I weight 15st 7 - Big self indulgent monologue about how fat I am :(

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

I weigh 15 stone 7 which I'm pretty sure is my heaviest ever :( (I am not a religious weigher and only bought scales in November).

I have been trying to lose weight for at least 10 years, since I was 16, and I'm just down in the dumps today because I don't understand what is going wrong. I tried wearing jeans today (size 16) but they were just too tight and uncomfortable and I couldn't play with the baby.

I always have eaten well and exercised (since living away from home age 18), so in November I joined Slimming World as nothing was really working. First time I'd ever done a diet plan thing. I lost 8lb in the 6 weeks to Christmas, put 4lb on over Christmas, then was completely on plan through January and didn't lose an ounce. Gave up in February, so lost 4lb overall over 3 months on SW.

Then in March I was given the OK to exercise again after having had DS in May '15. So I joined the gym and got a personal trainer. She is awesome and I love her. She did my body stats using this machine thing. She's getting back from the summer holidays on 12th September so really looking forward to that and will ask her to do my stats again to see if anything has changed for the better. She coaches me on my food as well as my exercise which is really great. She agrees I already eat well.

A few months back I decided that maybe a challenge/deadline would help, so I said I would lose 34lb in 34 weeks (should be perfectly doable if doing a SW type plan), as we had a holiday 34 weeks away. After a few weeks of no losses that fell by the wayside.

I've been going to the gym 4-5x a week and on the days I don't I'm still busy running around after my toddler, walking to park etc. I always get in more than 10k steps a day, always eat a lot less than my TDEE, always burn what MFP says I should. My Fitbit syncs to my MFP and they both say I'm doing well.

Anyway our holiday is coming up in November '16 and I'm just blue because when I started SW back in November '15 I thought in a years time I would look and feel a whole lot better. But if anything it's worse, I've put 5lb on since I started SW. It's just the same year in year out, but a bit worse each year. If I keep going like this then in 10 years I will be in a terrible state.

The only time I've ever lost weight was for my wedding. I ate a normal breakfast, half a grilled chicken breast with peas and sweet corn for lunch, and a normal homemade dinner as far as I remember, off a side plate. I didn't do much more exercise than I do now. I was still a size 16, barely a 14, but felt good. That was the only phase I've ever experienced a loose waist band and wow, that feels nice doesn't it!

I just don't think I'm trying hard enough. I need more ideas of what to try. I've read a food addiction book and CBT-related book which was really good. I've taken up mindfulness to ensure I don't mindlessly binge, which I didn't really do much ever. I have PT-approved cereal for breakfast, salad or occasionally homemade soup for lunch, and a normal homemade dinner. No snacks generally, but also I do want to live my life and go out for coffee with friends sometimes and not always say no when a biscuit is offered. I drink shitloads of water and have always just eaten clean, natural, unprocessed, healthy foods (except for the SW stint, but even that is quite wholesome I think).

My PT says it doesn't matter what the scale says, I know I am perfectly healthy and I'm strong, but it DOES matter. I want another baby next year and if I'm 15 stone surely they'll put me under consultant care due to high BMI. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed (not saying anyone else in that situation should be). I'm surprised they didn't when I was pregnant with DS (13+ stone and BMI of 33, so obese).

I'm just feeling blue and a bit fragile today, and I am going out for dinner with some new friends tonight and am worried because they're both so slim and I'm just a lump. DH says I was bigger than I am now when we met 9 years ago, but I have certainly never weighed more than this.

Off to put the baby down for a nap and do a fitnessblender workout - can't go to the gym/Creche this week as DS has hand, foot and mouth.

Well done if you got this far. Thanks. Don't know what I'm asking really. PT is back in a week or so but in the interim I just need some support I guess.

Ah thanks for the replies. Just back from a great night out so feeling happier :) also felt I looked OK (despite new top not fitting), although this is not about looks.

