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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Rape within marriage

1000 replies

tabouleh · 26/08/2010 15:28

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there. Sad

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 27/08/2010 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/08/2010 12:24

Ali, can't you see why coming onto a thread where some posters have been vociferously denying that the husband was in the wrong, and saying that every case should be judged on its merits, might be seen as doubting Anchor?

PawMum · 27/08/2010 12:24

I can't see how this thread helps the original poster in any way. She is so depressed she cannot get out of bed and it sounds like her husband is doing the vast majority of childcare. Surely there are allsorts of issues that need to be adressed here.

SassySusan · 27/08/2010 12:26

Sassy - yes. technically you have sexually assualted your husband.

Well, what absolute nonsense.

sleepypjs · 27/08/2010 12:26

AliGrylls -
Is this better for you?

Would you and your husband please leave the thread, posters who have had to deal with rape are continually offended and sickened by your posts.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/08/2010 12:26

brilliant x-post swc! :o thanks

sleepypjs · 27/08/2010 12:27

Marantha - you were so offensive so please do not come back on. I found your posts sickening.

snoozathon · 27/08/2010 12:28

I think Anchor is probably reading or going to read this. I want to tread carefully and am offering my experience as something she might feel is relevant. I may of course be wrong and what her husband did may be an act of deliberate violence against her which could escalate, I do understand that without being Anchor I can't second-guess their relationship. I am
also not denying that it was rape - she didn't want sex, he put his penis into her, ergo it was rape.

I'm just trying to be optimistic and constructive, as she said generally they have a loving relationship but that their sex life has dwindled away to nothing due to her lack of sex drive. I want to reassure her that it's totally common to have differing sex drives and that she shouldn't feel guilty or bad. She is unhappy with the situation and so is her husband. He may have been misguidedly trying to persuade her, in a pretty crass way, and I would have reacted in exactly the same
way as poor Anchor. If this is the case then their sexual communication and his ability to read her signals is down the pan and I think this is more about things coming to a head in their relationship. If Anchor wants to rebuild their relationship, it's going to take time to rebuild the trust and lots of communication, possibly with the help of a Relate counsellor. If she feels there is no way back from this, that she will not trust him in bed, that she will never feel for him in the same way, then she needs support in leaving him.

If he is unapologetic and fails to understand that he has crossed a line, then obviously she needs to get out of the marriage sharpish. I wish Anchor felt able to post as I would love to help her through, she must be feeling very confused and alone. Sending hugs.

TheButterflyEffect · 27/08/2010 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 12:29

SassySusan Fri 27-Aug-10 12:26:05

Sassy - yes. technically you have sexually assualted your husband.

Well, what absolute nonsense.

tell your DH to go to the police and see how much nonesense it is then.

Or is it ok for a man to be raped but not a woman?

PawMum · 27/08/2010 12:29

I think alot of peoples sex drive diminshes when they are so seriously depressed

sprogger · 27/08/2010 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheButterflyEffect · 27/08/2010 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepypjs · 27/08/2010 12:32

There really are some truly vile apologists for rape.

However, it has just made me more determined to support survivors of rape, and I have to say I am in awe of them, picking up their lives with so much hate-filled anger directed towards them.

Sassy - you disgust me too.

Gigantaur · 27/08/2010 12:33

I think alot of peoples sex drive diminshes when they are so seriously depressed.

So??

Why do so many people seem to think that sex in a marriage is a right? that it is somehow your duty to allow you partner to have sex with you on a regular basis whether you want to or not.

PawMum · 27/08/2010 12:33

I wasn't saying you could, but I think alot of people on the other thread were trying to help her seek appropriate help for her depression rather than condoning what her husband had done.

and I am not an apologist for rape, get over yourself

larrygrylls · 27/08/2010 12:33

I have to finally add one last post: an apology for conflating the two people. It was hard as the original thread had been deleted and I had to go back and search this one for Anchor's responses (I guess the danger of a thread about a thread).

This does sound far more unequivocal. So, please ignore my points re Anchor herself. They were made in error. Anchor, I am really sorry.

My more general points stand, though.

marantha · 27/08/2010 12:34

sleepypjs Please, please tell me what is 'sickening' about saying, 'Um, don't know full facts. Can't comment one way or another'?

I really, really can't see what is sickening about this.

sleepypjs · 27/08/2010 12:35

So then you are not sorry if your general points stand.

What a load of bull.

dignified · 27/08/2010 12:37

How many women have you slept with? I have known women to do the "no,no, no, yes, yes, yes" thing. And, personally, I HAVE ALWAYS checked at that point which they mean and, for the record, it has always been yes.

So when they initially said No, they actually meant Yes ? Why would someone do this ? I think what you did was pressurise them or coerce them when you KNEW they didnt want to.

The fact they had to say No more than once shows you ignored their feelings and persisted doesnt it . When they initiaaly said no that shouldve been the end of it.
Do you honestly think women dont know what they want and confuse no with yes ?

When i say No, i damm well mean it, and if i have to say No to someone more than once hed be out the door with a foot up his arse.

smallwhitecat · 27/08/2010 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

larrygrylls · 27/08/2010 12:37

SleepyPJs,

I am very sorry to Anchor. I apologise unreservedly. I think she was raped, no ifs and no buts.

That does not mean my general points cannot stand. I mean, WTF, can you not separate the two?

marantha · 27/08/2010 12:37

sleepypjs You're not making any sense.

snoozathon · 27/08/2010 12:38

I'm posting because lots of what Anchor wrote in her OP rang true with me. I empathise with her, I'm not trying to apologise for what her DH did but I think she needs support to rebuild her marriage if that's what she wants, whether or not that includes sex right now.

vesuvia · 27/08/2010 12:41

larrygrylls wrote
"In defence of the guy (I know, I know, a "rapist" does not deserve a defence), it sounds like he was clumsily trying to give her pleasure in a horrible drunken way. He was not really trying to get sexual pleasure himself."

You are trying to distort this into some selfless and altruistic act done by Anchor's husband.

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