkr.

(love the name btw BrandyButterfly)

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 22:54

i am really fine. it was honestly my friends' reactions that had bothered me most. sadly, i wasn't surprised that there was a guy pushing trampling over the boundaries in a club. i was surprised that i am not supposed to interfere with his intentions.

you have hit the nail on the head with your twofold point. it is really gutting isn't it.

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KangarooCaught · 12/12/2010 23:04

Well done. Hope your friends do learn from your example.

Sakura · 12/12/2010 23:28

THis is booyhohoho

Original poster

booyhohoho · 12/12/2010 23:38

yep that is me!!

OP posts:

ThisIsANiceCage · 13/12/2010 11:06

Jacky Fleming's online?!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/12/2010 16:53

those cartoons are brilliant.

santasakura · 14/12/2010 00:39

aren't they. I think I've found my spiritual home in that website

Original poster

booyhohoho · 14/12/2010 14:06

they are very funny. my fave- the girl biting they guy's hand for 'fun' , now if I had done that i think my friends could have said i over reacted!!

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