Having said that, thanks to those saying I don't look 15 stone! I was shocked too. My dad was 16st at his heaviest, I remember him announcing it and him being shocked, and he was really quite big at that point, can't believe I've reached the same point. My scales are right as they're fancy and the gym scales agree.

I know some people 'don't agree' with some people just being heavy, but according to my PT and her machine I am 45% muscle and my bone mass is exceptional, which makes for a heavy body. Doesn't take away from the fact I have a lot of fat to lose though.

I've looked into overeaters anon before but don't think it's for me. I could easily eat a packet of biscuits, of course I could, but I don't as its not normal or healthy or conducive to weight loss! I have cut out snacks although if I really need something around my 10am slump I have fruit. I'm home a lot as a SAHM so always have access to fresh healthy pre-prepped food (I do a lot of food prep and meal planning so I can just grab something healthy).

I am trying to do one no-carb meal a day - by that I mean no pasta/rice/potato etc, not counting the carbs in a tomato etc. Need to be more vigilant with that though. Am also going to un-pair my MFP from my Fitbit, so my burnt calories don't show up on MFP.

Think that's all for tonight

Oh PS - no medications, no conditions (that i know of - having had a recent pregnancy I figure they'd have picked anything up by now?), no stress, no job.
Interrupted sleep but not bad really (up once a night, 1 yr old. I probably sleep 11pm-6am).
Have a pretty easy life really, my weight is the biggest problem in my life without a doubt, so I guess that's a pretty sweet deal 🙏🏻

I agree that you don't look 15 stone at all. I'm 5.6 and a stone overweight...I weigh 12 stone...the doctor told me I was "ok" but should really drop a stone.

I sympathise....it's hard!

I'm 43 so it's not going to just come off easily.

I know where I go wrong. I eat well...healthy...good portions...I walk and ride about 2-3 miles daily.

But.

I also eat crisps and drink coke and too much white bread and cheese.

I need to stop those and I suspect I'll lose the weight. I think I need to find replacements for them. I eat late at night some nights....a cheese toastie or a muffin.

I second the 8 week diet by michael moseley.

My dh bought me a fitbit flex for xmas. I lost a fair bit of weight but the big difference started when I read the 8 week blood sugar diet book (mid feb) and gave up carbs fo r Lent. On xmas day (when I got the fitbit), I was 14.5 stone. I am now 11st 4lb. I haven't felt hungry once. Honest!

ive just had a look at the 8-week blood sugar diet, looks good for an initial shake up. What happens after the 8 weeks though? How come you don't put it all back on?

I think that although fruit is better than biscuits it's still calories. Have you had your thyroid checked?

Oh I have just looked up the 8 week thing properly, so it's 800 cals for 8 weeks, then 5:2, then low carb med diet forever more? Sounds OK.

Another thing I do is gum between meals, keeps me full. Need to get into the habit though!

I haven't had my thyroid checked, no. I just googled symptoms for under and over active and underactive doesn't really sounds like me, overactive sounds more like it but is associated with weight loss.

Personally, I find that mfp only works for me if I set it to lose 2lbs per week. That is 1200 calories for me. A 1lb loss per week set up gave me 1500 which was too many. I had room for chocolate every day!

I like to keep the fitbit synced for motivation reasons only.

I think your idea of not adding carbs to meals will really help, as it will certainly lessen the calories. Good luck!

Thanks Bagina, you posted on my other whingey MFP thread 😘 Appreciate it.

Do you have irregular periods? I'm seriously wondering if you could have PCOS.

Oh no, sorry for being repetitive! I just had a real light bulb moment in the past few months, where I reduced calories and it all started working again! I never thought I'd last on 1200 calories but I've cut back on alcohol so it's much more achievable. I'd tell you my weight loss but I just put 5lbs on over a 2 week holiday!

How could I forget your fantastic username too?!!!

My periods are very regular and quite light. I have wondered about PCOS in the past, because I find it hard to lose weight, but the only other symptoms I have are a patch of dark skin on my back which I've had since I was a kid, and skin tags which run in the family. Oh and I suppose 'acne', always have a couple of spots but wouldn't really class it as acne? Also DS was a surprise, no probs getting pregnant. What do you think?

