The demonisation of single mothers.

[SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan]

Hi,

I've ended up talking about this in various threads but have never dedicated a thread to it.

So, i'm looking for your thoughts. How do we see this in action? What are the views of single mothers? How are they propagated? Why are they propagated and why do they attract such demonisation?

I'd also like to hear about where you think the feminist vision saw single mothers, did it predict their would be more given the increased freedom women would have in their lives and their ability to leave male partners or choose to not have one without being financially or socially (though that hasn't held true entirely compared to 1960's it's at least possible to live this way) ruined?

Is women being able to have children alone a part of the feminist outcome - if women have more control over their bodies and reproduction surely it was an inevitable outcome? And is it in your mind a positive or negative thing in terms of feminism?

I'm actually going away for a few days now but hope this will attract lots of thoughts for me to read when i get back.

As for me, to put this in context, i am a single mother of a pre school boy. When i found out i was pregnant (unplanned) at 30 i decided that i was happy to be and wanted to keep the baby but that i didn't want to stay in the problematic relationship with the father. Therefore i've been a single parent from the outset.

I have framed this as about single mothers rather than single parents as it is my experience that single fathers are seen very differently, imo as heroes and glorified whereas single mothers get the demonisation treatment in popular culture.

Look forward to reading your thoughts.

apologies for my snippy response, LittlePushka It wasn't you, really. IT's just that there has been a glut of media in the past ten years telling women that they should focus on being happy with their lot as opposed to defying, or questioning, the status quo. YOur post implied that, although I realise that you were just advising to ignore the misogyny.
Ignoring misogyny has got it's good and bad points.

the problem is littlepushka is that that view sort of denies the power of society and the restrictions and punishments etc it has for people. you can do what you want within the constraints of society and if you're willing to take the sanctions. i guess what most here would say is that those restrictions need to change and we shouldn't suffer sanctions for our perfectly reasonable choices.

basically that the choice is an illusion if it's not really a free choice and you will suffer for making it with for example, poverty, inability to access decent jobs, stigma, etc. and of course that those choices are restricted by what is available ie childcare.

sorry not entirely with it as ill so hope that made sense.

sticking two fingers up and going to work at tesco part time for minimum wage even though you're an educated woman who used to have great earning potential but are now a single mum who can't get childcare/support/etc that allows her to access her old career doesn't seem that joyous.

you can stick your fingers up and say who cares i'm happy being poor, isolated, belittled for not being able to overcome these options etc and maybe that's the best you can do sometimes but i think it's clear it would be better to CHANGE things.

Littlepushka does have a point in one way - the single mother who grits her teeth and gets a crappy part time job is going to be happier than the one who, depressed by society's single-mother bashing, looks around frantically for a man, any man, to be her new owner and give her status and therefore ends up with a cocklodger or other abuser.

I agree with that, but LittlePushka was saying that the single mother who grits her teeth should not analyze her situation in the context of patriarchy; she should just accept poverty, belittlement as part of her lot. In feminism, it's unacceptable for the choices to be a) comfortably well off because you've got a man or b) struggling because you're going it alone.
WHy should those be the two main options for mothers? It doesn't have to be this way.

Sakura: Now I think that 'choice feminism' is much misinterpreted, particularly (surprise surprise) by mainstream media, as it is always reported as 'One woman is happy working in the sex industry/being SAHM/wearing lipstick therefore all women must be and would be if only Evil Old-Fashioned Hairy-Legged Feminists would leave them alone' whereas telling women that whatever decisions they make about their lives must be considered in the light of what impact they make on feminism is just another version of telling women they mustn't think of themselves, they must always put themselves and their needs and pleasures at the bottom of the pile.

I don't agree that the answer is to divert tax money to mothers from men who earn lots.

It doesn't take away the dependency women with children have on men with earning power; it just shifts it from men they know and have relationships with to men they don't know in positions of power.

I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer to suggest; and I do understand that it partially solves the problem that is faced in the current system: but it doesn't do anything about the fact that the problems are mostly caused by the current system.

BH has inadvertently hit the nail on the head, what society really despises about single mothers is age old, the control of procreation. What 'single mothers' have done is taken procreation out of the control of men. Throughout the ages men have decided whether to stick around (meaning women could not have children), whether to accept responsibility, whether to kill said child (Roman fathers would sit at the end of the bed and decide whether the child lived or died, surely not just the Romans). With welfare women can have babies regardless of men, with rights women can support their own children. If men take issue with this perhaps they should look to men to pay up.

Age old control is the key to demonising single mothers.

yes. the interesting thing as well is that when a woman with a baby is on benefits they abuse her rather than say anything about the man who is not supporting his offspring. she's terrible for claiming a bit of benefits whilst caring for a small baby, his paying absolutely bugger all to the baby is fine.

it's almost a bit like well if you have the audacity to go it alone (ie. not grab a man) then fuck you you'll be on your own and deserve everything you get.

rather odd.

it also shows some confusion about who's children they are. when it comes to responsibility/shame/financial burden etc it all belongs to the woman. but when it comes to 'rights' it's all about fathers fighting for their rights to their children.

make your mind up.

