I weight 15st 7 - Big self indulgent monologue about how fat I am :(

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

I weigh 15 stone 7 which I'm pretty sure is my heaviest ever :( (I am not a religious weigher and only bought scales in November).

I have been trying to lose weight for at least 10 years, since I was 16, and I'm just down in the dumps today because I don't understand what is going wrong. I tried wearing jeans today (size 16) but they were just too tight and uncomfortable and I couldn't play with the baby.

I always have eaten well and exercised (since living away from home age 18), so in November I joined Slimming World as nothing was really working. First time I'd ever done a diet plan thing. I lost 8lb in the 6 weeks to Christmas, put 4lb on over Christmas, then was completely on plan through January and didn't lose an ounce. Gave up in February, so lost 4lb overall over 3 months on SW.

Then in March I was given the OK to exercise again after having had DS in May '15. So I joined the gym and got a personal trainer. She is awesome and I love her. She did my body stats using this machine thing. She's getting back from the summer holidays on 12th September so really looking forward to that and will ask her to do my stats again to see if anything has changed for the better. She coaches me on my food as well as my exercise which is really great. She agrees I already eat well.

A few months back I decided that maybe a challenge/deadline would help, so I said I would lose 34lb in 34 weeks (should be perfectly doable if doing a SW type plan), as we had a holiday 34 weeks away. After a few weeks of no losses that fell by the wayside.

I've been going to the gym 4-5x a week and on the days I don't I'm still busy running around after my toddler, walking to park etc. I always get in more than 10k steps a day, always eat a lot less than my TDEE, always burn what MFP says I should. My Fitbit syncs to my MFP and they both say I'm doing well.

Anyway our holiday is coming up in November '16 and I'm just blue because when I started SW back in November '15 I thought in a years time I would look and feel a whole lot better. But if anything it's worse, I've put 5lb on since I started SW. It's just the same year in year out, but a bit worse each year. If I keep going like this then in 10 years I will be in a terrible state.

The only time I've ever lost weight was for my wedding. I ate a normal breakfast, half a grilled chicken breast with peas and sweet corn for lunch, and a normal homemade dinner as far as I remember, off a side plate. I didn't do much more exercise than I do now. I was still a size 16, barely a 14, but felt good. That was the only phase I've ever experienced a loose waist band and wow, that feels nice doesn't it!

I just don't think I'm trying hard enough. I need more ideas of what to try. I've read a food addiction book and CBT-related book which was really good. I've taken up mindfulness to ensure I don't mindlessly binge, which I didn't really do much ever. I have PT-approved cereal for breakfast, salad or occasionally homemade soup for lunch, and a normal homemade dinner. No snacks generally, but also I do want to live my life and go out for coffee with friends sometimes and not always say no when a biscuit is offered. I drink shitloads of water and have always just eaten clean, natural, unprocessed, healthy foods (except for the SW stint, but even that is quite wholesome I think).

My PT says it doesn't matter what the scale says, I know I am perfectly healthy and I'm strong, but it DOES matter. I want another baby next year and if I'm 15 stone surely they'll put me under consultant care due to high BMI. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed (not saying anyone else in that situation should be). I'm surprised they didn't when I was pregnant with DS (13+ stone and BMI of 33, so obese).

I'm just feeling blue and a bit fragile today, and I am going out for dinner with some new friends tonight and am worried because they're both so slim and I'm just a lump. DH says I was bigger than I am now when we met 9 years ago, but I have certainly never weighed more than this.

Off to put the baby down for a nap and do a fitnessblender workout - can't go to the gym/Creche this week as DS has hand, foot and mouth.

Well done if you got this far. Thanks. Don't know what I'm asking really. PT is back in a week or so but in the interim I just need some support I guess.

Well I've been doing it for the last 9 months and I've gone from 14 stone to 12 stone. (I've shared these pics before, but dammit I'm proud of myself. )

I also had a grey/green smoothie for breakfast. Salad with some chicken for lunch, and I think home made tacos for dinner. :)

amazing pics :) you don't 'look' 14 stone in pic 1 either. We're obviously some new kind of amazing, dense superhuman.

I'm quite certain my bones are made of lead.

I actually had one of those body fat analysis done a couple of years ago, when I was about 12 stone and it came back that I have "athletic" levels of muscle in and about 25% body fat. The nurse told me to lose another stone.

Eat full fat yoghurt, it's nicer too :) I have it with berries and flax seed and am barely hungry by lunch. I also gained quite a lot of weight on SW, it's just not the right diet for some people. I was diagnosed with prediabetes soon after so I need to watch my carbs.

Also second you not looking 15st. I am 11st 3lbs and only 4ft 11"! But I was 13st so getting there.

974 cals today and feeling goooood :)

Ooh, 1034, forgot to log a nectarine!

When people say high fat diet, do they mean just 'normal fat, no 'light' products', or to actually increase your fat intake?