What time do you eat your last meal? I always struggled with my weight when I was younger. About 5 years ago I made a rule not to eat after 4:30-5:00 pm and I lost a stone and a half over a period of about 9 months. I think because I wasn't restricting the types of food I was eating and not watching calories, my metabolism - wrecked by years of dieting - finally stabilised, and now I can eat normally.

Often calorie counting doesn't actually work - it just makes you obsessed with food and if your metabolism has been screwed by dieting (this does happen - persistent dieting can actually cause hypothyroidism) then you won't lose weight, even if you rigidly stick to a weight loss and exercise plan and write down each calorie consumed in excruciating detail. I understand how miserable and frustrating it is and how unfair it feels!

Try eating a decent-sized breakfast, lunch and early dinner for a week and see if it works for you. Don't cut out foods and don't count calories (just make sure you eat sensible-sized portions). You can have a glass of wine in the evenings after the food deadline has passed but only a small one. See if it works for you - it worked for me!

Hm yes I do realistically eat dinner at about 7:30, then breakfast at 7:30am. Maybe i should eat dinner with DS at 5.

I've had so much advice on this thread, thanks! Not sure where to start though ha!

I yo-yo dieted for 30 years - struggling with food, battling with myself. It was exhausting - the constant mental chatter about what I should or shouldn't eat, what I could or couldn't eat, what I weighed, how big I was - I was constantly measuring my self-worth according to the number on a scale or the number on a clothes size tag. Just so much self loathing. Though I felt competent in other parts of my life, my feelings of incompetence vis a vis my relationship to food and my body just made me miserable. I am a recovered yo-yo dieter now. I have stayed about the same size now for the past 6 years or so and the mental chatter over food, eating, weight, size has gone for good. I think that is what is the most powerful part - I feel I have broken free from the old mindsets, voices and struggles and I have more emotional, mental, physical and spiritual energy to peruse things that are meaningful to me and that make me feel good. For me it's all about feeling good rather than being good! Look up Michelle May, visit her website (amihungry.com) read the blogs and articles. Her approach helps you get unstuck from the thinking and doing patterns and habits you are trapped in and offers a path to lasting and sustainable change. Another author/speaker is Geneen Roth. I hope this is of some help.

I don't know - I only discovered I had PCOS when I had surgery for something else, but I did have quite irregular periods and quite heavy ones too. I'm not sure how they test for it tbh?

I know what you mean MoJo, it's exhausting. I can't even eat a banana without worrying about the sugar. I don't want to live in a world where a lovely peach is an awful thing to eat :(

I will definitely look at that site. In naptime today I am going to research things in this thread and formulate a plan!

In other news DH ha a pizza and 2 big cookies for dinner last night, the leftovers are hanging around today. He has no weight troubles and eats shit, and can run like 10 miles having not run for months and months I only went food shopping on weds, he could have rustled up something nutritious in an instant! Bastard

I put a similar post on here about 5 months ago. I couldn't understand why I wasn't losing weight.

I then joined sw. I am now a stone and a half down and feel much better and more in control.

Food diaries really focused my mind on what I was eating as did weighing food. You would be surprised what a 'portion' of healthy museli looks like. It barely covers the bottom of a cereal bowl.

Definitely weigh and measure everything. Definitely write absolutely everything down.

There is a lot of conflicting advice around. I find sw easy to understand and easy to follow even with a busy family life. I still have a drink 3 or 4 nights a week, we still have a takeaway once a week and I still eat out probably once a week. And I am still losing around 1lb a week. It would probably be more if I was a bit stricter but I am happy doing it this way.

Try it OP. I had a nightmare with my weight - same as Mojo really - and I only tried the stopping eating early thing when noticed I had lost a bit of weight one morning despite eating quite a lot, because I'd stopped eating at 4:30.

