Why are my choices between a: doing all the shitwork myself or b: living in a dirty tip or c: diverting all household disposable income into cleaners or d: shouting at my DH all the time?

[howdidthishappenthen]

Seriously. I don't like any of the above choices. When we both work exactly the same hours, why can't DH do his share?* He does do half of the childcare which is great, and rare, but I have yet to introduce him to the arts (ha!) of laundry, emptying cat litter, online shopping, cooking, washing up, or bedmaking. We employ a cleaner three times a week to do vaccuming, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, and all our ironing, but that still leaves about 2 hours of general work to do every day. I don't want to live in a tip. I don't want to row with my husband every day to make him take his turn. How on earth am I even HAVING THIS BLOODY CONVERSATION in 2010! Anyone out there got any tips?!

*I have just read Wifework. Probably not a book conducive to domestic harmony..

On the cooking thing, a friend was telling me just last week how her partner thought he did his fair share because he did most of the cooking. The fact that he did it because, as he said in front of me, he 'hated' my friend's cooking and because he loved cooking didn't seem to register. Also, the mere fact of cooking seemed to him to somehow add up to something momentous, or at least a lot more than all the other things she did. Working out how much chores are 'worth' is tough, especially the ones, like planning ahead for food, clothees, gifts, repiars etc... - that are in some ways the most difficult but also harder to account for. Have you noticed yet that this is a subject I know well?

I do think some men are guilty of cherry picking the chores that they want to do and IMO cooking is the biggy. If you have a lovely meal it is natural to thank the chef - nobody thanks the person that washes the dishes.

I think that in my case DH didn't get the difference between the kind of cooking that is likable and relaxing (and is almost always reserved for leisurely weekends) and the day to day rushing home in the evening and trying to get something healthy on the table in 20 min that everyone will eat while simultaneously taking my coat off and doing the washing up that he couldn't be arsed to do last night type of cooking! He gets it now.

Also it is merely sensible to split work by things you like. Using this model he gets most of the DIY as he likes it. It's not my fault that there's less DIY to do in an average week and that there's more of the stuff that I don't mind doing.

"You do know that the "leave it until he notices that it needs doing" doesn't work and is a recipe for conflict, don't you?"

nocake I'm advocating this on the basis that it works on me. I'm pretty lax on the housework front and my DH usually gets there before me. But if he leaves it I will do it... (and in fact it will probably make me notice that he usually does it, and resolve to do more of my fair share... )

Of course this assumes you are dealing with someone decent who agrees it's their responsibility to do half the housework, but just often doesn't notice it needs doing. If you have someone who doesn't think housework is their responsibility or deliberately avoids doing it then of course this method won't help.

Very interested in this discussion. In our house we have always had our own tasks rather than trying to take turns with things, but I think that is mostly because we started out sharing a house with another person, and just continued the divisions when we got our own place some years later. It also helps that I am a vegetarian and he only eats meat and chips (seriously), so we do our own cooking and washing up and DD gets a bit of each. I never do his washing up and he never does mine. This works perfectly well and it infuriates the hell out of me when my mum visits and does DH's washing up! His mum is a feminist, thankfully.

I think you have to delegate whole tasks, not just parts of them.

For example - DH does bathtime with DS every night, during that time I put away clean laundry, sort airing cupboard, tidy the bedrooms before bed etc. Then I do bedtime stories and get DS into bed, during which time DH goes downstairs and clears up the kitchen. Then we both do a quick clear up of the living room etc and then we're done.