Why are my choices between a: doing all the shitwork myself or b: living in a dirty tip or c: diverting all household disposable income into cleaners or d: shouting at my DH all the time?

[howdidthishappenthen]

Seriously. I don't like any of the above choices. When we both work exactly the same hours, why can't DH do his share?* He does do half of the childcare which is great, and rare, but I have yet to introduce him to the arts (ha!) of laundry, emptying cat litter, online shopping, cooking, washing up, or bedmaking. We employ a cleaner three times a week to do vaccuming, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, and all our ironing, but that still leaves about 2 hours of general work to do every day. I don't want to live in a tip. I don't want to row with my husband every day to make him take his turn. How on earth am I even HAVING THIS BLOODY CONVERSATION in 2010! Anyone out there got any tips?!

*I have just read Wifework. Probably not a book conducive to domestic harmony..

How can you have two hours of housework per day if you have a cleaner 3x a week? Eg 14 hours a week? What are you including in that?

Break it down in a very detailed way and allocate specific tasks to your DH and your children.

PS I do actually like my husband. I like him a lot. I just would like him even more if he knew the login to our online shopping account

I don't 2 hours worth of housework a week! And I don't have a cleaner.....

I can't see where the time is going tbh we have a cleaner for 3 hours a week, no ironing, and theres about 30 minutes of housework to do a day

It's an hour in the morning, and an hour in the evening:

Every day
AM: Make three beds, tidy bathroom, wash & dry breakfast things.

PM: Quick dash through main rooms and deposit all toys back in toy cupboard. Choose and cook dinner. Wash up dinner things.

3-4 times a week
Sort a load of laundry. Wash it, dry it, fold it, put away all the non-ironing bits.

Once a week
Do the online shopping list. Stay in to receive it. Put it away. Frisk the fridge for lethally elderly items, and dispose of them.

Non-cleaner days:
Empty cat litter. Empty nappy bin. Empty kitchen and recycling bins, and take outside to bin store.

Children are too little to do anything - only 7m and 3yrs.

Is the difference because I count shopping and cooking as 'housework'?

Do you live in a castle? Feed a family of twenty?
Surely you dont do online shopping every day?

I work full time, have two kids and a husband who travels for business, go to the gym twice a week, go for salsa classes with my dh once a week, teach an evening class twice a week, kids have 3 activities, I dont have a cleaner, and my house is tidy and clean and the fridge filled (though we dont have online shopping here so have to go in person) Maybe it is your cat that creates all the housework for you?

Get your kids to do their own tidying. Buy a dishwasher.

ok, sorry, just saw the ages of your kids. That changes a lot.

Alternate every task. Show him how to do it, then tell him next time is his turn. For example- show him the ropes of online shopping next time you do it, and then explain to him that from now on you will be splitting the burden 50/50 so when you run out of groceries/next week it will be his turn.

Then you have to let him do it on his own. You have to let him be late with it or not do it to your standards and crucially not do it for him if it's not to your standard. Either tell him it's not good enough if it's not (hard to do without having an argument), or let it go if it's not so bad and you think he'll get the hang of it eventually.

Live in a mess all week while you're hardly there to notice (keep lighting dim in evenings) and blitz whilst shouting/nagging for 3-4 hours at the weekend plus, if necessary, use a cleaning service every 6 months. Not perfect but it gets us by (hubby & I team up, son is a lazy, messy teen but he has many good points)

ironing is another hour, later.

I'm shocked buy the 2 hrs too-could you lower your standards a fraction?

DH and I share evrything when we're both in the house-I get homw with the kids so am in the house more. So I do the sorting school stuff out.

We have a routine- he loads dishwasher at night and unloads before he goes to work. I cook tea because I'm there, but if we're home at the same time then it's whoever can be bothered/isn't being plagued by kids.

We both clear away/sweep up-gets done quicker that way.
I might say do you want to clear up play room or put kids in bath?

I do the online shopping on a weekend evening with a glass of wine-doesn't feel arduous! Dh will iron his shirts when I do that and I iron my stuyff as and when. I tumble dry kids uniform and don't iron it!
He sorts kids(eg check they're getting clothes on in time and have school bags) out before football on Satuday because he takes them-I do it in the week because I take them.He does breakfast for whoever is downstairs at the same time as he is and I do the same-the kids get fed!

Dh will never automatically clean loo like I will, buit then it's unlikely I'll remember to put the bins out and we're both shit at diy/hate gardening--swings and roundabouts.

IF really impossible to change/accept vthen i would use your joint money to pay for more stuff to be done.

pretend you're in a student flat share and make a rota.

it's utterly out of order if he never does any cooking or washing up.

however, you also have to be open to the idea that you're maybe doing too much - what kind of tidying does the bathroom need every day?

1. Get a dishwasher
2. Get duvets and fitted undersheets
3. Enjoy your cat for now and never replace him/her.

OK. Maybe I'm really inefficient. Maybe my standards are too high. Clearly I'm getting it wrong somewhere. But either way, it's still fair to ask DH to join in with the laundry, the cooking and washing up, and shopping. So how do I do this without sounding like a feminist harpy?

You have a cleaner and still do 2 hours housework a night???

OK, your DH should be sharing the load with you but, seriously, that amount of housework is not normal. Lower your standards or you will have a nervous breakdown.

Rather than ordering or nagging just say 'I'm doing this -can you do this..' at the time you're doiing it or 'Which do you want to do bath or clear up toys'
You are a team.

The solution is many times similar: to pay another woman,normally in a more vulnerable position than yourself, to do the job that allows 'equality' in the relationship. Cleaners, childminders and the likes. This is not meant to be a criticisms. It is the only solution I have found to keep my professional life and to avoid doing more housework (although here my husband and I share things quite evenly). Obviously I do not think I am contributing much to the change of gender roles.

cooking rota on the fridge. seriously.

if two people are going to do shopping and cooking it has to be organised so you need to plan meals and put a list plus who's cooking each up on the fridge.

"it's still fair to ask DH to join in with the laundry, the cooking and washing up, and shopping. So how do I do this without sounding like a feminist harpy?"

Just dont wash or iron any of his stuff......and only cook meals that he's not that keen on but that you really like.

.......but also see Bonsoir's tips 1-3.

It is pretty hard to do housework with two young kids.

I would increase the hours of the cleaner if at all possible.

Good suggestion defineme. DH and I have certain tasks we always do cos I hate some things and he doesn't mind them so much and vice versa- DH does all the cooking, for example, I do all the laundry. You could negotiate different tasks that way. I think the key to lasting housework sharing is it being routine and therefore hard to pretend you didn't know it's to be done and it's your responsibility IYSWIM. That and not doing his work when he doesn't do it.

Fluffles - that's helpful. We did this for about 2 weeks and it did work. I do actually have a dishwasher - it's just a crap one that leaves everything scummy so I don't use it. I need to make more of a fuss about this with the landlord and get it replaced or fixed. I already have duvets and fitted sheets. But still - lots of these are tips to improve MY efficiency at doing the work. I don't want to do all of it but do it better, I want to not do some of it at all! More tips to help me share it about a bit more pls :-)

And yes, defineme me, that tactic always works and is non-confrontational. I need to write that phrase on my wrist and repeat it more.. Thankyou.

Also dizietsma. You're right. Rod for my own back not to show him this. He will do it if I take him through a quick tutorial.