I was 15stone 8lbs four months ago. I'm now 12stone 12lbs. Low carbing, running and sheer bloody mindedness!! If I can do it, anyone can!!!

Awesome! Well done. These kinds of stories really help me know it's possible!

Not as good as Two but in April I was 16 stone 2, today I am 13 stone 12. All down to moving more (Zumba, swimming and recently running) and eating less (low carb low fat) and drinking at least 3l of water. I stick to MFP religiously and keep under 1200 calories.
I've gone from an almost size 20 round blob to a size 16 (14 in jeans) with curves. I'm aiming for 12.7 which at 5ft 8&1/5" should be fine.
It can be done and I've so much support from here.

Have to say though I low carb, I also low fat and watch calories, but not religiously.

General advice is certainly no low fat products but also that if you're fat intake is increased a bit then fat makes you full. However excess amounts of fat are not going to be good.

My trainer at the gym says two years ago she was a size 18 and had never exercised. She's now like a muscly size 10.

OP have you seen this recent research link between faulty immune system and obesity I know someone who was part of the study and she is exactly like you, completely umexplicable obesity until this study was done.

Um = in

lolimax

Would you mind giving a couple of examples of what you eat in a day? I want to cut my overall calories down each day and trying to get an idea of what 1200 calories look like.

Hi Pik I'm absolutely no expert there are amazing people on here- join the MFP thread for great support but this is an example of a normal day-
Breakfast- overnight oats (40gms) with fat free Greek yogurt, a dribble of almond milk and a good handful of frozen fruit.
Lunch- fake Quorn ham stuff with loads of rocket, cucumber and tomatoes. Fat free yogurt.
Tea- I'll have a chicken breast or piece of fish with a huge portion of veg (at least 2)
Some days I actually struggle to hit my calories I think it's because I have no carbs with lunch or tea. No cakes, biscuits, snacks etc I drink a cup of tea if I'm really hungry.

Thanks. Will join the MFP thread for more ideas.

Steve that sounds interesting. I just had a read of that article but am none the wiser, I'm tired! Will try again tomorrow. I've always thought I have a good immune system, I rarely get ill.

But low fat dairy is just dairy from skimmed milk, I thought. Am I wrong? They don't add sugar or anything to skimmed milk or low fat cheese. I'm not talking Muller Lights etc which are full of all sorts.

I think the idea is that a portion of full fat cheese will fill you up more than the same size low fat cheese. And then you won't be hungry later and have a Mars bar!

I'm not sure it would work for me because when I have chocolate it's not because I'm hungry.....but because I'm craving chocolate.

If you are on FB look up "The mummy makeover" (rubbish name but the ethos seems great). Healthy food and HIT training that can be done at home. My friend did it and looks amazing after 12 weeks.

Steven That's an interesting article. I've read similar about a link between H pilorai (a tummy bug that can cause ulcers) and weight gain. I had H Pilori a few years ago, right before I starting gain weight inexplicably. I also had some immune system issues after that. I wonder if that's why my metabolism is so messed up.

okay Bendy, here's some more interesting reading for you!

re. gut bacteria and its effects on weight gain www.theguardian.com/science/2016/aug/25/gut-reaction-surprising-power-of-microbes

on how dieting can slow down your metabolism (this happened to me - I starved myself so regularly that eventually I couldn't lose weight on 400 cals a day - now I eat closer to 2000) www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/may/10/obesity-greed-laziness-overweight-people-metabolism-weight-loss

On eating early vs eating late
www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2013/01/30/170591028/to-maximize-weight-loss-eat-early-in-the-day-not-late

And finally, here's a study on the weight loss benefits of fermented kimchi www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21745625

Hope this helps! ps I think your username is my favourite on this site so far.

Maybe this is more or less your 'set weight' i.e. where your body wants to be. I suppose that might sound defeatist, but if you've tried very hard for years to be thinner & the only time it's worked is while on an unsustainable pre-wedding diet then perhaps it's just not meant to be. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with your current shape. I realise this is way easier to say than to do, but could you work on accepting it?

albert the thought has crossed my mind, for sure. I've been 13 stone-some ever since I first weighed myself in my teens up to booking in for my first pregnancy, so if anything is my set weight that is. I thought that was horrific and embarrassing enough at the time but I'd love to weigh that now! MN 'how much do you weigh' threads have been very enlightening for me over the years. So I definitely want to lose a couple of stone to get down to 13 ish, to start with.
And I know that I will never be smaller than a 14 bottoms, even if I'm emaciated, my skeleton is a size 14 for sure.
However I am not willing to go down the road of acceptance just yet, I am concerned about my long-term health and in the short-term I'm worried about having to have a consultant-led pregnancy next time, and the stigma that goes with that. And if in the future I get any weight-related health complaints and I had stopped trying to lose weight, I would be really hard on myself.
Although having said that, I do accept my body and don't despise it, I look in the mirror most days and think I look fine (clothed), I in no way detest myself! :) so that's good. I just want to be better!