Ooh also - there is a lot of research to suggest that gut bacteria has a vast amount to do with an individual's weight. Probiotic tablets probably won't do much, but if you can get to an Asian supermarket buy some kimchi and try to eat it every day. It's an acquired taste but studies show it aids weight loss. if you don't have that option, you can make your own fermented foods at home, using clean large jars, natural sea salt and chopped vegetables like cabbage. Fermented foods help boost healthy gut bacteria and are really great for digestive health and there is a good deal of evidence to suggest they can help you maintain a healthy weight too!

Wishing you all the best

I have gone from 80kg to 58kg and maintained for two years but I can only eat 1000 calories to do so even though MFP reckoned I could eat 1500. If I go over I put on. It really does depend don the individual. I also go to the gym weigh training 5 x per week.

OK, here is my plan and what I ate today.

1. I think I like the idea of eating dinner early and then nothing until the morning. I don't feel the need to eat after I've had my dinner anyway usually, plus lately I've been feeling guilty that DS always eats dinner by himself, plus I've realised that eating together means I won't then have to cook again for the adults once DS is in bed, and the evening will be longer and I will overall spend less time thinking about and preparing food!
   I also think eating so soon after the previous meal means I will see no need to snack, and also eat less during meals because otherwise I'll be too full for the next meal IYSWIM. So less food overall. Also PT has told me all about extending your fast period, so this will be around 13 hours, 6pm-7am.

2. 1 carb free meal a day at least

3. no snacking

4. 1200 cals a day maximum

5. weigh everything (forever more??)

Here is every morsel of what I ate today:

9am: breakfast - 135 cals.
128g Fage 0% fat yogurt with a peach

I usually eat breakfast about 7am, and find it VERY hard to find a filling carb-free breakfast, so usually involves cereal or bread. I was still full from my dinner out last night

11:30am:
Tiny taste of some out-of-date hummus to see if OK to feed to child.
Tiny taste of stewed apple to taste if too sharp for child.

1pm: lunch - 394 cals
Salad:
75g cucumber
50g baby plum tomatoes
8g baby spinach
40g romaine lettuce
18g hummus
112g tuna
2tbsp light mayo
2tbsp 0% fat yoghurt

112g banana

5:30pm: dinner - 464 cals
60g pasta
45g courgetti
70g fresh tomatoes
37g sundried tomatoes
60g passata
1tsp EVOO
0.5tsp garlic puree
10g mature cheddar

112g banana
100g 0% yoghurt
0.5tsp honey

I definitely should have had some more protein in the pasta I think, because it already doesn't feel filling enough! Maybe I just need to learn to be hungry? So then I had the pudding

Total calories: 993

Too much yoghurt, I know

I didn't do any exercise today though and I'm not convinced I'd cope without some more calories, had I been to the gym.

OOH it would also be fab if someone could help me with breakfast ideas!! So far I've thought of green smoothies - are they filling? You can pack a lot of food into a smoothie... Also crustless quiche, can keep it for a few days. My favourite ever breakfasts are poached egg and avocado on toast (it's weird without the toast though!) and bircher - absolutely love but a lot of sugar.

I read an interesting article recently where they scientifically measured what a selection of differently aged and sized women actually needed in calories to maintain or lose weight. Rather depressingly, most of them needed significantly less calories than the recommended amount even to just maintain their weights. It was more like 1500 calories for most of them for maintenance. The older theybwere, the less they needed, but only one woman actually needed the standard recommendation amount.

Something that I read that resonated with me is "it's ok to feel a bit hungry sometimes". I got so used to that stuffed full feeling that I forgot that hunger is ok.

The menu today looks great! Really tasty, healthy but not boring. Have to admit, I don't eat breakfast. I'm never really hungry before about 11.30am so normally just have a black coffee to tide me over. If you're still hungry now, you do have some calories to eat, so maybe a couple of cubes of cheese or something before bed?

Just two quick things - how much water have you had? Also 1200 might be a big drop for you from your TDEE. Maybe give yourself a bit more leeway and give yourself 1350-1400. This will still mean you're in a big deficit but not mean you are restricting yourself too much.