I think that absent fathers don't get as much stick because they are not recieving welfare. A single mother often is (although partly due to absent fathers actions) so they bear the brunt

I have a fair few single friends who are my age and older, and I feel sorry for the females but not the males. All on pretty level footing with regards to attractiveness, finances and job. But my male friends can hook up with a much younger mate and still have a family, my gfs are needing to find someone and settle now!!

One of the blokes thought he had a child within his marriage but his wife had had an affair and lied and so he found out his son was not his when his son was two....

all responsibility no rights is what mothers get, not just single mothers

I think you may find there are quite a lot of absent fathers on welfare.

Even worse, absent fathers earning decent money who contribute zero to their kids and leave it to the state to pick up the tab.

Or, in my friend's case, a father who contributes nothing, grudgingly sees his child once a week and tells said child "if your mum remarries then I won't consider you my son any more."
She is divorcing this real catch, and apparently, she should pay him maintenance as she earns more than him, he says, omitting to notice she has all 4 kids, including his son by a previous marriage who isn't biologically hers.

Is it the fact that men can't stand women noticing they are shits and leaving a dreadful marriage/relationship?

haven't read all the posts, but have to agree single parents are demonised.

I'm 34, mum to 2 boys (14 & 5), and work full time. I do not claim any benefits apart from Child Benefit.

I'm a single mother through choice. I refused to stay in abusive (mental and emotional) realtionships for the sake of my sons.

Whilst they don't always appreciate the things they have or the lack of quality time we have they know that I work hard for them to have all the things they need and may want.

When I started a course several years ago, people were horrified that a single mum could work full time and study for a degree. They expected me to be claiming all kinds of benefits and having umpteen kids.

What about mothers who leave their children with other family or fathers. Why are they not demonised as much as single mothers?
(playing devils advocate here)

Would also like to point out that the father has made a song and dance about seeing his child, being denied access, how evil I am, how evil the CSA are etc. Yet has not taken this further re courts and access and the CSA have been unable to get any maintenance from him. (see earlier post about abuse).

Sorry, my vision may be clouded about fathers and the demonisation of single mums from my own experience,

Lou....A woman cannot 'abandon' her children like a man can without being accused of being a cold, heartless, bitch. I know a few women who have had children with men who have already left one family in the lurch with little or no contact. I can't imagine a woman leaving one lots of children and then going on to have another.

yes. it's very much targetting the blame on the person doing the right thing.

and actually the man is receiving welfare if his child is receiving welfare. again this idea they're her kids not his if he chooses to bugger off and he has no responsibility to them fiscally. but if he wants to see them he has 'rights' god damnit and those rights must be adhered to.

they never say your child has the right for you to pay this and turn up at these times. money and access are considered seperately and the father is not obliged to see his child at all if he doesn't want to.

one thing. i'm always a bit sad when single mum's feel the need to differentiate themselves. it plays along with the idea that essentially single mum's are bad, feckless, immoral dole bludgers but i'm different see because it's not my fault.

it's like saying well i'm black but i don't steal cars - implying black people usually steal cars. i'm a single mum but i work. i'm a single mum but my husband left me so it's not my fault (it's not a sin anyway). i'm a single mum but my partner was abusive so i had to be.

it's not something to apologise for and doing so is part of the demonisation.

You know, a lot of this is about men expecting women to do the domestic shitwork. Housework and sex as well as childrearing is what sexist men see women as being 'for' - the deal is that the man provides the money, the woman does everything domestic and child-related, because 'she's not a person'.
So single mums are getting out of doing so much housework (because sexist men not only make more mess but insist it's cleared up more often) and don't have to submit to sex in order to keep a man happy - they can choose. Patriarchal men want women to be dependent on men because that's the only way women can be compelled to serve men, and women who don't need or want a man in their lives are Giving Other Women Ideas.

oh no! not Giving Other Women Ideas!

it's so true though sgb. take the man out of the house and it's far easier to keep. buy clothes well and there's very little ironing to do (i suspect an ironed shirt was some kind of a badge to show you had a woman serving you - frigging ridiculous items of clothing and if all men had to iron them themselves i'm sure they'd think about polo shirts or sweaters or something). treat a house with respect and there's not much cleaning to do and it's light work. rinse the bath out when you use it it doesn't need scrubbing away at at the weekend etc etc etc.

it's easier.

and emotionally it's easier. i seem to read so much on here of women who essentially have another child to take care of by being married.

a lot of it will be about the fact that we're supposed to service men and we as single mum's are living proof that there are other options and they don't have to mean you're childless.

I do love your posts SGB!

CAreful with those stereotypes, afterall it's mother's that get blamed for raising lazy boys!!

And no comments about my apostrophes!!

tbh as a teacher the boys of decent single mum's seemed very responsible, emotionally mature and accountable, they stood out as such.

obviously there were boys who behaved atrociously from single parent homes, they behaved just as atrociously as those raised by married parents with similar education and money and from the same areas.

so maybe mum's raise their boys to be lazy by letting their husbands be lazy or propogating the idea they are to be serviced by servicing their fathers in front of them.

Sakura; 10.40 am, you once again completely twist my port. I was not saying anything like the things you say. At no point did I mention misogeny and at no point did I say ignore it. i thought I had explained very simply what my point was, twice- it does not need your further (erroneous) elaboration or implied application.

I'm out.